My mind's not broken, but it sure feels stressed. My body is not providing the support needed to keep the cogs well oiled. It's just a little off and I can't nudge it where I want it to go. I would like to visit normal for a while, just a little while. I'm weary.
I have decisions to make, but I hide under the covers rationalizing that if I get more rest, all will be well. Just postponed until I have to jump or be pushed in a direction not of my choosing.
Overwhelmed. Insufficiently medicated...I miss the thyroid medication! Unwilling to commit. Unwilling to trust my own instincts. Wanting to stay inside. Putting on my work face so I can make some money, then putting it in my pocket until it is next needed. My real face feels long, stretching down to the ground, in danger of being tread upon. I don't care if you tread on me! I just don't care right now! I just want to be someplace safe where I can step outside the world for a bit! If I had money, I'd take a vacation, if my workaholic ways permitted. If I allowed myself to feel joy.
This isn't holiday stress/melancholy/blues. This is a different size and a different flavor. I liberated myself from celebrating holidays I no longer wish to acknowledge. There is no pressure, no stress, no drive to create a perfect memory of a perfect day.
Nothing tastes good. Nothing is funny. The outfit I liked no longer appeals to me. The book I was reading has been cast aside. I no longer have a crush. I don't care about taking care of myself right now.
There are a dozen things that I need to finish or start. I don't care. If I had a traditional job, I'd call in with a "flu thing" and hide under the covers a bit longer.
But I drag myself out every day, put on my work face, do what has to be done, then put the work face away. And then crawl back under the covers and pray that this ache will end.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
And there's quicksand at the bottom of the hole
It's pretty clear from the title of this post that I'm not in a celebratory mood nor feel like giving thanks for anything. This year I am alone -- my son no longer lives in the same town, extended family is on the other side of the country, and friends have their own families or friends with whom they have a tradition of sharing Thanksgiving day. Kinda feeling on the outskirts here, but don't really mind all that much.
So I lie to people about how I spent the holiday. "I wasn't alone. I spent the day with some friends." And my nose grows longer with each telling.
I worked part of the day and was on call for the remainder. There is a sad, sad couple who both have dementia and some physical limitations. Thursday morning I helped them get their day started and put together a nice meal for them. They were grateful and that made me feel good, but the holiday pay rate was my focus. Just a mean old mercenary. But that attitude protected me from feeding the depression monster inside me.
At church today we had a guest minister who told a series of anecdotes involving people who learned they were terminally ill and how they died. ARGH!!!!!! I think the point was that we all benefit from living in a state of mindfulness, but I couldn't wait for the sermon to end so that I could give thanks that it was over and run out of the building as fast as possible!
I made the decision to eliminate a significant amount of stress by finding a less expensive place to live. Fortunately, I connected with another woman who lives alone and who has a room that I can rent. I don't know which makes me feel saddest -- the fact that I really can't afford to keep my apartment or the fact that the best I can do is rent a room. I think I mourn both. My friends say that things could be much worse. I know that. I would love to have someone acknowledge the fact that I am experiencing a loss. I am once again shedding belongings. I feel like I am losing my autonomy.
So I fell into this hole. The sides are slippery and water trickles down. It's miles deep, unlit, and there isn't even an echo in here. And there's quicksand at the bottom of the hole.
Plan of action: use the GLAD light, take my meds, blog, go to NAMI support group, find some seriously dark chocolate (medicinal)and mindfully stuff my face!
So I lie to people about how I spent the holiday. "I wasn't alone. I spent the day with some friends." And my nose grows longer with each telling.
I worked part of the day and was on call for the remainder. There is a sad, sad couple who both have dementia and some physical limitations. Thursday morning I helped them get their day started and put together a nice meal for them. They were grateful and that made me feel good, but the holiday pay rate was my focus. Just a mean old mercenary. But that attitude protected me from feeding the depression monster inside me.
At church today we had a guest minister who told a series of anecdotes involving people who learned they were terminally ill and how they died. ARGH!!!!!! I think the point was that we all benefit from living in a state of mindfulness, but I couldn't wait for the sermon to end so that I could give thanks that it was over and run out of the building as fast as possible!
I made the decision to eliminate a significant amount of stress by finding a less expensive place to live. Fortunately, I connected with another woman who lives alone and who has a room that I can rent. I don't know which makes me feel saddest -- the fact that I really can't afford to keep my apartment or the fact that the best I can do is rent a room. I think I mourn both. My friends say that things could be much worse. I know that. I would love to have someone acknowledge the fact that I am experiencing a loss. I am once again shedding belongings. I feel like I am losing my autonomy.
So I fell into this hole. The sides are slippery and water trickles down. It's miles deep, unlit, and there isn't even an echo in here. And there's quicksand at the bottom of the hole.
Plan of action: use the GLAD light, take my meds, blog, go to NAMI support group, find some seriously dark chocolate (medicinal)and mindfully stuff my face!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Anxiety Attack, Seroquel, Going Forward
It's been a long time since I've had an anxiety attack. Today's episode was clearly the result of my aversion to visiting one of my clients. I don't like him. I hate going to his house. I would really like to ask that I be reassigned to someone else. But I don't speak up. I'm afraid of not being called for available assignments if I ask to be released from this one.
In a very short period of time I went from thinking about how much I dreaded going to his house to throwing up. Then more nausea. Throwing up again. More nausea. Finally calling the office to ask to reschedule. Permission granted. Now I am calm, no nausea, just slightly shaken.
I've been going through a little rough spell brought on by reverting to my old workaholic habits. Yet I acknowledge that I really need to cut back on the hours that I work. I can't sustain a 40+ hour work week. I've started the process of obtaining help from the government.
Voices and paranoia came back briefly. I asked for help and am now taking Seroquel. It's a lovely fit for me and I have rested so well -- refreshing, deep sleep. Bad stuff now gone.
I am working out the details of a new living arrangement. I advertised through my church newsletter and a member's friend responded. It looks like I will soon be living in one end of a large mobile home. The owner and I got along and I think, personality wise, this could work. She was upfront about a health issue that she has and how she welcomed having a caregiver in her home. I told her about riding the roller coaster; she didn't hesitate. Her sister shares the diagnosis. As long as I take my meds, I'm welcome to live in her home. The challenge for me is just living with someone else (other than my son). I've told her I need my alone time, that I spend a good deal of time sleeping, and that I'll be respectful. Her only concern was how we might handle having an overnight guest! How I'd love to have a man in my bed! I think this will work and the savings for me are significant. But I wonder how well I'll adjust.
I love the NAMI support group! It's so nice to not feel alone any more. It's a pleasant surprise to discover that a member of the group also attends my church!
Next challenge: Purging my stuff and not creating chaos in my new environment.
In a very short period of time I went from thinking about how much I dreaded going to his house to throwing up. Then more nausea. Throwing up again. More nausea. Finally calling the office to ask to reschedule. Permission granted. Now I am calm, no nausea, just slightly shaken.
I've been going through a little rough spell brought on by reverting to my old workaholic habits. Yet I acknowledge that I really need to cut back on the hours that I work. I can't sustain a 40+ hour work week. I've started the process of obtaining help from the government.
Voices and paranoia came back briefly. I asked for help and am now taking Seroquel. It's a lovely fit for me and I have rested so well -- refreshing, deep sleep. Bad stuff now gone.
