90+%

I went over to a friend's house to discuss a project and realized that I'm probably at 90% of my average (since diagnosis). I laughed some, was kind of subdued, and even though the conversation went in directions that would have caused tears a few days ago, I was okay. I had coffee today without a negative impact.

Not judgmental, not gloomy, just a bit subdued.

Yep, I can handle that.

So much for sleeping

I decided against the Lunesta because I thought I could sleep well without it. And I did. But now I'm awake and a little agitated. Which is why I am writing again.

I'm headed uphill. There's still some pain that I can't identify, but I trust that will pass and I will eventually understand it. Up and down is how my life has been and how it will be. Maybe I've jumped in with two feet instead of wading in. Tonight no part of my life feels right. I'll examine it later this week and figure out what I can change or even whether or not anything does need to change. But I suspect that the answer will be that more is right than wrong. At least I'm not crying or experiencing racing thoughts (hmm...this paragraph seems to be the product of racing thoughts).

And the truth is that if I quit taking care of myself and don't take my meds consistently, I'll find myself back in a hole. I owe it to myself to take good care of myself.

I've moved from weepy today to almost analytical. Dehydration? There's pain, but I know it will pass and it's not as deep as it was a few days ago. The support of friends has helped reduce this rough spell and helped me step back to gain perspective.

To end on a South Pacific note, I'll sing part of the chorus of "Happy Talk": "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true."

Dreams: This looks like another way to use my white board.

Silly Unitarians

I went to church today and I felt so-so. I had to leave once but only stayed out 10-15 minutes. This was our annual Halloween themed service and many of the congregants were in costume. The service featured survivors of the apocalypse and the characters were mixed between serious and silly. And I got a hug from the minister. All in all, not a bad Sunday.

One of the reasons that I visited this church was that on its homepage is a sentence including the word "JOY" in large friendly letters. Eureka!

I have found a home there and my support group are all members there. And they can be serious, passionate, and absolutely Marx Brothers silly. Did you know that every season of 30 Rock has a joke about Unitarians?

My kind of place.

I'm okay today. I missed my meds this morning, got lightheaded in church because I had forgotten to eat, but everything has been corrected. I've been trying to watch a documentary on Mark Twain and I started reading Volume 1 of Twain's autobiography. I've always been a fan and I think that's because of his struggle with depression. But I'm going to find something lighter to read.

My son came over yesterday and cleaned my kitchen while I tackled my living room floor. I am constantly being surprised and awed by him.

Tonight I will treat myself gently and find something light to read. I'll start the new week refreshed and willing to embrace better days.

Tears Again

I am having another long cry. Not sure exactly why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that tomorrow will be the first time I'll be seeing most of the people I asked for support. I'm a little nervous. And ashamed.

I've heard from all but one. And I'm feeling hurt that I haven't heard from him. Silly of me. I've been there for him and I'm doubting that he'll return the gesture. I can't control how someone feels about me. And I need to quit imagining the worst. I am questioning why I give comfort before I receive (which is how it feels although it's probably not true) although that just seems to be something I've done forever. Appearing open when I actually feel closed -- locked safely away. I'm believing that no one will be there for me, despite the friends that have reached out, because I used to take care of my mother and my sister and I grew used to never expecting anyone to take care of me -- or not believing that I am worthy of anyone's attention or love or respect or any of those good things. Damn. I hurt.

I'm not going to stuff my feelings. I'll concentrate on my breathing in order to get through the service. Tomorrow's is supposed to be uplifting and fun. Sometimes that makes it worse because I don't exactly feel like laughing just yet.

I am hurting so I will let the tears flow while I am safely at home. Maybe that will exhaust the supply before tomorrow.

Damn fears and loneliness and groundless or grounded worries and other things. I need to quit anticipating the actions of others, stay open, and stay true to myself.

Tonight I am hurting. I'll let myself cry. I'll take a long shower. I'll take my meds. I'll take a Lunesta if I can't sleep. I'll keep breathing in and out. I'll find something to distract me. Damn.

Half a cup

Today I feel strong enough to risk having coffee, although it might be the cause of my hands shaking. Half a cup with sugar (I usually take it black) and I know that's not a good combination. But I am feeling more focused.

Took my meds. My son is coming over. I am working on my freelance project although I'm frustrated at my typing. So far so good. No negative thoughts right now, but I still feel vulnerable, like it wouldn't take much to partially lose the ground I've gained.

I called my sister this morning and left a message for her to call me back. I'm going to get our cousin's number (who's been like a big sister to me) so I can give her some love while she deals with her mother's death.

I'll go to church tomorrow. I think I'll be okay. But I may start crying because people are being nice to me. I need to be more accepting of the kindness of others. It is normal for me to offer kindness to someone I see who is hurting. I need to give myself that same kindness.

Trying to understand triggers

It's typical NW fall weather -- rainy and cool. Gloomy.

