"Why won't you tell me where you live?"

Shame. Pure and simple shame.

Two of my friends recently mentioned to me that they have no idea where I live. I've remained quiet.

One friend is so very, very much like me. She has trusted me enough to invite me to visit her home and I found that her place looks very much like mine. Hooray! But I've yet to demonstrate that same level of trust in her and I really want to understand why.

I grew up with absolutely no control over my environment. My room never felt like my own space, my belongings never really felt like they belonged to me, and I felt more like a prisoner, an unwanted guest, than a family member. My first few apartments were shared with roommates. I never completely unpacked at any of those places. Whenever possible, I rented two bedroom apartments so I'd have a place to hide the chaos. I have become quite adept at stashing, hiding, misdirecting, and camouflaging.

After my son was born I fooled myself into believing that he was the source of chaos. He made nests around the house. After he left home, there were still nests. I had to accept responsibility.

Why is it so hard to get the dirty dishes off the counter and into the dishwasher, the clean clothes transferred from the pile to drawers and closet, and why are half-empty fast food soda cups the majority of the items in my refrigerator? Sheesh

My goal this week is to demonstrate my trust in my friend. She has accepted me unconditionally; I just need to accept that and give her evidence that I also accept her friendship.

It's time to regroup yet again.

Flying at low altitude

In an earlier post I mentioned that, thanks to lack of funds and medical insurance, I have not been taking my thyroid medication or the megadoses of Vitamin D3 that transformed me from zombie to human being.

Like just before learning my diagnosis, I was dragging around, sleeping all the time, forgetting to eat, skipping showers, and even not bothering to change clothes. Then I discovered a lovely supplement that gives my body all kinds of goodies. I am awake again.

I learned the hard way that when replacing one vitamin with another supplement it is a good idea to remove the original pill from the mediset. I was bouncing off the walls -- a little hypomania. Okay, I felt good and I was definitely experiencing hypomania.

An additional benefit of taking the supplement is that I am beginning to lose weight again. Not a significant loss so far, but a clear downward trend. I had to find some smaller pants to wear to work. Today I was in danger of my pants falling down while I was showering one of my clients. Dropping my drawers is not a method I use to make my clients feel comfortable.