My depression seems to have begun with puberty. My strangeness began much earlier. I don't think at this point in my life that it serves any purpose to try to sort out all the factors that made me feel different -- I just was.
Life with meds means that I now have the opportunity to be myself, my true self. Being middle-aged means I don't much care anymore what people think and I'll wear my comfortable shoes, thank you very much. The combination is interesting. My goal is no longer to be normal, but to be true, genuine, authentic.
For me the challenge is acknowledging my loneliness, but not feeling needy. I guess having a crush is teaching me more than I expected. While I was going bananas there for a bit, I now have no expectations. Que sera sera.
I am assertive now. I've told two clients that I would not perform tasks in the manner in which I was instructed. I refused to get down on my hands and knees to wipe down a floor with a wet rag; a mop was then located. I refused to go outside in the rain to perform a task that could wait until the rain stopped; my client realized her instructions were unreasonable. I told my supervisor that I wanted to work more hours than I have been assigned and I'm getting more hours. Ask and you shall receive.
I still don't really understand what "normal" is, but I have been asking people I trust for feedback. And I'm really not that interested in conforming. I do want to be able to effectively communicate and co-exist with other people. I frequently ask for guidance as to what is "reasonable." Having some sort of gauge enables me to clearly communicate.
And I'm not squelching my exuberance! I have channeled it. There is freedom in being a Unitarian. I can embrace my causes, live my beliefs, and know that I'm not alone. I can express my passion in whatever manner I choose as long as I allow myself to express it.
For a while I was mourning for all the wasted time, the years lost because I was trapped, undiagnosed, untreated, and unable to help myself. But I'm coming around to the belief that the timing has really been right for me. I just need to keep trusting myself and wearing comfortable shoes.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Holiday: Thanksgiving Redefined
Last Thanksgiving occurred exactly one week after my job was eliminated. My son and I talked about what we wanted to do, how we felt in general about the holiday, and what we might do going forward. I was feeling anything but thankful. He has never really understood the holiday, but does enjoy the fact that I cook and we have a good meal together. And we used to go to a movie after dinner.
When I was growing up, Thanksgiving meant a big dinner at the grandparents' house. Of course, this wasn't special because we had dinner there every Sunday. The difference was that in addition to the usual fried chicken there would be ham, in addition to mashed potatoes there was dressing, and in addition to chocolate cake there was sweet potato pie. But there were no traditions that made this day feel any different than any other day. As usual, my grandfather mumbled his regular dinner prayer.
After my grandparents passed away, Thanksgiving with my family of origin became even more bland. My mother would awaken before the rest of us in order to put the turkey in the oven, she would make dressing in the special yellow bowl, and my father would always manage to distract her long enough to get a test slice of turkey. There was never any mention of why we were celebrating. My sister and I knew about the origin of Thanksgiving from school. We had no idea how other families might celebrate. Some years we would all watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on television. After my son was born, the only variation was that he and I would leave after the dishes had been done and go to a movie or have an adventure (go on a drive to discover something new).
While my son and I lived in Alaska, we spent three Thanksgivings with my boyfriend's family. I didn't know how to react to the way that they celebrated. We started the day with breakfast together, performed support tasks for the cooks, each household brought at least one dish to share, and we went for a lovely long walk while the turkey was baking. Dinner was served late in the day (in the South, dinner is the mid-day meal and supper is the evening meal). Everyone pitched in to clean up. And the hard part for me -- we went around the table declaring why we were thankful. Pre-diagnosis me immediately choked up, chin quivered, and I cried while saying I didn't know. My son would express thanks for the turkey.
The Thanksgivings that my son and I spent alone have been rather lackluster as well. The first Thanksgiving in Alaska with just the two of us was memorable. It occurred right after I had left my boyfriend. I had spent all of our money moving us into a small one bedroom apartment. My son had bedroom furniture and we had a folding table in the living area. I slept on the living room floor. We had no transportation costs because we lived across from the high school and I could walk to work. Times were very, very tight. Thanksgiving arrived before payday. On the Wednesday before, we had a treasure hunt in the apartment. My son has always shown no interest in coins and there was a treasure trove under the clothes on the floor of his bedroom. We scraped together some money, walked to the grocery store, and were able to purchase a half-pound of ground beef, three potatoes, and a very large onion. Then I taught my son how to make hamburger hash. That year, in the tradition of the Pilgrims, we were celebrating our resiliency, our optimism in the face of adversity, and our joy in being a family. We have never had another Thanksgiving like that one. (While I wrote this my son came in and we agreed to skip Thanksgiving and concentrate on Christmas. I haven't told him yet I'm more interested in celebrating the Winter Solstice.)
One of the things I've been able to realize from learning my diagnosis is that there has been a common characteristic, a multi-generational influence that factored into each year's celebration. My maternal grandfather cast a shadow over every celebration with his mourning for his mother who died when he was a child. My father cast a similar shadow over celebrations with his mourning for his mother and his negative memories of holidays growing up in his grandmother's house with a cruel uncle. My mother treated the holidays as an obligation and always either accused an aunt of wanting to take away my father or complained about how she was mistreated by her family of origin. Neither of my parents were celebrating with the family they created.
My father and maternal grandfather were visibly depressed. What I've learned is that my mother most likely is also mentally ill -- she used to be a wild woman when her thyroid medication was not at the proper dosage. Like me, she also heard voices when the airconditioning was on (which I thought was normal). She also believed people were talking about her. She also had panic attacks and was plagued with anxiety. She is currently residing in a facility for people with dementia.