I know I took my meds this morning, but I don't think I ate breakfast, I know I didn't eat lunch, and I've only eaten some jello that my client offered me. I need to remedy that situation, but I don't want to eat -- no appetite, no interest whatsoever. And I know that I didn't turn on the SAD (got to rename that!)light this morning.

I'm glad that my son is coming over. He understands these dark times because he has also experienced them. My father committed suicide in October of 1999. That just adds to my seasonal gloom. I made a rescue run for my son last year about this time because he was hurting. We drove around for a few hours and he talked until he felt able to go back home. I know his visit will do me good. I hope that he is not also having a hard time.

I ache. My client was listening to classical music when I arrived and the sound of the violins triggered something. It was all I could do to keep from crying. When I went to fetch something for her there was a string quartet performing in the next room. Again, it felt like my heart was being ripped out. I don't know why it had that effect. Red River Valley makes me start sobbing and I have no idea what that is associated with either.

So I'm doing kinda better overall with mood (I think that's true), but I'm not taking care of my physical needs. I have a freelance project that I need to work on (I could really use the money, too), but I need to wait until I've released some of the hurt before I attempt any task that needs my concentration.

Tomorrow I should go work out. We'll see.

Wide awake at 3 am

Took my night med and quickly fell asleep. But I haven't slept enough for me to function properly. But did come up with a screen name that I like and which doesn't seem to be taken.

Having a cup of sleepytime tea to hopefully help me get a few more hours rest. My brain needs that extra rest if I'm to get back to my "normal".

Looking forward to today.

NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Opening Up

I have shared this blog with two of the friends that I went to for support. I feel naked. It has been years since I've let anyone in this much. I need to stay open with the people I've allowed into my life. I'll work on it.

I worked today and that helped lift my mood. I realized a few weeks ago that my client physically reminds me of my mother and her behavior, sense of humor, and good nature remind me of the mother I wish I had. I am helping her and she is helping me. Although Angels aren't allowed to talk about their personal lives, we have shared things about our families and found common ground in the books we've read, the places we've traveled to, and our general outlook on life. Today she showed me how to start a bonsai tree!

I bought some groceries -- the cupboard had been pretty bare because I didn't want to eat anything, had no appetite at all. Not even for chocolate.

I took my meds this morning, didn't eat breakfast, checked in with a friend, went to work and tried to bring light to my client. I love to hear her laugh!

I've been camping on my couch for months now. My goal for this weekend is to get back in my bed!

My son is coming over tomorrow and he's always full of news, nonsense, and plain old silliness. I'm looking forward to it.

Overall, not a bad day, but still not back where I was. Tomorrow should be better.

A half step backward -- or so it feels

I did some good things for myself today.  I quit sitting in the dark and turned on the lights in my apartment.  I took my meds.  I met a friend for hot beverages and discovered delicious Mayan hot chocolate.  In an effort to avoid isolating, I went to my church's weekly community dinner and sat at a table with friends.  I mostly just picked at my food.  I felt alone.  And that's when the tears started.

I'm not sure why or if there was any trigger at all.  I just said goodnight and scooted out to my car where I sat and let the tears fall for awhile.

Now that I'm home I won't fight the crying for awhile.  I'll see what I can do to remind myself of the positive and let what happens happen.  And I'll re-read the positive messages I've received.

But right now I am hurting.

Another step forward

I had hot beverages with a friend yesterday (notice that it wasn't coffee no matter how much I craved it).  She's the friend I can always giggle with.  No matter how serious our conversation, we always end up in giggles.  She expressed her support, brought me a lovely crocheted angel, and shared ideas that she thought would help.

I worked on watching the train go by yesterday -- my term for one of the DBT techniques.  Detaching myself from everything else happening and just being in now -- just not taking it all personally.  It helped keep negative thoughts at bay.

I analyzed my expenses yesterday and was objective.  I identified purchases that I didn't need to make and that really did not add to my life.  Nice proactive move on my part.

I have another day of meds under my belt.  I've set an alarm on my cell phone to prompt me to take my meds.  It worked today and last night.  Now I have a visual reminder - the mediset on or beside the computer -- and I've added sound.  That feels like another step in the right direction.

Emails from my doctor and other friends were also received yesterday and I feel blessed to have these wonderful people in my life.  And I told them so.

Today I work and I will put my feelings in a little unlocked silver box so that I can bring light to my client.
I will take another positive step toward getting myself back to where I want to be after I get back home.

I am proud of myself today

I emailed some friends and came out to them, explaining that I am having a hard time right now.

I am proud of myself for taking this very hard step.  I am also proud of myself for being friends with such a wonderful group of people.

2 good things

I have good intentions today.  I am meeting one of the friends for coffee (definitely decaf!) and I will take my meds as soon as I've had breakfast -- which is about to get started.

I plan to empty my dining table and use the top to sort through the papers that have accumulated on the top of my desk.

2 good intentions

I'm not feeling self-destructive today.  Although I might have acted that way yesterday by coming out to friends.  I guess I will learn more about my friends this way or they will distance themselves from me.