I am working out the details of a new living arrangement. I advertised through my church newsletter and a member's friend responded. It looks like I will soon be living in one end of a large mobile home. The owner and I got along and I think, personality wise, this could work. She was upfront about a health issue that she has and how she welcomed having a caregiver in her home. I told her about riding the roller coaster; she didn't hesitate. Her sister shares the diagnosis. As long as I take my meds, I'm welcome to live in her home. The challenge for me is just living with someone else (other than my son). I've told her I need my alone time, that I spend a good deal of time sleeping, and that I'll be respectful. Her only concern was how we might handle having an overnight guest! How I'd love to have a man in my bed! I think this will work and the savings for me are significant. But I wonder how well I'll adjust.
I love the NAMI support group! It's so nice to not feel alone any more. It's a pleasant surprise to discover that a member of the group also attends my church!
Next challenge: Purging my stuff and not creating chaos in my new environment.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Recreating Myself?
It was way overdue. I finally made the appointment to see the medical professional who arrives at the magical mixture of pills that assists in my management of my silly brain.
What we talked about has shattered my self image. I'm contemplating life changes that feel foreign to me. Control. I think I would have to surrender control.
Hi. I'm a workaholic and I've been in overdrive lately, especially the past two weeks. Last week I worked 76 hours; 48 of those were 12-hour shifts on consecutive nights. To this was added my usual 4 hour shifts and some odd hours here and there. This week I worked 60 hours; 24 of those were 12-hour shifts on consecutive nights. The frightening part is that I'm physically tired, but feeling a little high, too. It's hard to determine if my willingness to work so much was tied to my fear of not surviving or tied to the high that comes from pushing myself. From past experience, I know that this behavior results in a crash-and-burn -- what my prescriber called a psychotic break.
Prior to this work binge I was already experiencing paranoia and hearing voices. I have arrived at a few ways of lessening the impact of these symptoms -- reminding myself that without evidence in support of negative "talk" that I hear, the voices are not real. It keeps the anxiety down, but is exhausting. Besides, by the time I am experiencing the symptoms, I'm past the point where I should have asked for help.
The Zyprexa has helped in the past. Although the sleep is deep and cleansing, it feels like it takes forever to fully awaken. The language issues (the wrong words keep coming out of my mouth -- like "mouse" for "mouth")are not very helpful when working with my clients.
So we begin trying out new drugs. And scheduling enough sleep time to allow them to work.
Meanwhile, I've had to admit that the maximum time that I can work without feeling overwhelmed is a mere four hours. If I have a break of several hours, I can work another shift without problems. The trouble is that I've accepted consecutive shifts where there has only been 30 - 45 minute breaks and those were for travel.
Working 4 hours a day, or possibly a few hours more, means that I can't support myself. Tomorrow I begin knocking on doors. I go to agencies that can help me explore housing options, medical care options, and the possibility of disability.
"Disabled" is not a term I'm comfortable applying to myself. No matter how difficult life has been, I've always been able to get through tough times. Of course, then I collapse. I've always taken care of myself and others. Well, maybe taken care of others more than myself. Taken care of others at the expense of my own wellbeing.
Time to re-examine my core self. Who am I? What are my goals? What are realistic expectations? Is it realistic to expect to have a life of prosperity, filled with true friends, good health, and love (my declaration of New Year's Day)? What is a realistic housing situation for me? Must I always be alone?
Pondering.
What we talked about has shattered my self image. I'm contemplating life changes that feel foreign to me. Control. I think I would have to surrender control.
Hi. I'm a workaholic and I've been in overdrive lately, especially the past two weeks. Last week I worked 76 hours; 48 of those were 12-hour shifts on consecutive nights. To this was added my usual 4 hour shifts and some odd hours here and there. This week I worked 60 hours; 24 of those were 12-hour shifts on consecutive nights. The frightening part is that I'm physically tired, but feeling a little high, too. It's hard to determine if my willingness to work so much was tied to my fear of not surviving or tied to the high that comes from pushing myself. From past experience, I know that this behavior results in a crash-and-burn -- what my prescriber called a psychotic break.
Prior to this work binge I was already experiencing paranoia and hearing voices. I have arrived at a few ways of lessening the impact of these symptoms -- reminding myself that without evidence in support of negative "talk" that I hear, the voices are not real. It keeps the anxiety down, but is exhausting. Besides, by the time I am experiencing the symptoms, I'm past the point where I should have asked for help.
The Zyprexa has helped in the past. Although the sleep is deep and cleansing, it feels like it takes forever to fully awaken. The language issues (the wrong words keep coming out of my mouth -- like "mouse" for "mouth")are not very helpful when working with my clients.
So we begin trying out new drugs. And scheduling enough sleep time to allow them to work.
Meanwhile, I've had to admit that the maximum time that I can work without feeling overwhelmed is a mere four hours. If I have a break of several hours, I can work another shift without problems. The trouble is that I've accepted consecutive shifts where there has only been 30 - 45 minute breaks and those were for travel.
Working 4 hours a day, or possibly a few hours more, means that I can't support myself. Tomorrow I begin knocking on doors. I go to agencies that can help me explore housing options, medical care options, and the possibility of disability.
"Disabled" is not a term I'm comfortable applying to myself. No matter how difficult life has been, I've always been able to get through tough times. Of course, then I collapse. I've always taken care of myself and others. Well, maybe taken care of others more than myself. Taken care of others at the expense of my own wellbeing.
Time to re-examine my core self. Who am I? What are my goals? What are realistic expectations? Is it realistic to expect to have a life of prosperity, filled with true friends, good health, and love (my declaration of New Year's Day)? What is a realistic housing situation for me? Must I always be alone?
Pondering.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Good Week and New Moon
The new moon is the time when I set intentions, not only for the rest of the month, but I also reaffirm intentions that I previously expressed to the universe. It's also a time for reflection and review. I've had a good week!
I met three new clients. It is always an interesting adventure meeting someone new. I have a good attitude about my job!
Today I saw the man I used to have a crush on (note past tense) and we had a quick catch-up conversation, followed by a hug. My heart didn't flutter. Without waiting for him to ask, I shared a few things going on in my life. When he shared, I didn't care if he was telling me the truth or not. I am very pleased with myself -- no words of insanity came out of my mouth, no apologies for any previous behavior, no actions that I may later regret. I am calm, cool, and collected!
There are 5% fewer dirty dishes on my kitchen counter. I am a good housekeeper! (Okay, perhaps I am exclaiming about this a bit prematurely, but I figure any size improvement deserves some applause.)
I went to a meeting of the Depression and Bipolar Support group at the local NAMI chapter. Although it wasn't what I expected in that the group consisted of caregivers, loved ones, and interested parties in addition to those of us living the roller coaster life, it was a good experience. It felt so good to feel safe to be myself. NAMI also provides a weekly peer-to-peer group that I will try this week. I am not alone!
On Friday, my church is having a coffee house. I am putting the finishing touches on a short short story that I plan to share. There are some butterflies in my stomach that are emerging from their cocoons. I am proud of myself for doing a reading when I haven't done one in 30 years!
When I went grocery shopping today, I only placed one chocolate item in my buggy. I purchased healthy food. Next week I plan to drop in at the fitness center that I used to belong to and see if I can barter membership again. I am taking good care of my body! (I failed to mention that the wrapping fell off the chocolate item as I walked through my doorway and that lovely dark chocolate morsel has satisfied this hour's sugar craving.)
I discovered that by taking all of my meds at bedtime, I don't have to worry about the possibility of missing them in the morning. So far, so good. I am taking my meds!
Tonight I will light a candle, read my intentions aloud, and head to bed with sweet thoughts that will become sweet dreams. I will sleep well and have lovely, lovely dreams!
I met three new clients. It is always an interesting adventure meeting someone new. I have a good attitude about my job!