I am thankful for all the people who helped uncover the truth about me, who arrived at the proper diagnosis, who created a drug cocktail that helps, and for the hours with an exceptional therapist who was the first to finally reach ME. I probably won't celebrate the American Thanksgiving holiday any more, but I will continue to give thanks everyday for the extraordinary gift of myself that I received from the people who have led me to this place of safety and sanity. I am also thankful for the friends I've been able to be myself with, who have supported me both in depression and hypomania (and who can now identify my hypomanic period and safely flee), and who have been my first true friends.
When I was growing up, Thanksgiving meant a big dinner at the grandparents' house. Of course, this wasn't special because we had dinner there every Sunday. The difference was that in addition to the usual fried chicken there would be ham, in addition to mashed potatoes there was dressing, and in addition to chocolate cake there was sweet potato pie. But there were no traditions that made this day feel any different than any other day. As usual, my grandfather mumbled his regular dinner prayer.
After my grandparents passed away, Thanksgiving with my family of origin became even more bland. My mother would awaken before the rest of us in order to put the turkey in the oven, she would make dressing in the special yellow bowl, and my father would always manage to distract her long enough to get a test slice of turkey. There was never any mention of why we were celebrating. My sister and I knew about the origin of Thanksgiving from school. We had no idea how other families might celebrate. Some years we would all watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade on television. After my son was born, the only variation was that he and I would leave after the dishes had been done and go to a movie or have an adventure (go on a drive to discover something new).
While my son and I lived in Alaska, we spent three Thanksgivings with my boyfriend's family. I didn't know how to react to the way that they celebrated. We started the day with breakfast together, performed support tasks for the cooks, each household brought at least one dish to share, and we went for a lovely long walk while the turkey was baking. Dinner was served late in the day (in the South, dinner is the mid-day meal and supper is the evening meal). Everyone pitched in to clean up. And the hard part for me -- we went around the table declaring why we were thankful. Pre-diagnosis me immediately choked up, chin quivered, and I cried while saying I didn't know. My son would express thanks for the turkey.
The Thanksgivings that my son and I spent alone have been rather lackluster as well. The first Thanksgiving in Alaska with just the two of us was memorable. It occurred right after I had left my boyfriend. I had spent all of our money moving us into a small one bedroom apartment. My son had bedroom furniture and we had a folding table in the living area. I slept on the living room floor. We had no transportation costs because we lived across from the high school and I could walk to work. Times were very, very tight. Thanksgiving arrived before payday. On the Wednesday before, we had a treasure hunt in the apartment. My son has always shown no interest in coins and there was a treasure trove under the clothes on the floor of his bedroom. We scraped together some money, walked to the grocery store, and were able to purchase a half-pound of ground beef, three potatoes, and a very large onion. Then I taught my son how to make hamburger hash. That year, in the tradition of the Pilgrims, we were celebrating our resiliency, our optimism in the face of adversity, and our joy in being a family. We have never had another Thanksgiving like that one. (While I wrote this my son came in and we agreed to skip Thanksgiving and concentrate on Christmas. I haven't told him yet I'm more interested in celebrating the Winter Solstice.)
One of the things I've been able to realize from learning my diagnosis is that there has been a common characteristic, a multi-generational influence that factored into each year's celebration. My maternal grandfather cast a shadow over every celebration with his mourning for his mother who died when he was a child. My father cast a similar shadow over celebrations with his mourning for his mother and his negative memories of holidays growing up in his grandmother's house with a cruel uncle. My mother treated the holidays as an obligation and always either accused an aunt of wanting to take away my father or complained about how she was mistreated by her family of origin. Neither of my parents were celebrating with the family they created.
My father and maternal grandfather were visibly depressed. What I've learned is that my mother most likely is also mentally ill -- she used to be a wild woman when her thyroid medication was not at the proper dosage. Like me, she also heard voices when the airconditioning was on (which I thought was normal). She also believed people were talking about her. She also had panic attacks and was plagued with anxiety. She is currently residing in a facility for people with dementia.
I am thankful for all the people who helped uncover the truth about me, who arrived at the proper diagnosis, who created a drug cocktail that helps, and for the hours with an exceptional therapist who was the first to finally reach ME. I probably won't celebrate the American Thanksgiving holiday any more, but I will continue to give thanks everyday for the extraordinary gift of myself that I received from the people who have led me to this place of safety and sanity. I am also thankful for the friends I've been able to be myself with, who have supported me both in depression and hypomania (and who can now identify my hypomanic period and safely flee), and who have been my first true friends.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Trigger One Identified: Low Oxygen
I was weepy and agitated and panicky upon awakening. A nasty, nasty headache. I've felt this way for a couple of mornings lately. Well, today I identified the common factor -- breathing problems.
Part 1: Yesterday I did some intensive cleaning, including soaking water bottles in a bleach solution. Since my sense of smell is very bad, I didn't realize how strong the odor was nor how much my hands smelled of bleach.
Part 2: I have also been burning a candle at night -- usually a tea light, but sometimes a votive. Last night there was a storm, wind roaring, lights flickering as though the power was about to go out and I don't like those conditions. I grew up in tornado country and I am trained to stay alert during storms, seek cover under certain circumstances, and keep emergency supplies close at hand. I decided to save the batteries in my flashlight and kept a succession of votives burning all night. (I have never been able to fall asleep if I know that the power is out.) I dozed off and on all through the night.
