Recipe for a bad week:
Miss 3 doses of Zyprexa, thereby missing hours of sleep
Miss 3 doses of Zoloft and Lamictal, thereby being a fuzzy head who can't find the right words
Show up late for work
Put in overtime with one client
Lose mentor for big project
Find out the hard way that 90 year old clients set their thermostats to match their ages
Missing meds has caught up with me this week. I was tired during work. And hot. And achy from a surprising amount of physical labor.
My mood dropped below my usual low point. Today I have a bad attitude and can't see an upside to any situation.
But the blessing is that, if I get back on my medication regimen today, my days will get better long enough for me to regain my optimism. And I hold on tight to that truth.
I know there's a pony in there....
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Reconciling Pre-Meds Commitments to Post-Meds Reality
Over the twelve month period between my diagnosis and the discovery of the correct meds (Zoloft, Lamictal, and Zyprexa), I've made a number of commitments -- commitments I'm now reassessing. I only worked about a month during the last twelve months. While working toward a state of balance, I did volunteer work, read the books I've meant to read, explored my creativity and spirituality, and did dozens of things for which I never had time pre-diagnosis.
Prior to my diagnosis I was Superwoman (not manic Superwoman, just hypo-manic Superwoman; the difference lies in how high and how long I could fly). I was the employee who was first to volunteer, who never complained about overtime, who took on assignments without considering whether I could or should take on another task. My boss loved me and my co-workers hated me. Now I am beginning a job where I am assigned work and there is no chance for me to take on any more. That's a VERY good thing.
However, I've continued to volunteer and I have often accepted additional projects for several committees. I needed ways to keep myself busy and I saw the good that came from my efforts. Most of this time we were still juggling dosages and my environment was usually stress free. Now that I have a job, I realize that I may not have enough time to meet my commitments or I may not have taken into account how the stress (both positive and negative) would exacerbate my mild side-effects and thereby impact the performance of the tasks.
Overall, my meds do a good job. A remaining symptom that is sometimes problematic (especially when I'm feeling stressed) is that my mind still tries to interpret some mechanical sounds (a refrigerator motor running, air conditioning, the water pump in the aquarium) as words -- my name being the most common interpretation. I know that the words my mind creates are not true reflections of the sounds; I feel like I have this under control and it has no negative effect on the quality of my life.
I regard my side-effects as mild; they are language and memory related. I feel thick-tongued and words come out slightly modified. As an example, I might say "kick" instead of "quick," "flight" instead of "fight," or have other similar words come out of my mouth instead of the word that I wanted to say. I can quickly make the correction, but I fear being perceived as an idiot. I sometimes can't find the word or name, but after running through the alphabet in my mind, I arrive at the correct word. There are similar problems with writing. I re-read, re-read, and re-read everything that I write. There are few typos, but are often many missing words, incorrect numbers, or other problems that makes the text difficult to understand or incorrect. The writing problem bugs me, but I have adopted methods to work around this that work about 99% of the time. I am mildly disorganized, which has never been a problem in the past; in fact, I was known for my organizational skills. Again, I can make corrections, but am concerned about the perception. I don't think that my ability to perform the jobs are impaired. I don't know if I want to come out of the closet in order to explain to those individuals with whom I work closely that I'm really not spacey or unqualified to perform these duties. Or if that just might make things worse. Crazy, spacey, and incompetent.
I don't know the solution to this yet, but am taking it to the big white board and have given myself three weeks to sort it out.
Maybe I could convince everyone that I have ill fitting dentures or have two left-hands or love to rhyme...
Prior to my diagnosis I was Superwoman (not manic Superwoman, just hypo-manic Superwoman; the difference lies in how high and how long I could fly). I was the employee who was first to volunteer, who never complained about overtime, who took on assignments without considering whether I could or should take on another task. My boss loved me and my co-workers hated me. Now I am beginning a job where I am assigned work and there is no chance for me to take on any more. That's a VERY good thing.
However, I've continued to volunteer and I have often accepted additional projects for several committees. I needed ways to keep myself busy and I saw the good that came from my efforts. Most of this time we were still juggling dosages and my environment was usually stress free. Now that I have a job, I realize that I may not have enough time to meet my commitments or I may not have taken into account how the stress (both positive and negative) would exacerbate my mild side-effects and thereby impact the performance of the tasks.
Overall, my meds do a good job. A remaining symptom that is sometimes problematic (especially when I'm feeling stressed) is that my mind still tries to interpret some mechanical sounds (a refrigerator motor running, air conditioning, the water pump in the aquarium) as words -- my name being the most common interpretation. I know that the words my mind creates are not true reflections of the sounds; I feel like I have this under control and it has no negative effect on the quality of my life.
