This week I've been reminded of the consequences of not eating. Lethargy, dizziness, faintness, fuzzy thinking, among others.
I think I forgot to eat for two days. Not sure what happened there, but I became aware of the situation while I was with a client. It felt like a sudden drop in blood sugar and I asked my client for the only sweet thing I could see on his counter. Fortunately, my shift was over and I sat in my car eating the cookies and waiting for a sign of improvement. I felt well enough to drive home on the freeway. A few days later I was grocery shopping and the same feeling suddenly came over me. I immediately moved to the checkout, picked up a soda, and took a big gulp before leaving the store. After I consumed about half of the bottle, my symptoms improved dramatically.
It dawned on me that as soon as I did a better job on being compliant with my meds, I neglected my health in another way. It's bad enough that I'm not getting my thyroid medication and don't have money to see a doctor or dentist, but I'm self-sabotaging. I'm in a little hole.
I'm participating in a class at my church on UU identity. We're given questions to answer which will help us realize how we define our spiritual self. I couldn't get past the first question: who am I at my core. I wrote three or four lines, scratched out most of it, and was left with three bleak sentences: I am a lost child. I have wandered aimlessly for lifetimes. I am a lost weary child.
Pretty good barometer there.
One of the consequences of not eating is fatigue. By sleeping many, many hours, my little brain worked on healing me. I had lovely, lovely dreams. I awoke knowing the answer to the burning question of the previous day. My mood improved. I realized the harm I had done to myself. I tested my blood sugar. I set alarms on my cell phone to prompt me to eat. I put snacks in my purse. When my clients had lunch or breakfast, I pulled a sandwich from my purse and shared the meal with them.
It's hard to admit that I'm still self-destructive. There's no overt attempt to kill myself, but I sure have been causing short term harm.
Today's task: There is an apartment inspection on Monday and I have to find hiding places for all my stuff. Chaos reigns. Thank goodness for big plastic containers!
