Tonight is the first time I have worked an overnight shift. It is not even completely dark outside and I am the only one still awake. There is a motion sensor in my client's room so I will know when his feet hit the floor and can run into the room and assist him in safely standing and in toileting. I've brought a couple of books, have plans to do some work online, and will probably watch a little television. Ideally, I should be napping so that I am conserving my energy for the times when my client will need me. Of course, I will probably be wide awake until 30 minutes before the shift ends.
Thoughts that are running through my head:
I need to quit worrying about future encounters with the man I had a crush on. Just let it go. I have worried that I have been a pest, that I have... I just worry. Stay in now. What's done is done. But I still feel sad. And embarrassed. I am socially inept and have not been faithfully taking my medications. That's a loaded combination. Although I want to send him a birthday greeting, I won't because I don't want to be perceived as a pest.
I need to get back on my meds. Today I purchased two of the three meds that I should be taking. They are now a permanent part of my budget. With the help of the Zoloft and Lamictal, I should get back on an even keel. However, I am having some troubling symptoms and I recognize that I would really benefit from getting back on the Xyprexa. That one little pill would really help lower my level of worry, fear, near-paranoia, and self-doubt. Of course, I need to do other work to support the meds, but there is no denying that my quality of life improves when all three drugs are used.
I want to spend more time with my son. Since I started working seven days a week I have spent very little time in contact with him. I miss him. I'll keep trying to find time for us, but I won't pester him.
I will remind myself that loneliness doesn't have to last forever. Although I've made a couple of good friends, I find that the circumstances of my work lends itself to feeling lonely. Most of my clients are alone. They are glad to see me and I am glad to exchange their trust for my companionship. Professionalism dictates that this should be a one-way exchange. I often find myself feeling lonelier after a visit. I dwell on the fact that so many of us are alone, will end each day alone, will wither and die alone. I see what an important role that community plays in our lives. My work schedule leads to isolation -- tonight's a great example. It feels like more and more we are all moving toward a life of isolation.
I have to take good care of myself. I've had many bad thoughts lately. What's the use in trying? Does anything I do make a bit of difference? How can I escape from this life? I know these thoughts won't last and that the meds will help keep them at bay, but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that these feelings exist. I'm trying to ride them out and remind myself that I will be stronger when this phase passes.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
What's my 25 year plan? - Part 1
It occurred to me today that it is likely that I will live into my mid-80's. That's when my grandparents died, my mother is in that range and receiving hospice care, and my aunts and uncle also died during those years.
What's my 25 year plan?
Planning is not my strong suit. When I'm not functioning within a highly structured organization (school, work, etc), I flounder. Heck, I turn to stone. A square stone anchored in the earth, incapable of moving unless acted upon by earthquake force.
I want to flourish, thrive, live life with gusto! As I said on New Year's Day, I am welcoming prosperity, good health, true friendship, and love into my life. Very large welcome mat needed for all of that!
Prosperity is closer. I am working enough hours on a regular basis that I can do budget projections. I know that I need to find a less expensive place to live in order to cut my monthly expenditures. I have credit card debt that I need to deal with, but don't see the possibility of resolving it any time soon. I need to put meds at the top of my expenses. I need to keep finding ways to reduce my gasoline use and still be able to accept work assignments that are offered to me. I need to store something more than ice cubes in my freezer. I've been in tough financial situations before so I feel most capable of doing the necessary work toward achieving prosperity.
Good health is visibly in progress. I've lost 50 pounds as the result of physical labor and consuming less food. Although I'm often tired, I am taking time to rest when my body demands that I sleep. Getting back on meds (taking them as prescribed) is the most important next step that I can take.
True friendships exist in my life for what feels like the first time ever. My friends all appear to accept me just as I am. No one seems to want to change me. This is evidence that I'm allowing access to the right people. I don't hesitate to ask when I am in need, share when I have a cupful of joy, and they understand that I'm just beginning to figure out friendships. This is all new to me and I am so grateful that I finally feel accepted.
Love. I want to be married or in a long term committed relationship with a man who wants me. A man who loves me. I want a home that is our sanctuary. While I don't want to have my whole life revolve around the man of my dreams, I do want both of us to want to give our relationship priority. I don't feel closer to this goal, but I have received some excellent advice on the subject. My older gentlemen, my male clients, have done so much to help me see my good qualities. They sometimes lecture me, but in a way that I feel nurtured and valued. And they all have romantic notions. They tell me that I will know the "right" man when he enters my life and that Mr. Right will recognize me and will not rest until he has captured my heart. That meshes with my "Some Enchanted Evening" perspective. I've become quite pragmatic through the years, but there is still a romantic spark that I hold to tightly. I want to feel that electricity, that connection, that desire to surrender to the magnetism.