I regard my side-effects as mild; they are language and memory related. I feel thick-tongued and words come out slightly modified. As an example, I might say "kick" instead of "quick," "flight" instead of "fight," or have other similar words come out of my mouth instead of the word that I wanted to say. I can quickly make the correction, but I fear being perceived as an idiot. I sometimes can't find the word or name, but after running through the alphabet in my mind, I arrive at the correct word. There are similar problems with writing. I re-read, re-read, and re-read everything that I write. There are few typos, but are often many missing words, incorrect numbers, or other problems that makes the text difficult to understand or incorrect. The writing problem bugs me, but I have adopted methods to work around this that work about 99% of the time. I am mildly disorganized, which has never been a problem in the past; in fact, I was known for my organizational skills. Again, I can make corrections, but am concerned about the perception. I don't think that my ability to perform the jobs are impaired. I don't know if I want to come out of the closet in order to explain to those individuals with whom I work closely that I'm really not spacey or unqualified to perform these duties. Or if that just might make things worse. Crazy, spacey, and incompetent.
I don't know the solution to this yet, but am taking it to the big white board and have given myself three weeks to sort it out.
Maybe I could convince everyone that I have ill fitting dentures or have two left-hands or love to rhyme...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Self-Doubt vs Reality
Today I am full of self-doubt and I began the day by beating myself up because I don't believe I performed well in my new job. I don't need to dwell on this today (I can be more objective in a few days) so I'm using the white board beside my desk. There are six questions that I believe I should answer before I can determine how well I performed my duties.
These are the questions I've written on the board:
1. What was my duty?
2. How (in what method) did I perform it?
3. What could I have done differently?
4. What will I do in the future?
5. Does what I feel reflect reality?
6. Have I received any feedback?
And I leave these questions alone. I know that I'll be processing these as I go about the next day or so. They are on the board so I will see them until I have found answers and recorded those answers on the board. Just the act of writing these questions has lightened my mood a bit.
I got up (I am in an upright position, not in bed, not on the couch).
I got out (well, I will later when I run a scheduled errand).
I got on with it (I ate breakfast, took meds, have been puttering around doing small jobs, and am blogging).
Tabling my worry is a positive step in my self-care. I will do the best I can today at other things trusting that I will be able to address these questions later, learn from my answers, and acknowledge that I did beneficial things, too.
Positive thing to do today: Google bipolar 2 blogs and review them for helpful suggestions.
These are the questions I've written on the board:
1. What was my duty?
2. How (in what method) did I perform it?
3. What could I have done differently?
4. What will I do in the future?
5. Does what I feel reflect reality?
6. Have I received any feedback?
And I leave these questions alone. I know that I'll be processing these as I go about the next day or so. They are on the board so I will see them until I have found answers and recorded those answers on the board. Just the act of writing these questions has lightened my mood a bit.
I got up (I am in an upright position, not in bed, not on the couch).
I got out (well, I will later when I run a scheduled errand).
I got on with it (I ate breakfast, took meds, have been puttering around doing small jobs, and am blogging).
Tabling my worry is a positive step in my self-care. I will do the best I can today at other things trusting that I will be able to address these questions later, learn from my answers, and acknowledge that I did beneficial things, too.
Positive thing to do today: Google bipolar 2 blogs and review them for helpful suggestions.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Starting a New Job
If I had planned this better....if I had planned this at all, I would have scheduled my first day at my new job to coincide with about day 5 or 6 of my cycle. It's not going so well (keep in mind this is day 3).
I have been unemployed for 9 months, with only 1 interview, 1 temp assignment, and a semi-aggressive self-marketing campaign. The COBRA coverage was too expensive. Walgreens has a very good prescription savings program which has made the difference between my buying my meds or juggling doses to maintain. Things have seemed grim at times (especially days 1 - 3), but I've been able to count on days 5-7+ to help me maintain perspective. I have survived.
The self-marketing paid off with an assignment spending 2 hours 1 day a week as a companion to a charming 85 year old woman. It's been a rewarding experience; we have a weekly tea party where we'll chat, with very little coaxing from me. It feels like an equal exchange. An AHA moment! I recognized that this type of service is in demand as more people try to find ways to remain in their homes as they age. I crafted a kick-ass cover letter and got a job!
Because there are certification requirements, right now I am limited to companionship assignments. It is hard for case managers to find 40 hours of work for me each week. I am making plans to get the needed training. But what I've been discovering in the past two days is that maybe this is/isn't a perfect fit for me for the following reasons:
My schedule is fluid: Down side - I don't know from week to week when or where I'll be working. I've missed morning meds one day. Another day I felt drained at the end of my shift, fell asleep right after getting home and missed my night meds. Up side - A flexible schedule allows me to continue doing some of the volunteer work I've enjoyed during unemployment. Many of my clients will have dementia and may be able to start each day with a clean slate. I've been able to keep my frustrations inside, but I have to use old tricks to wash them down the drain when I get home.
I work alone: Down side - There is no one to provide feedback on the performance of my duties. There is no one to remind me that it's not necessarily my fault when my client is just having a bad day. Up side - I have the freedom to be creative in my discovery of a new client.
I must take extra good care of myself: Down side - Fluid schedule means that I have to work harder to maintain a regular daily schedule. I feel the need to keep my "no trespassing" wall up so that I don't take on the problems of others -- I can't be effective if I can't maintain a safe distance. This is draining so I need to find another approach to this. When breakfast is skipped, a protein bar can't be lunch. Up side - I will be taking better care of myself.