Today I saw the man I used to have a crush on (note past tense) and we had a quick catch-up conversation, followed by a hug. My heart didn't flutter. Without waiting for him to ask, I shared a few things going on in my life. When he shared, I didn't care if he was telling me the truth or not. I am very pleased with myself -- no words of insanity came out of my mouth, no apologies for any previous behavior, no actions that I may later regret. I am calm, cool, and collected!
There are 5% fewer dirty dishes on my kitchen counter. I am a good housekeeper! (Okay, perhaps I am exclaiming about this a bit prematurely, but I figure any size improvement deserves some applause.)
I went to a meeting of the Depression and Bipolar Support group at the local NAMI chapter. Although it wasn't what I expected in that the group consisted of caregivers, loved ones, and interested parties in addition to those of us living the roller coaster life, it was a good experience. It felt so good to feel safe to be myself. NAMI also provides a weekly peer-to-peer group that I will try this week. I am not alone!
On Friday, my church is having a coffee house. I am putting the finishing touches on a short short story that I plan to share. There are some butterflies in my stomach that are emerging from their cocoons. I am proud of myself for doing a reading when I haven't done one in 30 years!
When I went grocery shopping today, I only placed one chocolate item in my buggy. I purchased healthy food. Next week I plan to drop in at the fitness center that I used to belong to and see if I can barter membership again. I am taking good care of my body! (I failed to mention that the wrapping fell off the chocolate item as I walked through my doorway and that lovely dark chocolate morsel has satisfied this hour's sugar craving.)
I discovered that by taking all of my meds at bedtime, I don't have to worry about the possibility of missing them in the morning. So far, so good. I am taking my meds!
Tonight I will light a candle, read my intentions aloud, and head to bed with sweet thoughts that will become sweet dreams. I will sleep well and have lovely, lovely dreams!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Welcome back, Zyprexa!
The evidence that I need to be back on Zyprexa continues to accumulate daily.
Yesterday evening someone knocked at my door, I looked out the peephole and didn't recognize the person. Then I heard them go upstairs and I realized it was my neighbor. When she was outside my door I heard her say something along the lines of "her car is here so she must be here."
Where was I? I was in the dark, being as quiet as possible. To my little mind, the only reason that I could think of that a neighbor would reach out to me would be to complain. Something had to be wrong. Maybe I parked too close to their car (can't happen -- there is a barrier between them). Maybe I've been loud when I come in from work late at night (not likely). Maybe I've been making too much noise down here (HA! I watch tv using closed captioning only, use earphones to listen to clips on my computer, and go into the most remote corner of the apartment when I am talking on the phone). And still I worry about disturbing someone and being forced to move. Or worse. Sheesh
Guess whose car wouldn't start this morning because the interior light had somehow been left on? Yep. I have a good Samaritan neighbor and I am a creature who hides in the dark, slinking away to avoid any possible contact with any other living thing. One of the reasons I remain in this apartment complex is because people are so friendly and helpful. But I am hiding out again. I am not using the common facilities. I am not attending the community events. I am in my cave wondering why no one likes me and how I can make amends for wrongs I've done -- or not done. Amends are always seen as unnecessary by other people and I want to slink away. Yes, I've shown my crazy.
Sunday is the beginning of the church year, the ingathering of my Unitarian family. I don't want to go. I want to hide out. I feel that I have let people down. I haven't been able to tithe. I haven't been able to help with any projects or provide assistance in any way. I don't want to see or be seen by the man I had (still not sure about that tense since I can't get him out of my mind) a crush on -- he's seen my hypomania in action "I haven't seen you in soooo long!(putting my hand in his) I'll save our seats. Hey, I want my hug! (putting my all into my half)" I feel like people are mad at me and there's really no reason. I am amazed when people speak with me, but I shouldn't be surprised. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel like I belong although I have incredible friends there who go out of their way to let me know that they care. I've used the flimsiest of excuses to flake out on a meeting with friends -- the excuses were valid, but I could have pushed myself. I'm ashamed to show my face. They have stood by me when no one else would and I..sheesh.
My father always worked in law enforcement and was subject to changing shifts every few months. At a very early age I learned how to be quiet -- not seen or heard. If I caused a disturbance, if the bear was awakened, I would be punished - spanked with a belt or a switch - hit if I didn't cry and hit if I did. I knew where to hide, knew how to be quiet, and have been spending most of my adult life trying to unlearn those skills that helped me survive. That wasn't paranoia.
Continuing to be fearful is a separate issue and is groundless. Being fearful when there is no evidence that I am in danger or in trouble is sick. I am sick and need my medicine to help me heal.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in late and don't have to work. I have already taken the half tablet (5 mg) of Zyprexa and I'm determined to sleep as long as needed for the drug to work its magic.
Will I be able to continue this? Not sure. It costs so much. Taking it will interfere with being available to work night shifts. I will have to make sure that I have 8 - 12 hours available for sleeping. In a way I will once again feel imprisoned, sentenced to be apart from everyone else because my brain has betrayed me, a prisoner of my meds. But I know that it will help free me from anxiety, worry, fear, terror, the dark thoughts that lead me to seek the dark places.
Yesterday evening someone knocked at my door, I looked out the peephole and didn't recognize the person. Then I heard them go upstairs and I realized it was my neighbor. When she was outside my door I heard her say something along the lines of "her car is here so she must be here."
Where was I? I was in the dark, being as quiet as possible. To my little mind, the only reason that I could think of that a neighbor would reach out to me would be to complain. Something had to be wrong. Maybe I parked too close to their car (can't happen -- there is a barrier between them). Maybe I've been loud when I come in from work late at night (not likely). Maybe I've been making too much noise down here (HA! I watch tv using closed captioning only, use earphones to listen to clips on my computer, and go into the most remote corner of the apartment when I am talking on the phone). And still I worry about disturbing someone and being forced to move. Or worse. Sheesh
Guess whose car wouldn't start this morning because the interior light had somehow been left on? Yep. I have a good Samaritan neighbor and I am a creature who hides in the dark, slinking away to avoid any possible contact with any other living thing. One of the reasons I remain in this apartment complex is because people are so friendly and helpful. But I am hiding out again. I am not using the common facilities. I am not attending the community events. I am in my cave wondering why no one likes me and how I can make amends for wrongs I've done -- or not done. Amends are always seen as unnecessary by other people and I want to slink away. Yes, I've shown my crazy.
Sunday is the beginning of the church year, the ingathering of my Unitarian family. I don't want to go. I want to hide out. I feel that I have let people down. I haven't been able to tithe. I haven't been able to help with any projects or provide assistance in any way. I don't want to see or be seen by the man I had (still not sure about that tense since I can't get him out of my mind) a crush on -- he's seen my hypomania in action "I haven't seen you in soooo long!(putting my hand in his) I'll save our seats. Hey, I want my hug! (putting my all into my half)" I feel like people are mad at me and there's really no reason. I am amazed when people speak with me, but I shouldn't be surprised. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel like I belong although I have incredible friends there who go out of their way to let me know that they care. I've used the flimsiest of excuses to flake out on a meeting with friends -- the excuses were valid, but I could have pushed myself. I'm ashamed to show my face. They have stood by me when no one else would and I..sheesh.
My father always worked in law enforcement and was subject to changing shifts every few months. At a very early age I learned how to be quiet -- not seen or heard. If I caused a disturbance, if the bear was awakened, I would be punished - spanked with a belt or a switch - hit if I didn't cry and hit if I did. I knew where to hide, knew how to be quiet, and have been spending most of my adult life trying to unlearn those skills that helped me survive. That wasn't paranoia.
