I'm not aware of a 12 step program for those of us who are navigating life after diagnosis. But I intend to explore how to apply such a program to my life. This is where and when I'll begin.
In my efforts to find some relief from the helplessness I felt pre-diagnosis, I came across the book If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Bells rang, alarms blared, lightbulbs appeared over my head! Yes, I had controlling parents! Of course I recognized that this was not the source of my difficulties, but it sure felt like a situation that could exacerbate whatever was going on with me. This book led me to other resources that helped then and, if I will use them, can help me now.
My next discovery was ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). So many things rang true! There is a history of alcoholism in my family and I consider myself an alcoholic. I felt no ill effects from drinking. I never drank excessively (which is probably not an accurate statement), but there was a point where I needed a drink to sleep. Alcohol no longer had a place in my home, but I could visit it when I went on a single-moms-out-night. There was a strong connection between alcohol and sex for me. Sober sex? I don't have much experience with it, but I do know that it's much easier to realize when the wrong man is in my bed if I don't drink. Ok, I don't have years of experience in this area. The one man I've had sober sex with was still an impulsive situation for me, but I recognized very quickly that I did not want him in my body again. I'm at a complete loss now. I don't know how to meet a nice man. I don't know how to behave around nice men. And as much as I'd love to spoon with a snoring, drooling, musky, good man, I have a hard time believing it will ever happen. I've met one nice man since diagnosis, but I fell back on some of my old behaviors. Overwhelming. Enthusiastic -- hyperenthusiastic. Teenage me. Socially inept me. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again. Melodrama! Sheesh.
The challenge in this area, and in all other areas for me, is to determine what is "normal" and to learn how to integrate the lovely parts of being bipolar with the behaviors that nurture life with other people. The result should be a higher quality of life. A less lonely life.
Meds help smooth off each end of the spectrum.
They work if you take them. Load the mediset.
It works if you work it. Read the big red book.
10 minutes after posting: Lesson learned. Google first. There are already programs that combine mental health and 12 step programs. Sheesh.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Becoming Crashproof
My newest goal is to become crashproof in spite of anything life tosses my way or how I sabotage myself.
Other terms are used, but "crash" best describes my experience. Life is just too much, all circuits overload, the will to push on disappears, and I find myself on the floor unable to move forward. Just unable to move. Then the "why bother" thoughts enter my head and I look for a quick exit. When that fails, I update myself to the next version. I am currently version 1.8.
Prior to each crash I believed that I was doing my best, just being a superhuman good girl. I believed that what I was doing would make a difference and I was taking care of everyone. Then everything stopped. No motion at all. The truth is that I really did do my best for a while. There was no gauge to indicate that the fire and determination were no longer serving as fuel, but instead were destructive elements. No idiot light to indicate that my engine was overheating.
I laid there on the floor while others picked up the pieces and restored order to chaos. While on the floor, I could see no future, felt no energy, lacked the ability to continue forward, and then acted on that lack of vision.
"No" has become part of my vocabulary, but it is not used often enough. I see myself heading in an unhealthy direction and start applying "no" as needed. At least for a while. Then the panic kicks in and I worry about surviving. Just basic physical survival.
I am so lucky to finally understand why I have experienced crashes and to have some new tools to stave off future occurrences. After each crash it feels as though a new life begins. In the past, shame and fear have closed doors through relocation or by simply disconnecting with anything and anyone associated with the crash. All the old is cast off and new is acquired. I have no lifelong friends, there are no connections to family members, and the only person I have wanted to remain in my life is my son. The process of starting over is time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. And exhaustion leads to...
This time the toolbox is open, my new true friends are standing by, and I'm wearing my helmet.
Other terms are used, but "crash" best describes my experience. Life is just too much, all circuits overload, the will to push on disappears, and I find myself on the floor unable to move forward. Just unable to move. Then the "why bother" thoughts enter my head and I look for a quick exit. When that fails, I update myself to the next version. I am currently version 1.8.
Prior to each crash I believed that I was doing my best, just being a superhuman good girl. I believed that what I was doing would make a difference and I was taking care of everyone. Then everything stopped. No motion at all. The truth is that I really did do my best for a while. There was no gauge to indicate that the fire and determination were no longer serving as fuel, but instead were destructive elements. No idiot light to indicate that my engine was overheating.
