I am STRONG!

Wow. This may be hypomania speaking (haven't been charting my moods for the past few weeks), but I do believe I'm experiencing a larger change.

The earliest I remember being happy was age 3. I remember little moments of happiness after that, but pretty much everything from 5 on was characterized by a sense of resignation, hopelessness, being a captive of my parents, being responsible for my mother and sister, and receiving that responsibility from my father.

I've been remembering little things about my father lately. No more anger on my part. Just little memories -- sharpening his hunting knife with a whetstone, chasing off a king snake with a stick, his protectiveness toward small animals.

Learning my diagnosis and taking meds has not only been life changing, it's been life restoring. I'm feeling pieces emerging of the girl who wanted to be a cowgirl like Dale Evans (feminine and adventurous) or a pioneer like Amelia Earhart (taking on new challenges and being fearless), or gentle, nurturing, creative, and independent like my grandmother.

Wow. Can't wait to see how I apply this feeling of strength!

New Year's Blues

Yep, I think I've got them. I Googled the phrase just to see what would come up. Now I know that I'm not alone.

But I think I'm developing New Year's ANGER and FRUSTRATION. Conversations I've had in the past year keep coming to mind.

There are three things that I have grown used to having in my life: low income, health problems, and being alone (not necessarily loneliness). I AM TIRED OF HAVING THESE THINGS IN MY LIFE!

No resolutions will be made at the new year, but I will begin welcoming these things into my life (without harm coming to anyone else and for the best good of all concerned): prosperity, good health, and the company of other people in the form of good friendships and a committed relationship with a good man.

I no longer have Christmas spirit so the few decorations I have will be going to Goodwill. Next December I will celebrate Winter Solstice. That celebration may be low key and personal. My son may come for dinner on December 25, but I am abandoning all other traditions.

January 1 will be spent in contemplating the upcoming year and setting intentions, not setting goals that are unreachable. Although I always wish that I will spend New Year's Eve with someone special, the truth is that it's not likely to happen; after 12 years I have little hope.

I won't wait until January 1. I embrace prosperity, good health, friendships, and the love of a good man who wants to build a life with me.

I'll take my meds, use my GLAD light, and continue to take other steps to move toward the life I want and I deserve.

Wow! Good for me!

ADDENDUM: 12/30 - Since writing this I was offered a chance to work a short shift on New Years Day. The pay is special rate (77% increase) plus overtime. I'm considering this the first sign of the prosperity that is in my life.

I also had a good chat with a friend and she validated many of the ideas that have been churning in my mind. I'm considering this the first sign of the true friendships that are in my life.

Can't wait to see what happens next!

Trigger Four Identified: Break in Routine

I've been fortunate in that I've been able to get at least 40 hours of work for two weeks. However, I've not been taking my meds as prescribed, but I'm only feeling a little down. Physically, the increased hours have taken their toll and I'm worn out when I get home. Then add in a series of cold, rainy days. Add in a pinch of a failed attempt at having a joyful Christmas. The final product isn't good. It can be salvaged.

Even though the sky is not falling at the moment, I do recognize that even small changes in routine are having a large impact. Not only am I not doing a good job of taking my meds, I'm also not doing a particularly good job at work. I have failed to follow through on routine tasks like clocking in on time. I have failed to be assertive with my clients and have bought into their anxiety instead of being the calm presence that they need. I have been resentful of the financial freedom of one client and the independence of another client. If I were working a 9 to 5 job, I'd be asking for a day off at this point. But I'm not and circumstances right now dictate that I work as much as possible so that I can pay basic living expenses.

I've lost perspective. I'll get it back.

Trigger Three Identified: Fatigue

I've been working hard and I've got the bruises, aches, and pains to prove it. I'm tired when I get home and I've messed up my sleep cycle by falling asleep early and waking up at odd hours of the night.

I'm also not taking my night meds regularly. I've heard my name a few times while working with my most challenging client. That's quite a barometer, but I have other ways to signal myself when I am experiencing too much stress. It seems to coincide with missing more than two doses in a row. Now that I'm back to sleeping in my bed (HOORAY!), I will move my evening mediset to my nightstand (next to where I place my glasses), put a reminder on my white board, and, since I'm reading in bed again, a nudging bookmark might be another good idea.

I haven't been using Moodscope lately either.

The positive things I'm doing for myself are eating nutritious food, only exceeding my caffeine limit a couple of days a week, and staying active (mostly through my job). I actually called a friend to share something I was happy about and we giggled like two schoolgirls, then trusted each other to allow expressions of concern about the things that we had shared.

I feel like such a silly old woman and that's a nice feeling.

Trigger Two Identified: Sickness

I've come full circle here. I hit crisis mode when I was sick and, now that I am again dealing with a cold or some sort of annoying bug, I'm realizing the impact of even a small change in health.

In contrast to last time that I felt ill, I have been taking a multi-symptom (without alcohol) cold/flu medicine. It hasn't caused any conflict with my meds and, because it helps relieve headache and congestion, it helps me avoid fuzzy thinking. I have had fewer instances of missing or delaying my meds. Adequate rest also promotes better self-care.

The lesson for me is that some things that I suspect are not good for me can actually be helpful in moderation. I have to be willing to safely explore all options for keeping myself healthy and to consult with my caregivers when I need guidance. My view needs to be more holistic, not locked into a separation of mind and body health. When I do X, my life is better. When I do Y, my life is not better. Those are the limits I will aim to place on my view of well-being.

Because I am on a very low dose of my meds, it is more important to take them every day. If I had an automobile that only had a two gallon gas tank, I would need to refuel daily in order to meet my daily transportation needs. Why have I been expecting to maintain good health with less than the full amount of fuel needed to lead a full life?

I think I've successfully hung up my super woman cape.