Continuing to be fearful is a separate issue and is groundless. Being fearful when there is no evidence that I am in danger or in trouble is sick. I am sick and need my medicine to help me heal.
Tomorrow I get to sleep in late and don't have to work. I have already taken the half tablet (5 mg) of Zyprexa and I'm determined to sleep as long as needed for the drug to work its magic.
Will I be able to continue this? Not sure. It costs so much. Taking it will interfere with being available to work night shifts. I will have to make sure that I have 8 - 12 hours available for sleeping. In a way I will once again feel imprisoned, sentenced to be apart from everyone else because my brain has betrayed me, a prisoner of my meds. But I know that it will help free me from anxiety, worry, fear, terror, the dark thoughts that lead me to seek the dark places.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
My brain was vacuumed overnight
Now that it appears possible that I may be able to afford all my meds (just not all in the same month), I am trying to establish a minimum effective dosage. The Zoloft is best every day, the Lamictal works if only taken every other day, and the Zyprexa is the only unknown factor of my magic mind formula.
A couple of nights ago I took a dose of the Zyprexa and slept deeply. I had trouble awakening at my scheduled time, but managed to get up and muddle through the morning. What lovely, satisfying, issue resolving, liberating dreams I had! Such incredible cleansing sleep!
The down side is that it knocks me out and keeps me out for 10 - 12 hours. If I try to cheat myself of those hours of rest, I spend the day in zombie mode.
So frustrating! I am able to maintain employment, but mostly that is due to the fact that I work short shifts and can control the amount of stress to which I'm exposed. I'm almost in workaholic mode; if I'm offered hours, I almost always accept them. It's the only way I can afford meds. I'm in survival mode and that's enough stress.
But I do need that lovely nocturnal cleanse.
A couple of nights ago I took a dose of the Zyprexa and slept deeply. I had trouble awakening at my scheduled time, but managed to get up and muddle through the morning. What lovely, satisfying, issue resolving, liberating dreams I had! Such incredible cleansing sleep!
The down side is that it knocks me out and keeps me out for 10 - 12 hours. If I try to cheat myself of those hours of rest, I spend the day in zombie mode.
So frustrating! I am able to maintain employment, but mostly that is due to the fact that I work short shifts and can control the amount of stress to which I'm exposed. I'm almost in workaholic mode; if I'm offered hours, I almost always accept them. It's the only way I can afford meds. I'm in survival mode and that's enough stress.
But I do need that lovely nocturnal cleanse.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Paranoia, my old friend...
It's time to talk of you again.
Time to get back on the Zyprexa.
I used a client's computer to write a post and didn't think about clearing the browser's history. ARGH!
So I've begun to worry that someone else who may have used the machine (another caregiver perhaps) has discovered my little secret. This being in the closet business is hard to maintain and keeps me on edge. I worry that people who know me will suddenly treat me differently. Fear me. Reject me. Ignore me. Shun me. Close the door and throw away the key. There's nothing I can do.
How do I explain that the day I learned my diagnosis and the day my son was born have been the two happiest days of my life?
How do I say that the medication just smooths out the ragged edges of my personality? That I am only able to leave home every day because I take my meds? That the world is no longer a terrifying place? That those super enthusiastic, pun cracking, mind-going-mile-a-minute, demonstrably affectionate, face lifted up to soak in the light of the sun or the moon, really excited to be here moments are hypomania? That I am only a danger to myself, not to others? That without the meds I will come up with any excuse to stay away from everyone, to stay in the bed, to ignore the phone and email, to sit in a dark corner hugging my knees or curl up as though awaiting a rebirth? That I was sketched in pencil and the best thing that could happen is to be erased?
Things are starting to get better. And I have committed self-sabotage. I thought I was past that.
Time to get back on the Zyprexa.
I used a client's computer to write a post and didn't think about clearing the browser's history. ARGH!
So I've begun to worry that someone else who may have used the machine (another caregiver perhaps) has discovered my little secret. This being in the closet business is hard to maintain and keeps me on edge. I worry that people who know me will suddenly treat me differently. Fear me. Reject me. Ignore me. Shun me. Close the door and throw away the key. There's nothing I can do.
How do I explain that the day I learned my diagnosis and the day my son was born have been the two happiest days of my life?
How do I say that the medication just smooths out the ragged edges of my personality? That I am only able to leave home every day because I take my meds? That the world is no longer a terrifying place? That those super enthusiastic, pun cracking, mind-going-mile-a-minute, demonstrably affectionate, face lifted up to soak in the light of the sun or the moon, really excited to be here moments are hypomania? That I am only a danger to myself, not to others? That without the meds I will come up with any excuse to stay away from everyone, to stay in the bed, to ignore the phone and email, to sit in a dark corner hugging my knees or curl up as though awaiting a rebirth? That I was sketched in pencil and the best thing that could happen is to be erased?
Things are starting to get better. And I have committed self-sabotage. I thought I was past that.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Night Shift Thoughts
Tonight is the first time I have worked an overnight shift. It is not even completely dark outside and I am the only one still awake. There is a motion sensor in my client's room so I will know when his feet hit the floor and can run into the room and assist him in safely standing and in toileting. I've brought a couple of books, have plans to do some work online, and will probably watch a little television. Ideally, I should be napping so that I am conserving my energy for the times when my client will need me. Of course, I will probably be wide awake until 30 minutes before the shift ends.
Thoughts that are running through my head:
I need to quit worrying about future encounters with the man I had a crush on. Just let it go. I have worried that I have been a pest, that I have... I just worry. Stay in now. What's done is done. But I still feel sad. And embarrassed. I am socially inept and have not been faithfully taking my medications. That's a loaded combination. Although I want to send him a birthday greeting, I won't because I don't want to be perceived as a pest.
I need to get back on my meds. Today I purchased two of the three meds that I should be taking. They are now a permanent part of my budget. With the help of the Zoloft and Lamictal, I should get back on an even keel. However, I am having some troubling symptoms and I recognize that I would really benefit from getting back on the Xyprexa. That one little pill would really help lower my level of worry, fear, near-paranoia, and self-doubt. Of course, I need to do other work to support the meds, but there is no denying that my quality of life improves when all three drugs are used.
I want to spend more time with my son. Since I started working seven days a week I have spent very little time in contact with him. I miss him. I'll keep trying to find time for us, but I won't pester him.
I will remind myself that loneliness doesn't have to last forever. Although I've made a couple of good friends, I find that the circumstances of my work lends itself to feeling lonely. Most of my clients are alone. They are glad to see me and I am glad to exchange their trust for my companionship. Professionalism dictates that this should be a one-way exchange. I often find myself feeling lonelier after a visit. I dwell on the fact that so many of us are alone, will end each day alone, will wither and die alone. I see what an important role that community plays in our lives. My work schedule leads to isolation -- tonight's a great example. It feels like more and more we are all moving toward a life of isolation.
I have to take good care of myself. I've had many bad thoughts lately. What's the use in trying? Does anything I do make a bit of difference? How can I escape from this life? I know these thoughts won't last and that the meds will help keep them at bay, but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that these feelings exist. I'm trying to ride them out and remind myself that I will be stronger when this phase passes.
Thoughts that are running through my head:
I need to quit worrying about future encounters with the man I had a crush on. Just let it go. I have worried that I have been a pest, that I have... I just worry. Stay in now. What's done is done. But I still feel sad. And embarrassed. I am socially inept and have not been faithfully taking my medications. That's a loaded combination. Although I want to send him a birthday greeting, I won't because I don't want to be perceived as a pest.