Part 3: My apartment is drafty so I've not worried about lack of oxygen. However, in winter many of my neighbors take advantage of the wood burning fireplaces in the units. With certain weather conditions, the smoke stays low and it penetrates the other units.
Part 4: I have asthma. I have not been using my maintenance drug as prescribed (Yes, I know that it doesn't work if I don't use it). I did not have an asthma attack, but I would bet that the old peak flow meter would have indicated a problem.
Conclusion: Take all meds as prescribed. Don't burn candles all night. Ventilate the apartment when using strong smelling chemicals. DON'T use strong smelling chemicals. If these conditions are not met, don't be surprised if there is less than optimal brain functioning.
Sheesh.
Part 1: Yesterday I did some intensive cleaning, including soaking water bottles in a bleach solution. Since my sense of smell is very bad, I didn't realize how strong the odor was nor how much my hands smelled of bleach.
Part 2: I have also been burning a candle at night -- usually a tea light, but sometimes a votive. Last night there was a storm, wind roaring, lights flickering as though the power was about to go out and I don't like those conditions. I grew up in tornado country and I am trained to stay alert during storms, seek cover under certain circumstances, and keep emergency supplies close at hand. I decided to save the batteries in my flashlight and kept a succession of votives burning all night. (I have never been able to fall asleep if I know that the power is out.) I dozed off and on all through the night.
Part 3: My apartment is drafty so I've not worried about lack of oxygen. However, in winter many of my neighbors take advantage of the wood burning fireplaces in the units. With certain weather conditions, the smoke stays low and it penetrates the other units.
Part 4: I have asthma. I have not been using my maintenance drug as prescribed (Yes, I know that it doesn't work if I don't use it). I did not have an asthma attack, but I would bet that the old peak flow meter would have indicated a problem.
Conclusion: Take all meds as prescribed. Don't burn candles all night. Ventilate the apartment when using strong smelling chemicals. DON'T use strong smelling chemicals. If these conditions are not met, don't be surprised if there is less than optimal brain functioning.
Sheesh.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Today's been interesting....
Today's Moodscope reading was in the 70's, which seems valid to me. I've been scurrying around housecleaning, organizing, and generally transforming my apartment into a healthy and lovely place to live. Then, about an hour ago, I wanted to cry. To just sob. I began thinking about what may happen when my unemployment runs out. Then I started doing searches to see what other people have done. Then I started beating myself up. Result: I do believe I'm beginning my descent.
Tomorrow I'll think about possible triggers so that I can assess whether there was a reason for my reaction or whether it's a possible plummet. But for today, I'm going to find something upbeat to do, think about what intention I want to set at the new moon (Thursday), and generally calm myself down and think lovely thoughts.
Tomorrow I'll think about possible triggers so that I can assess whether there was a reason for my reaction or whether it's a possible plummet. But for today, I'm going to find something upbeat to do, think about what intention I want to set at the new moon (Thursday), and generally calm myself down and think lovely thoughts.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
What Do I Have to Live For?
Not raising any alarms here, but this question has been on my mind today. Not in the sense of throwing up my hands and asking the universe the purpose of my continued existence, but more in the very pragmatic sense of what part will I play in the larger scheme of things. What relationships will I have with the people who I've allowed into my life? How can I have successful friendships, a marriage, a wild passionate affair when I really have no healthy model for these relationships? (As it gets colder and my back needs warming I start thinking more and more about the wild passionate affair!)
I know that I'm on solid ground right now. No sense of impending doom. Meds taken every day. I'm taking better care of myself. I'll be giving some serious thought to these questions.
And, of course, I'll digress.
I've been reading a book about an early Alaskan settler who lived among the great brown bears on Admiralty Island. Having spent a decade in Southeast Alaska, the place names and descriptions brought up strong positive memories. Then I realized that today I've been a bear. I've been ravenous. It's cold outside and all I want to do is stuff my face and curl up on the couch in the nest of blankets and quilts that I've constructed. I'm sure that my snoring is similar to that of a bear.
When I lived up in Alaska and my son and boyfriend were driving me crazy, I would announce that I'd rather move out to the bush and live with the bears. Never thought I'd be living like one now that I'm back in the lower 48. I'm bearlike in actions, but not purely driven by biological responses to environmental changes. I can identify with the self-protective elements of preparing to hibernate and the drive to pause, to adopt a slower pace for a while. Although the pace of my life feels slow right now, there still exists the need to allow myself an emotional and intellectual gestational period.
I have an idea for another way to anticipate moods! I'll label a thermometer: 30 degrees and under - BEAR, 60 - 40 SANE CRONE, 70 - GRUMP, 80+ - MUST REMAIN CHILLED OR WILL RAPIDLY DECAY.
I know that I'm on solid ground right now. No sense of impending doom. Meds taken every day. I'm taking better care of myself. I'll be giving some serious thought to these questions.
And, of course, I'll digress.
I've been reading a book about an early Alaskan settler who lived among the great brown bears on Admiralty Island. Having spent a decade in Southeast Alaska, the place names and descriptions brought up strong positive memories. Then I realized that today I've been a bear. I've been ravenous. It's cold outside and all I want to do is stuff my face and curl up on the couch in the nest of blankets and quilts that I've constructed. I'm sure that my snoring is similar to that of a bear.
