(Well, they're not exactly readers, but they do provide the stats that provide the illusion of someone occasionally reading my rantings and perhaps profiting from the experience. But the best part is just knowing that when I visit Romania, the Ukraine, Ghana, or other exotic locales I will feel that I am among friends, or at least acquaintances, or perhaps I will just once more feel used and abused. I can't wait! It should only take me 37.5 years to accumulate enough airline miles to make this dream a reality!)
There are good reasons for not having written for so long and most of them are attached to people who have trusted me to care for them. Yes, I am still a workaholic. But this time around I am not working around the clock to increase the profits of a company, My wages are small, but I receive smiles, lovely stories, and occasionally homemade baked goods.
There are little healthy patches developing in my brain. Slippery slopes are spotted quickly and a STOP RIGHT NOW sign pops up. Sometimes the sign needs some reinforcing, but for the most part I am feeling the possibility of having control. I see chances for change to be achieved.
I have ups and downs, but they aren't as steep or as deep. I spend more time in the present. I am still safely in my closet, but have begun opening the door just a crack to see who might be near.
I know how to BREATHE.
Meds can help. Now on the 6th or 7th system of tracking and reminding. At least I now can connect non-compliance with resurfacing symptoms.
When the amount of oil and dirt in my hair can be measures in cups, I know I will find my way to the shower. When the refrigerator starts talking, I say these words out loud: You're not real!
My world is still very small and I am still cautious about opening the door to let others in. But I do know that there are safe people. I still feel alone, but I now know that I'm not ever alone. I have only to drop in to the NAMI support group to find members of my tribe. I know who I can trust.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Tomorrow starts a new year
Every now and then I recognize that something I say may actually be rather profound. Not profound enough to use language that would convey my faith in the profundity of the utterance, but more a tentative "it's okay."
This New Years Eve I kept wondering why all the fuss? Why do some people insist on being awake at 1:01 am on January 1? Sure, we start using a new calendar, unless we have several that begin at different points in the year and last any where from 12 to 18 months to several years. I used to have an issue with calendars and clocks. I always had at least one of each in every room of any place I lived. And, yes, that included the bathroom where I had to make sure the clock could withstand the steam. I now have a clock in one of my two rooms, no calendar on any wall, a single calendar in my bag (but it's BIG -- both the calendar and the bag), and I have restrained myself from using the calendar on my phone, but have found it useful to use the clock and use the scheduling feature so that I arrive at appointments on time. And now I can program up to 15 snoozes before I drag myself out of bed!
Any day can mark the beginning of a new year if you mark the passage of milestones or anniversaries or birthdays or any other high point, low point, or random point in life. I like to mark the beginning of another adventure, and since I believe anything and everything can be an adventure, there is always a reason to celebrate a new start.
Yes, I am back on my meds and probably in a mania type state that induces the creation of run-on sentences, despite my usually overwhelming urge to edit myself down to the most succinct phrasing of any concept.
Tomorrow I wake up to a new year, one in which I take better care of myself, and keep making good choices. If that doesn't work, I'll reset for the next day. I'll keep trying. And maybe switch to decaf.
This New Years Eve I kept wondering why all the fuss? Why do some people insist on being awake at 1:01 am on January 1? Sure, we start using a new calendar, unless we have several that begin at different points in the year and last any where from 12 to 18 months to several years. I used to have an issue with calendars and clocks. I always had at least one of each in every room of any place I lived. And, yes, that included the bathroom where I had to make sure the clock could withstand the steam. I now have a clock in one of my two rooms, no calendar on any wall, a single calendar in my bag (but it's BIG -- both the calendar and the bag), and I have restrained myself from using the calendar on my phone, but have found it useful to use the clock and use the scheduling feature so that I arrive at appointments on time. And now I can program up to 15 snoozes before I drag myself out of bed!
Any day can mark the beginning of a new year if you mark the passage of milestones or anniversaries or birthdays or any other high point, low point, or random point in life. I like to mark the beginning of another adventure, and since I believe anything and everything can be an adventure, there is always a reason to celebrate a new start.
Yes, I am back on my meds and probably in a mania type state that induces the creation of run-on sentences, despite my usually overwhelming urge to edit myself down to the most succinct phrasing of any concept.
Tomorrow I wake up to a new year, one in which I take better care of myself, and keep making good choices. If that doesn't work, I'll reset for the next day. I'll keep trying. And maybe switch to decaf.
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