I will work on not having expectations of the actions of others.  Stay in now.

I will review the DBT material I received in the hospital and read some of the helpful books (my owners manuals) that have seen me through previous episodes.  I'll use my white boards -- all of them.

Coming out and asking for support

I've been weepy the past two days and having a hard time getting back on track.  I have 2 days of being back on meds under my belt so I know that I'm headed in the right direction.  I am isolating and my job isn't the sort that will allow supportive friendships.  I'm not eating properly, not sleeping properly, and just started using the SAD light again.

I went to church this morning because I knew it would be good for me and I needed to feel that sense of community.  But I left the service because I couldn't stop crying.

I need some support and I recognize that.  I will email a few friends and let them know what is happening with me and ask for their support.

And my aunt died this morning.

Taking care of myself today means I trust other people (never been my strong suit), ask them for support, and ask that they check in with me during this week.

We Know What We Need

I came across this article in today's New York Times about a woman with schizoaffective disorder, how she takes care of herself, and what her doctor has learned from her.  It's worth reading.  It's part of a series on mental illness called "Lives Restored."

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/health/23lives.html?partner=rss&emc=rss&src=ig

On some level, I believe all of us with BP2 know what we need.  I can only speak for myself, but from conversations with others who are dueling with depression, it seems that sometimes all we need is permission from ourselves to put ourselves first.  And to end the duel and embrace everything about ourselves.

I am in my typical autumn slump exacerbated by my current financial situation, my aunt died today, and I went through debt counseling yesterday (the advice was to see an attorney).  Things suck.  But I've been through worse and I know that I always find a way to get back up.  I am grateful that I have a doctor who wants me to email her, I have my meds, I'm taking care of my basic needs, and I am a member of two communities (my church and a women's fitness center -- I barter for my membership) who will help lift me up and allow me to lift up others when they are in need.

Germs vs Meds

I have the crud.  I remembered my meds this morning, but really, really wish I could feel safe to use one of those nice, warming, soothing, relaxing, multi-symptom cold/flu jewel toned liquids that would at least put me out of my misery for a bit.  Staying out of the way of my meds is more important than my physical discomfort.  But that's the least of my whines today.

What I really hate is that when I'm not feeling well the "well, you know there's a way to end all of this" thoughts come up very quickly.  It's a battle.

My old worries come back to haunt me.  I'll die alone in this apartment and no one will even know until the coyotes start scratching at my door. (Yes, there have been some spotted in the neighborhood.  An official announcement from the property manager was taped to my front door yesterday.  It's a known fact that property managers take an oath to always be truthful to their tenants; ergo, the pack of wild coyotes are roaming the property, crouched behind dumpsters, waiting under the stairs... wait, I live under the stairs...watching for me to make one foolish move.) I'll become even less competent at handling my own affairs and end up broke living in the woods waiting for the coyotes to come put me out of my misery.  I'll have to sell my car for a fraction of what's it's worth in order to pay for a place to rent, but I won't get enough for it and end up broke in the woods...coyotes.  The trend is clear.

I'm trying everything today to reach and maintain equilibrium.  It's hard.  I used to think that at my core was a mad woman.  Now, I think that at my core is a calm, pragmatic woman who trusts herself to make right decisions and take positive actions.  Sometimes it's just harder for her to surface.

Just in case.... www.google.com: urban coyote attacks of middle aged crazy women zoloft kills coyotes?

It's All My Fault

As I've heard in the past, it's all my fault.  I'm too sensitive.  I worry too much.  I am not capable of doing the things I wish to do.  No one loves me.  That includes the dog.

Yes, I'm still not taking my meds properly. My work schedule has not gelled yet and my mind is jello.  I don't have a dog, so that negative message is one I can easily dismiss.  But I bet that no dog would come near me. Not even to bite me.

Stinking thinking.

My apartment will never be clean and organized.  It reflects my state of mind right now.  Sort of jumbled.  Similar objects not grouped together.

Because I've been exhausted after work, I've missed working out for a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure if that's an excuse or the truth.  I'm not trusting myself very much.

The one thing I can be certain of is that these feelings will pass.  I'll do a better job of taking my meds at the proper times.  I'll make a date with myself on my calendar to work out.  And I won't check it off unless I've actually done it.  Ok, I give myself a 50% chance of really doing that.  And start using my SAD light again.

I'm better now, even though I'm in a low part of my cycle, than I have ever been in my life.  Because I know now.  I have tools that work.  I know how to work at keeping myself safe and being realistic about changes.

The blessing of having this diagnosis is knowing that the ride up and down the scale will always be there.  Now that I'm on meds, I don't have to worry about spending YEARS in this low place.  It will pass.

So today I will take care of myself.  Watch a funny DVD.  Play an online game that I can win.    Spend at least 15 minutes creating order from chaos.  Eat. Take my evening meds and get a good night's sleep.