When I lived up in Alaska and my son and boyfriend were driving me crazy, I would announce that I'd rather move out to the bush and live with the bears. Never thought I'd be living like one now that I'm back in the lower 48. I'm bearlike in actions, but not purely driven by biological responses to environmental changes. I can identify with the self-protective elements of preparing to hibernate and the drive to pause, to adopt a slower pace for a while. Although the pace of my life feels slow right now, there still exists the need to allow myself an emotional and intellectual gestational period.
I have an idea for another way to anticipate moods! I'll label a thermometer: 30 degrees and under - BEAR, 60 - 40 SANE CRONE, 70 - GRUMP, 80+ - MUST REMAIN CHILLED OR WILL RAPIDLY DECAY.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Persistence (plus hands on hips)
I received a call telling me that I had left a puddle of oil in the driveway of my last client. Since I recalled running over a curb (that happens much too often), I assumed that I had hit the oil pan. When I checked my parking spot, there were drops of what appeared to be oil.
Off I went to a nearby store that has a garage. After my car was in the air, the mechanic showed me that the oil pan was fine. He mentioned that he did see that some fluid was leaking, but it was probably old. I asked for a possible reason why there would be such a large amount of fluid in my client's driveway. He said he could take a closer look, but I'd have to go get the bottom of my car steam-cleaned first. That's when I put my hands on my hips.
I asked again, in my best middle-aged, determined woman voice, if there was someone else who could take a look at it. He said there wasn't really anyone else available. I politely stood my ground and asked that he find someone else to take a look at it. The second mechanic discovered that another fluid was leaking and recommended a nearby full service garage (who looked it over, explained what was happening, and why it is not a situation that is urgent).
Pre-diagnosis, I would have had tears in my eyes, chin quivering, would have spoken as though the situation was life and death, and would be worried about what I was sure would absolutely have to be an engine overhaul at the very least. My mind would immediately develop a scenario featuring me living in the woods, penniless, car-less, and generally abandoned. There are coyotes who'd probably get me (see Germs vs Meds).
I am so pleased with myself. I hated all the drama that used to be part of my life and that I could in no way control. But just in case, I'll look around before leaving my apartment to see if any critters (coyotes, cougars, wild boars, poodles) are skulking around.
Off I went to a nearby store that has a garage. After my car was in the air, the mechanic showed me that the oil pan was fine. He mentioned that he did see that some fluid was leaking, but it was probably old. I asked for a possible reason why there would be such a large amount of fluid in my client's driveway. He said he could take a closer look, but I'd have to go get the bottom of my car steam-cleaned first. That's when I put my hands on my hips.
I asked again, in my best middle-aged, determined woman voice, if there was someone else who could take a look at it. He said there wasn't really anyone else available. I politely stood my ground and asked that he find someone else to take a look at it. The second mechanic discovered that another fluid was leaking and recommended a nearby full service garage (who looked it over, explained what was happening, and why it is not a situation that is urgent).
Pre-diagnosis, I would have had tears in my eyes, chin quivering, would have spoken as though the situation was life and death, and would be worried about what I was sure would absolutely have to be an engine overhaul at the very least. My mind would immediately develop a scenario featuring me living in the woods, penniless, car-less, and generally abandoned. There are coyotes who'd probably get me (see Germs vs Meds).
I am so pleased with myself. I hated all the drama that used to be part of my life and that I could in no way control. But just in case, I'll look around before leaving my apartment to see if any critters (coyotes, cougars, wild boars, poodles) are skulking around.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Distinguishing Between Plummets in Cycle and Days That Just Suck
I'm doing a better job of using Moodscope. I think my high point was the past couple of days where my score was in the 60's. Today I am down about 20 points. And I feel like I have PMS (not possible, thank goodness!) and anyone who ventures into my apartment might feel my wrath. Definitely growly today. I'll see what tomorrow brings and check my daily score before I make any assumption about whether I'm just having a rotten day or if I am headed downward.
Today is cold and dismal. I was scheduled to work five hours, but my client asked that I be on hold for 3 of the scheduled hours. Then, they cancelled on the balance. I'll be paid for 2 hours. Another client decided that he did not need the additional care that we provided. I may have another client beginning tomorrow. But right now, I'll only get paid this week for 7 hours of work. And next week I'm only scheduled for 5 hours.
I'm moving into semi-panic mode...not really, but I am trying to figure out ways to become more aggressive in my search for employment. I enjoy what I am doing right now. It feels good to be making life a bit easier for individuals in their 80's and 90's. I think that I take good care of them and they certainly give good feelings back to me. But the pay stinks.
My son reminds me that I somehow always seem to make things work out. Maybe the trick to sorting out all of this and finding inspiration is to pretend that I still am a single mother. But this time, I am the person who receives my care. Wow.
Maybe I've scattered my energy too much by worrying about individual aspects of my situation. Why worry about housing if I don't have an income? Why worry about medical care if I don't have an income? My first priority needs to be (this will go on the white board in large friendly letters) generating an income. Eureka!
But for now, I'm going to put on my pajamas, pull the grandmother quilt around me, and just think for a while. Then sleep. I'll wake up refreshed and knowing what should be done next.
Today is cold and dismal. I was scheduled to work five hours, but my client asked that I be on hold for 3 of the scheduled hours. Then, they cancelled on the balance. I'll be paid for 2 hours. Another client decided that he did not need the additional care that we provided. I may have another client beginning tomorrow. But right now, I'll only get paid this week for 7 hours of work. And next week I'm only scheduled for 5 hours.