I must have an income so I must work so I absolutely must take excellent care of myself -- mind, body, and soul.
More on this another time.
I have been unemployed for 9 months, with only 1 interview, 1 temp assignment, and a semi-aggressive self-marketing campaign. The COBRA coverage was too expensive. Walgreens has a very good prescription savings program which has made the difference between my buying my meds or juggling doses to maintain. Things have seemed grim at times (especially days 1 - 3), but I've been able to count on days 5-7+ to help me maintain perspective. I have survived.
The self-marketing paid off with an assignment spending 2 hours 1 day a week as a companion to a charming 85 year old woman. It's been a rewarding experience; we have a weekly tea party where we'll chat, with very little coaxing from me. It feels like an equal exchange. An AHA moment! I recognized that this type of service is in demand as more people try to find ways to remain in their homes as they age. I crafted a kick-ass cover letter and got a job!
Because there are certification requirements, right now I am limited to companionship assignments. It is hard for case managers to find 40 hours of work for me each week. I am making plans to get the needed training. But what I've been discovering in the past two days is that maybe this is/isn't a perfect fit for me for the following reasons:
My schedule is fluid: Down side - I don't know from week to week when or where I'll be working. I've missed morning meds one day. Another day I felt drained at the end of my shift, fell asleep right after getting home and missed my night meds. Up side - A flexible schedule allows me to continue doing some of the volunteer work I've enjoyed during unemployment. Many of my clients will have dementia and may be able to start each day with a clean slate. I've been able to keep my frustrations inside, but I have to use old tricks to wash them down the drain when I get home.
I work alone: Down side - There is no one to provide feedback on the performance of my duties. There is no one to remind me that it's not necessarily my fault when my client is just having a bad day. Up side - I have the freedom to be creative in my discovery of a new client.
I must take extra good care of myself: Down side - Fluid schedule means that I have to work harder to maintain a regular daily schedule. I feel the need to keep my "no trespassing" wall up so that I don't take on the problems of others -- I can't be effective if I can't maintain a safe distance. This is draining so I need to find another approach to this. When breakfast is skipped, a protein bar can't be lunch. Up side - I will be taking better care of myself.
I must have an income so I must work so I absolutely must take excellent care of myself -- mind, body, and soul.
More on this another time.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Moodscope and how it can help
One of the most useful tools that I've discovered is www.moodscope.com . This site was created by someone who has experienced depression. By describing twenty different feelings, a numerical value (from 0 to 100) is assigned that indicates your mood for the day. Lately I've been skipping days which is a sure sign that I need to review the level of care I'm providing for myself. The best results are obtained by recording your score every day.
My favorite feature is the graph. Your daily scores are plotted on the graph and you can quickly see whether your mood is headed up or down. Now that I've been using it for a while, I know that my lowest days may be in the twenties and my highest days are usually in the mid-seventies. I know that immediately after that high day, I'll see a plummet, a jump over the cliff. And that's normal for me.
Because you can review your scores over several months, you can also determine your cycle. For example, I'm cycling from seven to ten days. This is fantastic information for me! All those creative projects I've started, including this blog, are things I work on during the three to five days before I reach the summit. Knowing when I'll reach the summit allows me to plan for the abyss. Reading one of my selections of humor books (favorite is A Subtreasury of American Humor) or watching a comedy (my current favorite is the Naked Gun triology or the first season of 30 Rock) are guaranteed to make me laugh, or at least grin. I try to schedule lunch with a friend or a workout session for those days when I know that I'll need a lift.
Daily email reminders may be received and you can even allow your doctor, therapist, or loved one to see your results. The email reminders are cheery and contain personal accounts of the creator's challenges and how they were overcome. The email reminders alone are worth the time it takes to register for this site.
Go on now. It's time for you to check it out. www.moodscope.com .
My favorite feature is the graph. Your daily scores are plotted on the graph and you can quickly see whether your mood is headed up or down. Now that I've been using it for a while, I know that my lowest days may be in the twenties and my highest days are usually in the mid-seventies. I know that immediately after that high day, I'll see a plummet, a jump over the cliff. And that's normal for me.
Because you can review your scores over several months, you can also determine your cycle. For example, I'm cycling from seven to ten days. This is fantastic information for me! All those creative projects I've started, including this blog, are things I work on during the three to five days before I reach the summit. Knowing when I'll reach the summit allows me to plan for the abyss. Reading one of my selections of humor books (favorite is A Subtreasury of American Humor) or watching a comedy (my current favorite is the Naked Gun triology or the first season of 30 Rock) are guaranteed to make me laugh, or at least grin. I try to schedule lunch with a friend or a workout session for those days when I know that I'll need a lift.
Daily email reminders may be received and you can even allow your doctor, therapist, or loved one to see your results. The email reminders are cheery and contain personal accounts of the creator's challenges and how they were overcome. The email reminders alone are worth the time it takes to register for this site.
Go on now. It's time for you to check it out. www.moodscope.com .
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