Once again I am trying to identify why I continue to refuse to seek out any form of public assistance.
There is a fierce spirit of independence that has surfaced in every generation of my family. No matter how bad things get, we endure, we survive, we give our place in line to others who really need help. We accept our situations, work hard, and just focus on survival.
Right now I'm surviving, but failing to thrive.
Each time I brace myself to wade into the bureaucratic swamp, I step back before my boots even get wet. In the support group I attend, I speak about my cold feet. The regulars have taught me that when we share, regardless of what we share, we are disclosing what is foremost on our minds or in our hearts. Week after week my sharing includes something about my reticence to seek help.
Then I was reminded of what happens when the care that is needed is not given.
During this past month, my car had a major breakdown (as opposed to my minor breakdown), and I have a hefty bill to pay. Fortunately, I received help in the form of support from people at church and friends. When I picked the car up, I learned that an anonymous donor had paid about a third of the bill.
I was overwhelmed with gratitude.
My landlady/roommate has been flexible with my payment of the rent as I've sorted out paying for my car repairs, but it looks like that is tightening up again. I am constantly asking for more hours at work, taking shifts that no one else wants. I'm not taking particularly good care of myself and I don't want to end up in the hospital like my car. Although I'd benefit from a tune-up.
However, no matter how many hours I work each week, I get more from my job than just a salary. Many of the clients I work with have exercises that they need to do and I exercise with them. They have special diets and, because we are encouraged to eat with our clients, I eat what they eat. Good habits and positive results. I can see that my presence makes a difference in the life of someone else and that feeds my soul.
I know all the things that I can't do. I think I know what I can do. Accepting limitations is actually setting healthy boundaries. And I've never cared for "limitations" or "boundaries."
I'm taking one step forward this week -- seeing my prescriber/therapist.
Boundaries. Limitations. Obligations to myself and others. Caring for myself first, then (in no particular order) my son, my friends, my church, my clients, other family members, those to whom I owe a debt, etc. Keeping UU principles in mind. Keeping recovery and support principles in mind. Keeping myself in mind.