I'm moving into semi-panic mode...not really, but I am trying to figure out ways to become more aggressive in my search for employment. I enjoy what I am doing right now. It feels good to be making life a bit easier for individuals in their 80's and 90's. I think that I take good care of them and they certainly give good feelings back to me. But the pay stinks.
My son reminds me that I somehow always seem to make things work out. Maybe the trick to sorting out all of this and finding inspiration is to pretend that I still am a single mother. But this time, I am the person who receives my care. Wow.
Maybe I've scattered my energy too much by worrying about individual aspects of my situation. Why worry about housing if I don't have an income? Why worry about medical care if I don't have an income? My first priority needs to be (this will go on the white board in large friendly letters) generating an income. Eureka!
But for now, I'm going to put on my pajamas, pull the grandmother quilt around me, and just think for a while. Then sleep. I'll wake up refreshed and knowing what should be done next.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Ways I Was Proactive Last Week
I did these good things for myself/had these good things happen to me last week:
1. I visited a state website and submitted information for a review to determine if I am eligible for public assistance of any sort.
2. I called the bank where I have a credit card and inquired about the possibility of making smaller payments. I explained to her that I had paid for credit protection insurance and my claim was rejected as untimely. She, unlike the previous rep I spoke with, advised me of my appeal rights. I wrote a beautiful letter and sent it to the appeals department.
3. I took my meds everyday -- as prescribed.
4. I ate at least once a day.
5. I received a new client which increased my hours worked from 10 to 22.
6. I went to church on Sunday and I got a big hug from a nice man. He shared his diagnosis with me (also a type of depression).
7. I took out three bags of trash and put more junk in the car to take to Goodwill.
8. I checked in with a friend every morning. She sat beside me in church and had a tissue ready in case I needed it. I didn't.
9. I attended my Chalice Circle meeting on Sunday. Unitarians have these small family-like groups called "Chalice Circles." This group, plus a few other people, were included in my coming out email. The group is a reminder that there is always someone out there who cares about my welfare.
10. I went grocery shopping with a list and only deviated from it once. I swear the chocolate was medicinal.
Not a bad week. My favorites were the hug and the chocolate.
1. I visited a state website and submitted information for a review to determine if I am eligible for public assistance of any sort.
2. I called the bank where I have a credit card and inquired about the possibility of making smaller payments. I explained to her that I had paid for credit protection insurance and my claim was rejected as untimely. She, unlike the previous rep I spoke with, advised me of my appeal rights. I wrote a beautiful letter and sent it to the appeals department.
3. I took my meds everyday -- as prescribed.
4. I ate at least once a day.
5. I received a new client which increased my hours worked from 10 to 22.
6. I went to church on Sunday and I got a big hug from a nice man. He shared his diagnosis with me (also a type of depression).
7. I took out three bags of trash and put more junk in the car to take to Goodwill.
8. I checked in with a friend every morning. She sat beside me in church and had a tissue ready in case I needed it. I didn't.
9. I attended my Chalice Circle meeting on Sunday. Unitarians have these small family-like groups called "Chalice Circles." This group, plus a few other people, were included in my coming out email. The group is a reminder that there is always someone out there who cares about my welfare.
10. I went grocery shopping with a list and only deviated from it once. I swear the chocolate was medicinal.
Not a bad week. My favorites were the hug and the chocolate.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I'm FREE!!
A couple of things today have really helped me feel lighter.
I observe the passage of the moon. At the new moon, I state an intention and light a candle; at the full moon, I express gratitude for whatever has transpired since the new moon -- whether or not it has anything to do with my intention. I light a candle at the time that I am setting an intention or expressing gratitude. Last night, when the candle exhausted itself, I breathed a giant sigh of relief. I had no idea why, but it felt good.
I watched "Groundhog Day" recently and have been considering what things I've kept doing over and if I can finally do them right so that I can progress.
I had a new client today. He is unable to speak, and is confined to bed. Communicating with him today was a real challenge. At one point, it appeared that he was about to spill his juice and I reached to put the cup back in an upright position. He would stare right at me and slant it until it almost spilled. He finally poured the juice out over his crotch. I didn't know what to make of his behavior. In the past, I would have found some way to blame myself. Instead, I called my supervisor, left a message describing the incident, and asked for her advice. I am strong and assertive now!
I am glad to be a crone! I am a menopausal, strong, wise, empathetic woman and I celebrate me! I am relieved to finally feel more in control of my own life. I consider the knowledge I have gained about myself through my diagnosis as wisdom that makes me stronger.
I am making progress. My mood feels like it is halfway between my lowest and highest points. It's so good to feel this way.
I observe the passage of the moon. At the new moon, I state an intention and light a candle; at the full moon, I express gratitude for whatever has transpired since the new moon -- whether or not it has anything to do with my intention. I light a candle at the time that I am setting an intention or expressing gratitude. Last night, when the candle exhausted itself, I breathed a giant sigh of relief. I had no idea why, but it felt good.
I watched "Groundhog Day" recently and have been considering what things I've kept doing over and if I can finally do them right so that I can progress.
I had a new client today. He is unable to speak, and is confined to bed. Communicating with him today was a real challenge. At one point, it appeared that he was about to spill his juice and I reached to put the cup back in an upright position. He would stare right at me and slant it until it almost spilled. He finally poured the juice out over his crotch. I didn't know what to make of his behavior. In the past, I would have found some way to blame myself. Instead, I called my supervisor, left a message describing the incident, and asked for her advice. I am strong and assertive now!