I laid there on the floor while others picked up the pieces and restored order to chaos. While on the floor, I could see no future, felt no energy, lacked the ability to continue forward, and then acted on that lack of vision.
"No" has become part of my vocabulary, but it is not used often enough. I see myself heading in an unhealthy direction and start applying "no" as needed. At least for a while. Then the panic kicks in and I worry about surviving. Just basic physical survival.
I am so lucky to finally understand why I have experienced crashes and to have some new tools to stave off future occurrences. After each crash it feels as though a new life begins. In the past, shame and fear have closed doors through relocation or by simply disconnecting with anything and anyone associated with the crash. All the old is cast off and new is acquired. I have no lifelong friends, there are no connections to family members, and the only person I have wanted to remain in my life is my son. The process of starting over is time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. And exhaustion leads to...
This time the toolbox is open, my new true friends are standing by, and I'm wearing my helmet.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence
Financial concerns are my current worry. I am trying very hard to not feel overwhelmed. But it's very, very difficult.
I like the work I am doing, recognize that it's probably one of the best fitting jobs I could have (short shifts, low stress, variety, lovely clients, emotionally and intellectually rewarding), but the pay is low and I'm having trouble meeting my monthly obligations. Tackling the credit card debt seems out of reach, but I can do things to reduce my current living expenses.
One of the options on the table is finding a less expensive place to live. I love where I'm living, but I'm certainly not making the most of the amenities here. The landlord is accepting the rent in two payments -- I don't want to continue that practice. I don't want to surrender my autonomy! I sent a notice to my church mailing list expressing my desire to find other housing. So far one possibility has surfaced.
My ideal living space has a buffer separating me from the hustle, bustle, and noise of the outside world. I do not want another apartment. The new space will provide me with the peace and quiet I need to regroup and prepare myself to go out into the world for work and to be with friends. It must be my sanctuary. I have always needed this type of setting, but since my diagnosis, I understand why it is so important to me.
I could cancel my internet service, but I have become so dependent upon it. Paying my bills on line, receiving email notifications, and having the ability to look at my daily bank balance have helped me avoid the financial chaos that I used to experience. I am able to make a little money writing web content. There is connection to others who share a similar life -- I never feel completely alone. I don't see myself functioning very well at a public location that offers free wifi.
All my other expenses have been pared down as much as possible. My ten year old car is beginning to need repairs and I need to take better care of it. Without my car, I would not be able to keep my job. My grocery budget is almost dangerously low. My eating habits do not support good mental or physical health. I've stretched meds as far as I dare and this expense will increase since I've decided that this has to be top priority.
Retaining my independence provides me an oasis from a world that drains me.
I like the work I am doing, recognize that it's probably one of the best fitting jobs I could have (short shifts, low stress, variety, lovely clients, emotionally and intellectually rewarding), but the pay is low and I'm having trouble meeting my monthly obligations. Tackling the credit card debt seems out of reach, but I can do things to reduce my current living expenses.
One of the options on the table is finding a less expensive place to live. I love where I'm living, but I'm certainly not making the most of the amenities here. The landlord is accepting the rent in two payments -- I don't want to continue that practice. I don't want to surrender my autonomy! I sent a notice to my church mailing list expressing my desire to find other housing. So far one possibility has surfaced.
My ideal living space has a buffer separating me from the hustle, bustle, and noise of the outside world. I do not want another apartment. The new space will provide me with the peace and quiet I need to regroup and prepare myself to go out into the world for work and to be with friends. It must be my sanctuary. I have always needed this type of setting, but since my diagnosis, I understand why it is so important to me.
I could cancel my internet service, but I have become so dependent upon it. Paying my bills on line, receiving email notifications, and having the ability to look at my daily bank balance have helped me avoid the financial chaos that I used to experience. I am able to make a little money writing web content. There is connection to others who share a similar life -- I never feel completely alone. I don't see myself functioning very well at a public location that offers free wifi.
All my other expenses have been pared down as much as possible. My ten year old car is beginning to need repairs and I need to take better care of it. Without my car, I would not be able to keep my job. My grocery budget is almost dangerously low. My eating habits do not support good mental or physical health. I've stretched meds as far as I dare and this expense will increase since I've decided that this has to be top priority.
Retaining my independence provides me an oasis from a world that drains me.
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