I need to get back on my meds. Today I purchased two of the three meds that I should be taking. They are now a permanent part of my budget. With the help of the Zoloft and Lamictal, I should get back on an even keel. However, I am having some troubling symptoms and I recognize that I would really benefit from getting back on the Xyprexa. That one little pill would really help lower my level of worry, fear, near-paranoia, and self-doubt. Of course, I need to do other work to support the meds, but there is no denying that my quality of life improves when all three drugs are used.
I want to spend more time with my son. Since I started working seven days a week I have spent very little time in contact with him. I miss him. I'll keep trying to find time for us, but I won't pester him.
I will remind myself that loneliness doesn't have to last forever. Although I've made a couple of good friends, I find that the circumstances of my work lends itself to feeling lonely. Most of my clients are alone. They are glad to see me and I am glad to exchange their trust for my companionship. Professionalism dictates that this should be a one-way exchange. I often find myself feeling lonelier after a visit. I dwell on the fact that so many of us are alone, will end each day alone, will wither and die alone. I see what an important role that community plays in our lives. My work schedule leads to isolation -- tonight's a great example. It feels like more and more we are all moving toward a life of isolation.
I have to take good care of myself. I've had many bad thoughts lately. What's the use in trying? Does anything I do make a bit of difference? How can I escape from this life? I know these thoughts won't last and that the meds will help keep them at bay, but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that these feelings exist. I'm trying to ride them out and remind myself that I will be stronger when this phase passes.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
What's my 25 year plan? - Part 1
It occurred to me today that it is likely that I will live into my mid-80's. That's when my grandparents died, my mother is in that range and receiving hospice care, and my aunts and uncle also died during those years.
What's my 25 year plan?
Planning is not my strong suit. When I'm not functioning within a highly structured organization (school, work, etc), I flounder. Heck, I turn to stone. A square stone anchored in the earth, incapable of moving unless acted upon by earthquake force.
I want to flourish, thrive, live life with gusto! As I said on New Year's Day, I am welcoming prosperity, good health, true friendship, and love into my life. Very large welcome mat needed for all of that!
Prosperity is closer. I am working enough hours on a regular basis that I can do budget projections. I know that I need to find a less expensive place to live in order to cut my monthly expenditures. I have credit card debt that I need to deal with, but don't see the possibility of resolving it any time soon. I need to put meds at the top of my expenses. I need to keep finding ways to reduce my gasoline use and still be able to accept work assignments that are offered to me. I need to store something more than ice cubes in my freezer. I've been in tough financial situations before so I feel most capable of doing the necessary work toward achieving prosperity.
Good health is visibly in progress. I've lost 50 pounds as the result of physical labor and consuming less food. Although I'm often tired, I am taking time to rest when my body demands that I sleep. Getting back on meds (taking them as prescribed) is the most important next step that I can take.
True friendships exist in my life for what feels like the first time ever. My friends all appear to accept me just as I am. No one seems to want to change me. This is evidence that I'm allowing access to the right people. I don't hesitate to ask when I am in need, share when I have a cupful of joy, and they understand that I'm just beginning to figure out friendships. This is all new to me and I am so grateful that I finally feel accepted.
Love. I want to be married or in a long term committed relationship with a man who wants me. A man who loves me. I want a home that is our sanctuary. While I don't want to have my whole life revolve around the man of my dreams, I do want both of us to want to give our relationship priority. I don't feel closer to this goal, but I have received some excellent advice on the subject. My older gentlemen, my male clients, have done so much to help me see my good qualities. They sometimes lecture me, but in a way that I feel nurtured and valued. And they all have romantic notions. They tell me that I will know the "right" man when he enters my life and that Mr. Right will recognize me and will not rest until he has captured my heart. That meshes with my "Some Enchanted Evening" perspective. I've become quite pragmatic through the years, but there is still a romantic spark that I hold to tightly. I want to feel that electricity, that connection, that desire to surrender to the magnetism.
Then I remind myself that, until I take better care of myself in every possible way, I won't be able to maintain prosperity, share true friendships, maintain a loving relationship, and be both physically and mentally healthy. I now allow myself to be my best ME.
NEXT CHAPTER: Plotting a course
What's my 25 year plan?
Planning is not my strong suit. When I'm not functioning within a highly structured organization (school, work, etc), I flounder. Heck, I turn to stone. A square stone anchored in the earth, incapable of moving unless acted upon by earthquake force.
I want to flourish, thrive, live life with gusto! As I said on New Year's Day, I am welcoming prosperity, good health, true friendship, and love into my life. Very large welcome mat needed for all of that!
Prosperity is closer. I am working enough hours on a regular basis that I can do budget projections. I know that I need to find a less expensive place to live in order to cut my monthly expenditures. I have credit card debt that I need to deal with, but don't see the possibility of resolving it any time soon. I need to put meds at the top of my expenses. I need to keep finding ways to reduce my gasoline use and still be able to accept work assignments that are offered to me. I need to store something more than ice cubes in my freezer. I've been in tough financial situations before so I feel most capable of doing the necessary work toward achieving prosperity.
Good health is visibly in progress. I've lost 50 pounds as the result of physical labor and consuming less food. Although I'm often tired, I am taking time to rest when my body demands that I sleep. Getting back on meds (taking them as prescribed) is the most important next step that I can take.
True friendships exist in my life for what feels like the first time ever. My friends all appear to accept me just as I am. No one seems to want to change me. This is evidence that I'm allowing access to the right people. I don't hesitate to ask when I am in need, share when I have a cupful of joy, and they understand that I'm just beginning to figure out friendships. This is all new to me and I am so grateful that I finally feel accepted.
Love. I want to be married or in a long term committed relationship with a man who wants me. A man who loves me. I want a home that is our sanctuary. While I don't want to have my whole life revolve around the man of my dreams, I do want both of us to want to give our relationship priority. I don't feel closer to this goal, but I have received some excellent advice on the subject. My older gentlemen, my male clients, have done so much to help me see my good qualities. They sometimes lecture me, but in a way that I feel nurtured and valued. And they all have romantic notions. They tell me that I will know the "right" man when he enters my life and that Mr. Right will recognize me and will not rest until he has captured my heart. That meshes with my "Some Enchanted Evening" perspective. I've become quite pragmatic through the years, but there is still a romantic spark that I hold to tightly. I want to feel that electricity, that connection, that desire to surrender to the magnetism.
Then I remind myself that, until I take better care of myself in every possible way, I won't be able to maintain prosperity, share true friendships, maintain a loving relationship, and be both physically and mentally healthy. I now allow myself to be my best ME.
NEXT CHAPTER: Plotting a course
Monday, August 13, 2012
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
I have an unstructured day and, as usually happens, I have been spending it following links...falling down rabbit holes. However, today I had a good idea and followed through!
The local chapter of NAMI has been on my radar. My reluctance to come out of the bipolar closet has kept me from looking at local support groups. But the time has come. I am not doing well. I know some people who are battling similar demons (demons isn't the best word choice, but it sure fits how I feel today), but it's time to enlarge my circle of mutual support. It's time to stand up and admit that I need the support, company, and friendship of other people.
The telephone call was made. Nope, own it. I called the contact person and asked for information regarding meetings. I've been exploring the website. The support group meets tomorrow night and I followed up by doing something that people who know me would find hard to believe. I called my scheduler and said that I will not be available for work assignments in the evening of the days that the support group meets.
Take a look: www.dballiance.org
HOORAY!
The local chapter of NAMI has been on my radar. My reluctance to come out of the bipolar closet has kept me from looking at local support groups. But the time has come. I am not doing well. I know some people who are battling similar demons (demons isn't the best word choice, but it sure fits how I feel today), but it's time to enlarge my circle of mutual support. It's time to stand up and admit that I need the support, company, and friendship of other people.