I am glad to be a crone! I am a menopausal, strong, wise, empathetic woman and I celebrate me! I am relieved to finally feel more in control of my own life. I consider the knowledge I have gained about myself through my diagnosis as wisdom that makes me stronger.
I am making progress. My mood feels like it is halfway between my lowest and highest points. It's so good to feel this way.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Maintaining Equilibrium While on Unemployment
I feel like being proactive today and that's a good sign.
Today is devoted to re-evaluating how I can meet my health and financial needs. I've been unemployed for a year, had a couple of months of severance pay, and withdrew my 401k funds, which I used to open a savings account.
Currently, my savings account has a small balance, I am working from 10 - 20 hours per week, and receive enough in unemployment benefits to keep my weekly income about equal to what unemployment alone would pay. I estimate that I have about twenty more weeks of benefits.
I'm not going to think about debt today; I'm just going to do my best to avoid any new debt.
Disability doesn't seem to apply to me, although I haven't exhausted researching that possibility. So far I've been able to find work where I'm not required to work at night (need to have a full night's sleep after night meds), I'm not in a large office atmosphere (being bombarded with a variety of sounds leads to my brain misinterpreting them), and my work situation is not stressful (except for the uncertainty of having enough work to provide the income that I need).
I need enough income to pay for (in order of importance):
Meds
Periodic visits to doctor
Shelter
Food
Transportation
I put shelter before food because to maintain I need a peaceful, calming, environment where I feel safe. I currently live in that type of situation.
About every three months, I do a critical reassessment of what I have to offer, how it can be used, and how much it is worth. Then I research related job opportunities or look at ways I could freelance or begin my own business.
Fortunately, I had been signed up for auto refills at my pharmacy and they usually processed those every twenty days. The dosage on some of my meds changed and the pharmacy never updated their records so I have a small stash. Two of my essential meds come in generic form and the other is frightfully expensive (I've included this in my monthly budget).
Research for employment opportunities and/or self-employment options takes priority today. In order to maintain equilibrium, for right now it must be first and foremost.
Today is devoted to re-evaluating how I can meet my health and financial needs. I've been unemployed for a year, had a couple of months of severance pay, and withdrew my 401k funds, which I used to open a savings account.
Currently, my savings account has a small balance, I am working from 10 - 20 hours per week, and receive enough in unemployment benefits to keep my weekly income about equal to what unemployment alone would pay. I estimate that I have about twenty more weeks of benefits.
I'm not going to think about debt today; I'm just going to do my best to avoid any new debt.
Disability doesn't seem to apply to me, although I haven't exhausted researching that possibility. So far I've been able to find work where I'm not required to work at night (need to have a full night's sleep after night meds), I'm not in a large office atmosphere (being bombarded with a variety of sounds leads to my brain misinterpreting them), and my work situation is not stressful (except for the uncertainty of having enough work to provide the income that I need).
I need enough income to pay for (in order of importance):
Meds
Periodic visits to doctor
Shelter
Food
Transportation
I put shelter before food because to maintain I need a peaceful, calming, environment where I feel safe. I currently live in that type of situation.
About every three months, I do a critical reassessment of what I have to offer, how it can be used, and how much it is worth. Then I research related job opportunities or look at ways I could freelance or begin my own business.
Fortunately, I had been signed up for auto refills at my pharmacy and they usually processed those every twenty days. The dosage on some of my meds changed and the pharmacy never updated their records so I have a small stash. Two of my essential meds come in generic form and the other is frightfully expensive (I've included this in my monthly budget).
Research for employment opportunities and/or self-employment options takes priority today. In order to maintain equilibrium, for right now it must be first and foremost.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Inability to Accept Success
I just finished chairing a committee for a craft fair/festival at my church. The event was yesterday and everyone seemed very pleased with the outcome. As I was thanked or complimented on my part in the process, I found myself actively discounting my own role. I think it might be part of my Southern roots ("What a lovely dress you're wearing today." "This old thing?").
I put in two eleven hour days, only had a quick snack (sugary) on both days, had one cup of coffee (but counteracted that with a mug of "Tension Tamer" tea) -- basically did not take care of my basic needs. But the lovely endorphins had taken over. I loved being so involved, caught up in the preparations, stretching myself, heading up an incredible team of volunteers. I smiled, laughed a bit, and displayed that I was pleased with the event and its successful outcome. I even ventured into uncomfortable territory by briefly holding the microphone and speaking (my voice didn't shake!).
At the conclusion of the day I was physically tired, but I was also weary and teary.
No surprise at the dream I had last night: I was at a festival and was chosen as the queen. There were gifts showered on me, but the best of these could only be obtained by rowing across a lake filled with snakes and guarded by menacing, hostile people who tried to persuade me that I couldn't make it across. When I reached the other side I was overwhelmed at the additional items I received -- a house, glamorous wardrobe, private chef -- you get the idea. Then sunset came and I was locked in a cell without windows or any basic comforts. When someone finally came to the door, I was told that my final gift was that I was to be sacrificed to appease the gods (this is why I prefer goddesses!). Then I awoke.
What I came away with from this dream is that I feel more rewarded by working toward a goal than actually achieving it. Something more for me to ponder.