Then I remind myself that, until I take better care of myself in every possible way, I won't be able to maintain prosperity, share true friendships, maintain a loving relationship, and be both physically and mentally healthy. I now allow myself to be my best ME.
NEXT CHAPTER: Plotting a course
What's my 25 year plan?
Planning is not my strong suit. When I'm not functioning within a highly structured organization (school, work, etc), I flounder. Heck, I turn to stone. A square stone anchored in the earth, incapable of moving unless acted upon by earthquake force.
I want to flourish, thrive, live life with gusto! As I said on New Year's Day, I am welcoming prosperity, good health, true friendship, and love into my life. Very large welcome mat needed for all of that!
Prosperity is closer. I am working enough hours on a regular basis that I can do budget projections. I know that I need to find a less expensive place to live in order to cut my monthly expenditures. I have credit card debt that I need to deal with, but don't see the possibility of resolving it any time soon. I need to put meds at the top of my expenses. I need to keep finding ways to reduce my gasoline use and still be able to accept work assignments that are offered to me. I need to store something more than ice cubes in my freezer. I've been in tough financial situations before so I feel most capable of doing the necessary work toward achieving prosperity.
Good health is visibly in progress. I've lost 50 pounds as the result of physical labor and consuming less food. Although I'm often tired, I am taking time to rest when my body demands that I sleep. Getting back on meds (taking them as prescribed) is the most important next step that I can take.
True friendships exist in my life for what feels like the first time ever. My friends all appear to accept me just as I am. No one seems to want to change me. This is evidence that I'm allowing access to the right people. I don't hesitate to ask when I am in need, share when I have a cupful of joy, and they understand that I'm just beginning to figure out friendships. This is all new to me and I am so grateful that I finally feel accepted.
Love. I want to be married or in a long term committed relationship with a man who wants me. A man who loves me. I want a home that is our sanctuary. While I don't want to have my whole life revolve around the man of my dreams, I do want both of us to want to give our relationship priority. I don't feel closer to this goal, but I have received some excellent advice on the subject. My older gentlemen, my male clients, have done so much to help me see my good qualities. They sometimes lecture me, but in a way that I feel nurtured and valued. And they all have romantic notions. They tell me that I will know the "right" man when he enters my life and that Mr. Right will recognize me and will not rest until he has captured my heart. That meshes with my "Some Enchanted Evening" perspective. I've become quite pragmatic through the years, but there is still a romantic spark that I hold to tightly. I want to feel that electricity, that connection, that desire to surrender to the magnetism.
Then I remind myself that, until I take better care of myself in every possible way, I won't be able to maintain prosperity, share true friendships, maintain a loving relationship, and be both physically and mentally healthy. I now allow myself to be my best ME.
NEXT CHAPTER: Plotting a course
Monday, August 13, 2012
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
I have an unstructured day and, as usually happens, I have been spending it following links...falling down rabbit holes. However, today I had a good idea and followed through!
The local chapter of NAMI has been on my radar. My reluctance to come out of the bipolar closet has kept me from looking at local support groups. But the time has come. I am not doing well. I know some people who are battling similar demons (demons isn't the best word choice, but it sure fits how I feel today), but it's time to enlarge my circle of mutual support. It's time to stand up and admit that I need the support, company, and friendship of other people.
The telephone call was made. Nope, own it. I called the contact person and asked for information regarding meetings. I've been exploring the website. The support group meets tomorrow night and I followed up by doing something that people who know me would find hard to believe. I called my scheduler and said that I will not be available for work assignments in the evening of the days that the support group meets.
Take a look: www.dballiance.org
HOORAY!
The local chapter of NAMI has been on my radar. My reluctance to come out of the bipolar closet has kept me from looking at local support groups. But the time has come. I am not doing well. I know some people who are battling similar demons (demons isn't the best word choice, but it sure fits how I feel today), but it's time to enlarge my circle of mutual support. It's time to stand up and admit that I need the support, company, and friendship of other people.
The telephone call was made. Nope, own it. I called the contact person and asked for information regarding meetings. I've been exploring the website. The support group meets tomorrow night and I followed up by doing something that people who know me would find hard to believe. I called my scheduler and said that I will not be available for work assignments in the evening of the days that the support group meets.
Take a look: www.dballiance.org
HOORAY!
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