Welcome back, Zyprexa!

The evidence that I need to be back on Zyprexa continues to accumulate daily.

Yesterday evening someone knocked at my door, I looked out the peephole and didn't recognize the person. Then I heard them go upstairs and I realized it was my neighbor. When she was outside my door I heard her say something along the lines of "her car is here so she must be here."

Where was I? I was in the dark, being as quiet as possible. To my little mind, the only reason that I could think of that a neighbor would reach out to me would be to complain. Something had to be wrong. Maybe I parked too close to their car (can't happen -- there is a barrier between them). Maybe I've been loud when I come in from work late at night (not likely). Maybe I've been making too much noise down here (HA! I watch tv using closed captioning only, use earphones to listen to clips on my computer, and go into the most remote corner of the apartment when I am talking on the phone). And still I worry about disturbing someone and being forced to move. Or worse. Sheesh

Guess whose car wouldn't start this morning because the interior light had somehow been left on? Yep. I have a good Samaritan neighbor and I am a creature who hides in the dark, slinking away to avoid any possible contact with any other living thing. One of the reasons I remain in this apartment complex is because people are so friendly and helpful. But I am hiding out again. I am not using the common facilities. I am not attending the community events. I am in my cave wondering why no one likes me and how I can make amends for wrongs I've done -- or not done. Amends are always seen as unnecessary by other people and I want to slink away. Yes, I've shown my crazy.

Sunday is the beginning of the church year, the ingathering of my Unitarian family. I don't want to go. I want to hide out. I feel that I have let people down. I haven't been able to tithe. I haven't been able to help with any projects or provide assistance in any way. I don't want to see or be seen by the man I had (still not sure about that tense since I can't get him out of my mind) a crush on -- he's seen my hypomania in action "I haven't seen you in soooo long!(putting my hand in his) I'll save our seats. Hey, I want my hug! (putting my all into my half)" I feel like people are mad at me and there's really no reason. I am amazed when people speak with me, but I shouldn't be surprised. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel like I belong although I have incredible friends there who go out of their way to let me know that they care. I've used the flimsiest of excuses to flake out on a meeting with friends -- the excuses were valid, but I could have pushed myself. I'm ashamed to show my face. They have stood by me when no one else would and I..sheesh.

My father always worked in law enforcement and was subject to changing shifts every few months. At a very early age I learned how to be quiet -- not seen or heard. If I caused a disturbance, if the bear was awakened, I would be punished - spanked with a belt or a switch - hit if I didn't cry and hit if I did. I knew where to hide, knew how to be quiet, and have been spending most of my adult life trying to unlearn those skills that helped me survive. That wasn't paranoia.

Continuing to be fearful is a separate issue and is groundless. Being fearful when there is no evidence that I am in danger or in trouble is sick. I am sick and need my medicine to help me heal.

Tomorrow I get to sleep in late and don't have to work. I have already taken the half tablet (5 mg) of Zyprexa and I'm determined to sleep as long as needed for the drug to work its magic.

Will I be able to continue this? Not sure. It costs so much. Taking it will interfere with being available to work night shifts. I will have to make sure that I have 8 - 12 hours available for sleeping. In a way I will once again feel imprisoned, sentenced to be apart from everyone else because my brain has betrayed me, a prisoner of my meds. But I know that it will help free me from anxiety, worry, fear, terror, the dark thoughts that lead me to seek the dark places.