I put in two eleven hour days, only had a quick snack (sugary) on both days, had one cup of coffee (but counteracted that with a mug of "Tension Tamer" tea) -- basically did not take care of my basic needs. But the lovely endorphins had taken over. I loved being so involved, caught up in the preparations, stretching myself, heading up an incredible team of volunteers. I smiled, laughed a bit, and displayed that I was pleased with the event and its successful outcome. I even ventured into uncomfortable territory by briefly holding the microphone and speaking (my voice didn't shake!).
At the conclusion of the day I was physically tired, but I was also weary and teary.
No surprise at the dream I had last night: I was at a festival and was chosen as the queen. There were gifts showered on me, but the best of these could only be obtained by rowing across a lake filled with snakes and guarded by menacing, hostile people who tried to persuade me that I couldn't make it across. When I reached the other side I was overwhelmed at the additional items I received -- a house, glamorous wardrobe, private chef -- you get the idea. Then sunset came and I was locked in a cell without windows or any basic comforts. When someone finally came to the door, I was told that my final gift was that I was to be sacrificed to appease the gods (this is why I prefer goddesses!). Then I awoke.
What I came away with from this dream is that I feel more rewarded by working toward a goal than actually achieving it. Something more for me to ponder.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Distress Tolerance Skills
I read some place that individuals with the diagnosis of BP2 are at the highest risk of suicide. One of the many things I learned last year in the hospital were Distress Tolerance Skills and how to use them to stay safe during a crisis.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was developed by Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington and it was developed to help treat individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder. An article about her recently appeared in the New York Time's series on mental illness entitled "Lives Restored".
The distress tolerance skills help you to accept yourself and your situation in an objective manner. The skills aid in tolerating distress, living in the moment, and surviving crisis. I recently wrote about one living in the moment skill where I envision myself watching events as though they were a train passing in front of me.
Today in church I found myself weeping again. Of course, the sermon was positive and the tears seem to always fall in those circumstances. During most of the service I self-soothed by rubbing the smooth surface of my watch and it became semi-automatic. It was when the kind, good, hard to accept things were mentioned, that I could no longer focus on the self-soothing.
I encourage you to learn more about this therapy and the distress tolerance skills.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was developed by Marsha Linehan of the University of Washington and it was developed to help treat individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder. An article about her recently appeared in the New York Time's series on mental illness entitled "Lives Restored".
The distress tolerance skills help you to accept yourself and your situation in an objective manner. The skills aid in tolerating distress, living in the moment, and surviving crisis. I recently wrote about one living in the moment skill where I envision myself watching events as though they were a train passing in front of me.
Today in church I found myself weeping again. Of course, the sermon was positive and the tears seem to always fall in those circumstances. During most of the service I self-soothed by rubbing the smooth surface of my watch and it became semi-automatic. It was when the kind, good, hard to accept things were mentioned, that I could no longer focus on the self-soothing.
I encourage you to learn more about this therapy and the distress tolerance skills.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Being Patient With Myself
Remember how I mentioned that Moodscope (see my favorite links) is an incredible tool and even the daily reminders are wonderful?
Today's reminder was exactly what I needed -- recovery from a drop in mood takes time. Time to be patient with myself.
Still don't feel like smiling, but I have noticed that I've dropped more weight -- my jeans are hanging from my hips and the legs are loose. Twenty pounds has come off, which isn't really a bad thing. When I had the episode that led to my diagnosis, I dropped forty pounds in less than a month. My appetite is not good or I forget to eat, but I need to remind myself that although things are rough right now, they're not as bad as the Spring and Summer of 2010.
Working on gratitude today and not being judgmental. And sipping a chocolate (it is medicinal) shake.
Today's reminder was exactly what I needed -- recovery from a drop in mood takes time. Time to be patient with myself.
Still don't feel like smiling, but I have noticed that I've dropped more weight -- my jeans are hanging from my hips and the legs are loose. Twenty pounds has come off, which isn't really a bad thing. When I had the episode that led to my diagnosis, I dropped forty pounds in less than a month. My appetite is not good or I forget to eat, but I need to remind myself that although things are rough right now, they're not as bad as the Spring and Summer of 2010.
Working on gratitude today and not being judgmental. And sipping a chocolate (it is medicinal) shake.
Considering All Factors
Fall episodes of depression have been part of my life since at least puberty. An exacerbating factor is the fact that my father's suicide occurred in the Fall. But I didn't factor in an incident that occurred just last year.
Last November my job was eliminated. There were ups and downs to that. The main up was that I was no longer living in fear of my job being eliminated -- it was done and I could get on exploring new paths. The main down has been the uncertainty of finding work that has health insurance and provides sufficient income.
But I had forgotten another down. My job was eliminated one week before Thanksgiving, two weeks before my birthday, and three weeks prior to my four year anniversary with the company. Last year I was not feeling like being thankful and my son celebrated with his employer's family. I added guilt to my sadness.
Things are better in that I'm at least partially employed and have set having funds for my meds as my first priority. Juggling bills is something that I have done many times in my life -- no surprises there. Although I spend my workdays taking care of others, I am not totally drained because I have accumulated friends -- friends who stick by me in hard times as well as good times. And I have an incredible son.
I can survive this current bout.
Last November my job was eliminated. There were ups and downs to that. The main up was that I was no longer living in fear of my job being eliminated -- it was done and I could get on exploring new paths. The main down has been the uncertainty of finding work that has health insurance and provides sufficient income.