The telephone call was made. Nope, own it. I called the contact person and asked for information regarding meetings. I've been exploring the website. The support group meets tomorrow night and I followed up by doing something that people who know me would find hard to believe. I called my scheduler and said that I will not be available for work assignments in the evening of the days that the support group meets.
Take a look: www.dballiance.org
HOORAY!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Bipolar 12 Step Program?
I'm not aware of a 12 step program for those of us who are navigating life after diagnosis. But I intend to explore how to apply such a program to my life. This is where and when I'll begin.
In my efforts to find some relief from the helplessness I felt pre-diagnosis, I came across the book If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Bells rang, alarms blared, lightbulbs appeared over my head! Yes, I had controlling parents! Of course I recognized that this was not the source of my difficulties, but it sure felt like a situation that could exacerbate whatever was going on with me. This book led me to other resources that helped then and, if I will use them, can help me now.
My next discovery was ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). So many things rang true! There is a history of alcoholism in my family and I consider myself an alcoholic. I felt no ill effects from drinking. I never drank excessively (which is probably not an accurate statement), but there was a point where I needed a drink to sleep. Alcohol no longer had a place in my home, but I could visit it when I went on a single-moms-out-night. There was a strong connection between alcohol and sex for me. Sober sex? I don't have much experience with it, but I do know that it's much easier to realize when the wrong man is in my bed if I don't drink. Ok, I don't have years of experience in this area. The one man I've had sober sex with was still an impulsive situation for me, but I recognized very quickly that I did not want him in my body again. I'm at a complete loss now. I don't know how to meet a nice man. I don't know how to behave around nice men. And as much as I'd love to spoon with a snoring, drooling, musky, good man, I have a hard time believing it will ever happen. I've met one nice man since diagnosis, but I fell back on some of my old behaviors. Overwhelming. Enthusiastic -- hyperenthusiastic. Teenage me. Socially inept me. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again. Melodrama! Sheesh.
The challenge in this area, and in all other areas for me, is to determine what is "normal" and to learn how to integrate the lovely parts of being bipolar with the behaviors that nurture life with other people. The result should be a higher quality of life. A less lonely life.
Meds help smooth off each end of the spectrum.
They work if you take them. Load the mediset.
It works if you work it. Read the big red book.
10 minutes after posting: Lesson learned. Google first. There are already programs that combine mental health and 12 step programs. Sheesh.
In my efforts to find some relief from the helplessness I felt pre-diagnosis, I came across the book If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Bells rang, alarms blared, lightbulbs appeared over my head! Yes, I had controlling parents! Of course I recognized that this was not the source of my difficulties, but it sure felt like a situation that could exacerbate whatever was going on with me. This book led me to other resources that helped then and, if I will use them, can help me now.
My next discovery was ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). So many things rang true! There is a history of alcoholism in my family and I consider myself an alcoholic. I felt no ill effects from drinking. I never drank excessively (which is probably not an accurate statement), but there was a point where I needed a drink to sleep. Alcohol no longer had a place in my home, but I could visit it when I went on a single-moms-out-night. There was a strong connection between alcohol and sex for me. Sober sex? I don't have much experience with it, but I do know that it's much easier to realize when the wrong man is in my bed if I don't drink. Ok, I don't have years of experience in this area. The one man I've had sober sex with was still an impulsive situation for me, but I recognized very quickly that I did not want him in my body again. I'm at a complete loss now. I don't know how to meet a nice man. I don't know how to behave around nice men. And as much as I'd love to spoon with a snoring, drooling, musky, good man, I have a hard time believing it will ever happen. I've met one nice man since diagnosis, but I fell back on some of my old behaviors. Overwhelming. Enthusiastic -- hyperenthusiastic. Teenage me. Socially inept me. I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again. Melodrama! Sheesh.
The challenge in this area, and in all other areas for me, is to determine what is "normal" and to learn how to integrate the lovely parts of being bipolar with the behaviors that nurture life with other people. The result should be a higher quality of life. A less lonely life.
Meds help smooth off each end of the spectrum.
They work if you take them. Load the mediset.
It works if you work it. Read the big red book.
10 minutes after posting: Lesson learned. Google first. There are already programs that combine mental health and 12 step programs. Sheesh.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Becoming Crashproof
My newest goal is to become crashproof in spite of anything life tosses my way or how I sabotage myself.
Other terms are used, but "crash" best describes my experience. Life is just too much, all circuits overload, the will to push on disappears, and I find myself on the floor unable to move forward. Just unable to move. Then the "why bother" thoughts enter my head and I look for a quick exit. When that fails, I update myself to the next version. I am currently version 1.8.
Prior to each crash I believed that I was doing my best, just being a superhuman good girl. I believed that what I was doing would make a difference and I was taking care of everyone. Then everything stopped. No motion at all. The truth is that I really did do my best for a while. There was no gauge to indicate that the fire and determination were no longer serving as fuel, but instead were destructive elements. No idiot light to indicate that my engine was overheating.
I laid there on the floor while others picked up the pieces and restored order to chaos. While on the floor, I could see no future, felt no energy, lacked the ability to continue forward, and then acted on that lack of vision.
"No" has become part of my vocabulary, but it is not used often enough. I see myself heading in an unhealthy direction and start applying "no" as needed. At least for a while. Then the panic kicks in and I worry about surviving. Just basic physical survival.
I am so lucky to finally understand why I have experienced crashes and to have some new tools to stave off future occurrences. After each crash it feels as though a new life begins. In the past, shame and fear have closed doors through relocation or by simply disconnecting with anything and anyone associated with the crash. All the old is cast off and new is acquired. I have no lifelong friends, there are no connections to family members, and the only person I have wanted to remain in my life is my son. The process of starting over is time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. And exhaustion leads to...
This time the toolbox is open, my new true friends are standing by, and I'm wearing my helmet.
Other terms are used, but "crash" best describes my experience. Life is just too much, all circuits overload, the will to push on disappears, and I find myself on the floor unable to move forward. Just unable to move. Then the "why bother" thoughts enter my head and I look for a quick exit. When that fails, I update myself to the next version. I am currently version 1.8.
Prior to each crash I believed that I was doing my best, just being a superhuman good girl. I believed that what I was doing would make a difference and I was taking care of everyone. Then everything stopped. No motion at all. The truth is that I really did do my best for a while. There was no gauge to indicate that the fire and determination were no longer serving as fuel, but instead were destructive elements. No idiot light to indicate that my engine was overheating.
I laid there on the floor while others picked up the pieces and restored order to chaos. While on the floor, I could see no future, felt no energy, lacked the ability to continue forward, and then acted on that lack of vision.
"No" has become part of my vocabulary, but it is not used often enough. I see myself heading in an unhealthy direction and start applying "no" as needed. At least for a while. Then the panic kicks in and I worry about surviving. Just basic physical survival.
I am so lucky to finally understand why I have experienced crashes and to have some new tools to stave off future occurrences. After each crash it feels as though a new life begins. In the past, shame and fear have closed doors through relocation or by simply disconnecting with anything and anyone associated with the crash. All the old is cast off and new is acquired. I have no lifelong friends, there are no connections to family members, and the only person I have wanted to remain in my life is my son. The process of starting over is time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. And exhaustion leads to...
This time the toolbox is open, my new true friends are standing by, and I'm wearing my helmet.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence
Financial concerns are my current worry. I am trying very hard to not feel overwhelmed. But it's very, very difficult.