But I had forgotten another down. My job was eliminated one week before Thanksgiving, two weeks before my birthday, and three weeks prior to my four year anniversary with the company. Last year I was not feeling like being thankful and my son celebrated with his employer's family. I added guilt to my sadness.
Things are better in that I'm at least partially employed and have set having funds for my meds as my first priority. Juggling bills is something that I have done many times in my life -- no surprises there. Although I spend my workdays taking care of others, I am not totally drained because I have accumulated friends -- friends who stick by me in hard times as well as good times. And I have an incredible son.
I can survive this current bout.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Today is a not so good day.
I had errands to run and fought back tears the whole time I was in public.
I can't think of a reason I should be sad, but I do feel this near overwhelming sadness. Of course, the weather is once again gloomy and I did not use my GLAD (Glorious Lumination Avoids Depression) light this morning so I will use it now. I ate, I took meds, I got busy doing things I've wanted to do around here. I took my meds last night and had a good night's sleep. But I am having trouble following through on the things that I wish to accomplish here today.
What I really feel like is wrapping up in the quilt my grandmother made and spending time in my rocking chair. Just rocking. One of my goals today is to move the chair to a different position where I won't feel like I'm sitting in a dark corner.
I need to retain my composure for 8 hours on Saturday. I don't feel like smiling and don't know if I'll feel like it on Saturday. Fortunately, I know where there's a closet where I can hide away for a bit if I need to. I came out to friends and now I'm thinking about going into a closet. Haha
I can't think of a reason I should be sad, but I do feel this near overwhelming sadness. Of course, the weather is once again gloomy and I did not use my GLAD (Glorious Lumination Avoids Depression) light this morning so I will use it now. I ate, I took meds, I got busy doing things I've wanted to do around here. I took my meds last night and had a good night's sleep. But I am having trouble following through on the things that I wish to accomplish here today.
What I really feel like is wrapping up in the quilt my grandmother made and spending time in my rocking chair. Just rocking. One of my goals today is to move the chair to a different position where I won't feel like I'm sitting in a dark corner.
I need to retain my composure for 8 hours on Saturday. I don't feel like smiling and don't know if I'll feel like it on Saturday. Fortunately, I know where there's a closet where I can hide away for a bit if I need to. I came out to friends and now I'm thinking about going into a closet. Haha
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
The Perils of Having 90+ Year Old Clients
I used to think I wanted to live to be 100 years old; I'm rethinking that. My clients have been incredible people, but they are fragile in mind and body.
Today my client was non-responsive when I arrived. EMS arrived quickly and took him to the hospital. I found out later that he might be able to come back home. His wife, also my client, was strong and determined and right by his side. I would love to have the same type of loving relationship that they have -- absolutely devoted to each other and so delighted to be together.
So that has made me start thinking, but not in a positive way. I am already in the demographic of unemployed women who may never again be employed and I know I've heard of one prediction that women of my age are more likely to be killed by terrorists than to get married. I've been alone so very long. It feels like forever.
I want to get married or enter into a committed relationship with a man who is loving, honest, straight-forward, silly, intelligent, playful, responsible, faithful, sober, passionate, and who absolutely adores me. I should start visualizing this and putting this description on one of the white boards. First step in having this is believing that I am worthy and that it is possible.
So the depression is much less severe, but I am feeling sad.
Today my client was non-responsive when I arrived. EMS arrived quickly and took him to the hospital. I found out later that he might be able to come back home. His wife, also my client, was strong and determined and right by his side. I would love to have the same type of loving relationship that they have -- absolutely devoted to each other and so delighted to be together.
So that has made me start thinking, but not in a positive way. I am already in the demographic of unemployed women who may never again be employed and I know I've heard of one prediction that women of my age are more likely to be killed by terrorists than to get married. I've been alone so very long. It feels like forever.
I want to get married or enter into a committed relationship with a man who is loving, honest, straight-forward, silly, intelligent, playful, responsible, faithful, sober, passionate, and who absolutely adores me. I should start visualizing this and putting this description on one of the white boards. First step in having this is believing that I am worthy and that it is possible.
So the depression is much less severe, but I am feeling sad.
I need to remember to eat
I'm feeling better in many respects, but I still have no appetite and I've tried to pick foods that will excite my sense of taste.
Sleeping is improving, but still not where it was pre-episode. I need to return to sleeping in my bed, not on the couch. But there's something so comforting about sleeping on the couch wrapped in a quilt my grandmother made. It brings to mind how babies can be comforted by swaddling. Just feeling touched.
I got an email from a from church friend(one I did not come out to) who said that she missed my smile. Seems to be that's what people have noticed. I haven't felt like smiling.
I go to work in a few hours and adopt my caretaker persona so that I can bring light to my client. She's going through a rough time and I am there to help her. It's not like when I worked in an office and could run to the bathroom when I could no longer hold back the tears.
Taking meds right after this period. (gulp)
Sleeping is improving, but still not where it was pre-episode. I need to return to sleeping in my bed, not on the couch. But there's something so comforting about sleeping on the couch wrapped in a quilt my grandmother made. It brings to mind how babies can be comforted by swaddling. Just feeling touched.
I got an email from a from church friend(one I did not come out to) who said that she missed my smile. Seems to be that's what people have noticed. I haven't felt like smiling.
I go to work in a few hours and adopt my caretaker persona so that I can bring light to my client. She's going through a rough time and I am there to help her. It's not like when I worked in an office and could run to the bathroom when I could no longer hold back the tears.
Taking meds right after this period. (gulp)
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