I like the work I am doing, recognize that it's probably one of the best fitting jobs I could have (short shifts, low stress, variety, lovely clients, emotionally and intellectually rewarding), but the pay is low and I'm having trouble meeting my monthly obligations. Tackling the credit card debt seems out of reach, but I can do things to reduce my current living expenses.
One of the options on the table is finding a less expensive place to live. I love where I'm living, but I'm certainly not making the most of the amenities here. The landlord is accepting the rent in two payments -- I don't want to continue that practice. I don't want to surrender my autonomy! I sent a notice to my church mailing list expressing my desire to find other housing. So far one possibility has surfaced.
My ideal living space has a buffer separating me from the hustle, bustle, and noise of the outside world. I do not want another apartment. The new space will provide me with the peace and quiet I need to regroup and prepare myself to go out into the world for work and to be with friends. It must be my sanctuary. I have always needed this type of setting, but since my diagnosis, I understand why it is so important to me.
I could cancel my internet service, but I have become so dependent upon it. Paying my bills on line, receiving email notifications, and having the ability to look at my daily bank balance have helped me avoid the financial chaos that I used to experience. I am able to make a little money writing web content. There is connection to others who share a similar life -- I never feel completely alone. I don't see myself functioning very well at a public location that offers free wifi.
All my other expenses have been pared down as much as possible. My ten year old car is beginning to need repairs and I need to take better care of it. Without my car, I would not be able to keep my job. My grocery budget is almost dangerously low. My eating habits do not support good mental or physical health. I've stretched meds as far as I dare and this expense will increase since I've decided that this has to be top priority.
Retaining my independence provides me an oasis from a world that drains me.
I like the work I am doing, recognize that it's probably one of the best fitting jobs I could have (short shifts, low stress, variety, lovely clients, emotionally and intellectually rewarding), but the pay is low and I'm having trouble meeting my monthly obligations. Tackling the credit card debt seems out of reach, but I can do things to reduce my current living expenses.
One of the options on the table is finding a less expensive place to live. I love where I'm living, but I'm certainly not making the most of the amenities here. The landlord is accepting the rent in two payments -- I don't want to continue that practice. I don't want to surrender my autonomy! I sent a notice to my church mailing list expressing my desire to find other housing. So far one possibility has surfaced.
My ideal living space has a buffer separating me from the hustle, bustle, and noise of the outside world. I do not want another apartment. The new space will provide me with the peace and quiet I need to regroup and prepare myself to go out into the world for work and to be with friends. It must be my sanctuary. I have always needed this type of setting, but since my diagnosis, I understand why it is so important to me.
I could cancel my internet service, but I have become so dependent upon it. Paying my bills on line, receiving email notifications, and having the ability to look at my daily bank balance have helped me avoid the financial chaos that I used to experience. I am able to make a little money writing web content. There is connection to others who share a similar life -- I never feel completely alone. I don't see myself functioning very well at a public location that offers free wifi.
All my other expenses have been pared down as much as possible. My ten year old car is beginning to need repairs and I need to take better care of it. Without my car, I would not be able to keep my job. My grocery budget is almost dangerously low. My eating habits do not support good mental or physical health. I've stretched meds as far as I dare and this expense will increase since I've decided that this has to be top priority.
Retaining my independence provides me an oasis from a world that drains me.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
"Why won't you tell me where you live?"
Shame. Pure and simple shame.
Two of my friends recently mentioned to me that they have no idea where I live. I've remained quiet.
One friend is so very, very much like me. She has trusted me enough to invite me to visit her home and I found that her place looks very much like mine. Hooray! But I've yet to demonstrate that same level of trust in her and I really want to understand why.
I grew up with absolutely no control over my environment. My room never felt like my own space, my belongings never really felt like they belonged to me, and I felt more like a prisoner, an unwanted guest, than a family member. My first few apartments were shared with roommates. I never completely unpacked at any of those places. Whenever possible, I rented two bedroom apartments so I'd have a place to hide the chaos. I have become quite adept at stashing, hiding, misdirecting, and camouflaging.
After my son was born I fooled myself into believing that he was the source of chaos. He made nests around the house. After he left home, there were still nests. I had to accept responsibility.
Why is it so hard to get the dirty dishes off the counter and into the dishwasher, the clean clothes transferred from the pile to drawers and closet, and why are half-empty fast food soda cups the majority of the items in my refrigerator? Sheesh
My goal this week is to demonstrate my trust in my friend. She has accepted me unconditionally; I just need to accept that and give her evidence that I also accept her friendship.
It's time to regroup yet again.
Two of my friends recently mentioned to me that they have no idea where I live. I've remained quiet.
One friend is so very, very much like me. She has trusted me enough to invite me to visit her home and I found that her place looks very much like mine. Hooray! But I've yet to demonstrate that same level of trust in her and I really want to understand why.
I grew up with absolutely no control over my environment. My room never felt like my own space, my belongings never really felt like they belonged to me, and I felt more like a prisoner, an unwanted guest, than a family member. My first few apartments were shared with roommates. I never completely unpacked at any of those places. Whenever possible, I rented two bedroom apartments so I'd have a place to hide the chaos. I have become quite adept at stashing, hiding, misdirecting, and camouflaging.
After my son was born I fooled myself into believing that he was the source of chaos. He made nests around the house. After he left home, there were still nests. I had to accept responsibility.
Why is it so hard to get the dirty dishes off the counter and into the dishwasher, the clean clothes transferred from the pile to drawers and closet, and why are half-empty fast food soda cups the majority of the items in my refrigerator? Sheesh
My goal this week is to demonstrate my trust in my friend. She has accepted me unconditionally; I just need to accept that and give her evidence that I also accept her friendship.
It's time to regroup yet again.
Flying at low altitude
In an earlier post I mentioned that, thanks to lack of funds and medical insurance, I have not been taking my thyroid medication or the megadoses of Vitamin D3 that transformed me from zombie to human being.
Like just before learning my diagnosis, I was dragging around, sleeping all the time, forgetting to eat, skipping showers, and even not bothering to change clothes. Then I discovered a lovely supplement that gives my body all kinds of goodies. I am awake again.
I learned the hard way that when replacing one vitamin with another supplement it is a good idea to remove the original pill from the mediset. I was bouncing off the walls -- a little hypomania. Okay, I felt good and I was definitely experiencing hypomania.
An additional benefit of taking the supplement is that I am beginning to lose weight again. Not a significant loss so far, but a clear downward trend. I had to find some smaller pants to wear to work. Today I was in danger of my pants falling down while I was showering one of my clients. Dropping my drawers is not a method I use to make my clients feel comfortable.
Like just before learning my diagnosis, I was dragging around, sleeping all the time, forgetting to eat, skipping showers, and even not bothering to change clothes. Then I discovered a lovely supplement that gives my body all kinds of goodies. I am awake again.
I learned the hard way that when replacing one vitamin with another supplement it is a good idea to remove the original pill from the mediset. I was bouncing off the walls -- a little hypomania. Okay, I felt good and I was definitely experiencing hypomania.
An additional benefit of taking the supplement is that I am beginning to lose weight again. Not a significant loss so far, but a clear downward trend. I had to find some smaller pants to wear to work. Today I was in danger of my pants falling down while I was showering one of my clients. Dropping my drawers is not a method I use to make my clients feel comfortable.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Not Eating and Consequences
This week I've been reminded of the consequences of not eating. Lethargy, dizziness, faintness, fuzzy thinking, among others.
I think I forgot to eat for two days. Not sure what happened there, but I became aware of the situation while I was with a client. It felt like a sudden drop in blood sugar and I asked my client for the only sweet thing I could see on his counter. Fortunately, my shift was over and I sat in my car eating the cookies and waiting for a sign of improvement. I felt well enough to drive home on the freeway. A few days later I was grocery shopping and the same feeling suddenly came over me. I immediately moved to the checkout, picked up a soda, and took a big gulp before leaving the store. After I consumed about half of the bottle, my symptoms improved dramatically.
It dawned on me that as soon as I did a better job on being compliant with my meds, I neglected my health in another way. It's bad enough that I'm not getting my thyroid medication and don't have money to see a doctor or dentist, but I'm self-sabotaging. I'm in a little hole.
I'm participating in a class at my church on UU identity. We're given questions to answer which will help us realize how we define our spiritual self. I couldn't get past the first question: who am I at my core. I wrote three or four lines, scratched out most of it, and was left with three bleak sentences: I am a lost child. I have wandered aimlessly for lifetimes. I am a lost weary child.
Pretty good barometer there.
One of the consequences of not eating is fatigue. By sleeping many, many hours, my little brain worked on healing me. I had lovely, lovely dreams. I awoke knowing the answer to the burning question of the previous day. My mood improved. I realized the harm I had done to myself. I tested my blood sugar. I set alarms on my cell phone to prompt me to eat. I put snacks in my purse. When my clients had lunch or breakfast, I pulled a sandwich from my purse and shared the meal with them.
It's hard to admit that I'm still self-destructive. There's no overt attempt to kill myself, but I sure have been causing short term harm.
Today's task: There is an apartment inspection on Monday and I have to find hiding places for all my stuff. Chaos reigns. Thank goodness for big plastic containers!
I think I forgot to eat for two days. Not sure what happened there, but I became aware of the situation while I was with a client. It felt like a sudden drop in blood sugar and I asked my client for the only sweet thing I could see on his counter. Fortunately, my shift was over and I sat in my car eating the cookies and waiting for a sign of improvement. I felt well enough to drive home on the freeway. A few days later I was grocery shopping and the same feeling suddenly came over me. I immediately moved to the checkout, picked up a soda, and took a big gulp before leaving the store. After I consumed about half of the bottle, my symptoms improved dramatically.
It dawned on me that as soon as I did a better job on being compliant with my meds, I neglected my health in another way. It's bad enough that I'm not getting my thyroid medication and don't have money to see a doctor or dentist, but I'm self-sabotaging. I'm in a little hole.
I'm participating in a class at my church on UU identity. We're given questions to answer which will help us realize how we define our spiritual self. I couldn't get past the first question: who am I at my core. I wrote three or four lines, scratched out most of it, and was left with three bleak sentences: I am a lost child. I have wandered aimlessly for lifetimes. I am a lost weary child.
Pretty good barometer there.
One of the consequences of not eating is fatigue. By sleeping many, many hours, my little brain worked on healing me. I had lovely, lovely dreams. I awoke knowing the answer to the burning question of the previous day. My mood improved. I realized the harm I had done to myself. I tested my blood sugar. I set alarms on my cell phone to prompt me to eat. I put snacks in my purse. When my clients had lunch or breakfast, I pulled a sandwich from my purse and shared the meal with them.
It's hard to admit that I'm still self-destructive. There's no overt attempt to kill myself, but I sure have been causing short term harm.
Today's task: There is an apartment inspection on Monday and I have to find hiding places for all my stuff. Chaos reigns. Thank goodness for big plastic containers!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
BP2 Employees
Remember where you are....BP does not stand for British Petroleum.
My current employment seldom provides 40 hours of work. Fortunately, I am still eligible for some unemployment benefits. But I'm still unable to meet my basic expenses.
While continuing to seek out a full time job that would actually meet my budget requirements and would not lead to a meltdown, I keep rehearsing interviews...
THEM: Please explain the large number of absences during the final year at your last place of employment.
ME: Well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Layoffs were beginning and the environment was increasingly stressful. Then more stressful stuff happened, I had a meltdown, then self-medicated by taking all the pills in my house. I spent a week at a retreat where they helped me relax and develop coping skills and gave me a list of vitamins and such that would be helpful. Then I went back to work for a few weeks, where it was obvious that I still needed to practice my coping skills. So I did. For a month. I really wanted to perfect my coping skills so I took another few months to practice. When I got back, I had a little accident which led to the claim I filed, but I did stay at work. Shortly thereafter, I was invited to a meeting with some other employees and we were invited to leave the building. I was surprised because I had already demonstrated how much trouble I had coping with stress.
******
THEM: The only opening we have available is on third shift. Would that be a problem for you?
ME: Probably not a big problem. I might have a problem staying alert since I do have to take one of those anti-something drugs at night. That wouldn't be a problem, would it?
******
THEM: Are you able to perform well in a high energy environment?
ME: Not a problem! I may sometimes appear to be a little slow, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour! There's nothing I can't do! You'll get quite a bargain with me because I can easily do the work of two or even three people! Think how much money I'll save the company! I will be in a room by myself, won't I?
*****
THEM: Describe the environment in which you are most productive.
ME: I will be able to discuss my uh... accomoda... work station adjustment needs with HR, right?
THEM: We'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.
************
I've read a couple of good books about BPs at work, found some websites that provided helpful information, and I must admit that the strategies suggested could work. But not today. Not in this work environment. Especially for those of us over 50.
More about this in a future post...when my optimism returns.
My current employment seldom provides 40 hours of work. Fortunately, I am still eligible for some unemployment benefits. But I'm still unable to meet my basic expenses.
While continuing to seek out a full time job that would actually meet my budget requirements and would not lead to a meltdown, I keep rehearsing interviews...
THEM: Please explain the large number of absences during the final year at your last place of employment.
ME: Well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Layoffs were beginning and the environment was increasingly stressful. Then more stressful stuff happened, I had a meltdown, then self-medicated by taking all the pills in my house. I spent a week at a retreat where they helped me relax and develop coping skills and gave me a list of vitamins and such that would be helpful. Then I went back to work for a few weeks, where it was obvious that I still needed to practice my coping skills. So I did. For a month. I really wanted to perfect my coping skills so I took another few months to practice. When I got back, I had a little accident which led to the claim I filed, but I did stay at work. Shortly thereafter, I was invited to a meeting with some other employees and we were invited to leave the building. I was surprised because I had already demonstrated how much trouble I had coping with stress.
******
THEM: The only opening we have available is on third shift. Would that be a problem for you?
ME: Probably not a big problem. I might have a problem staying alert since I do have to take one of those anti-something drugs at night. That wouldn't be a problem, would it?
******
THEM: Are you able to perform well in a high energy environment?
ME: Not a problem! I may sometimes appear to be a little slow, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour! There's nothing I can't do! You'll get quite a bargain with me because I can easily do the work of two or even three people! Think how much money I'll save the company! I will be in a room by myself, won't I?
*****
THEM: Describe the environment in which you are most productive.
ME: I will be able to discuss my uh... accomoda... work station adjustment needs with HR, right?
THEM: We'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.
************
I've read a couple of good books about BPs at work, found some websites that provided helpful information, and I must admit that the strategies suggested could work. But not today. Not in this work environment. Especially for those of us over 50.
More about this in a future post...when my optimism returns.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The family that I wanted
A few weeks ago a sermon at church dealt with marriage. The result was a flood of memories and feelings. I ended up bombarding someone with a discourse on my only marriage, the rejection by a long term boyfriend, and my hope that someday I'll have a healthy marriage. Although I've included a healthy relationship in my intentions, there is a little part of me that has a hard time believing that it will happen. My disclosures led to disclosures by the person with whom I was talking. I am honored that I was trusted with that bit of sharing.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."
"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.
All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.
No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."
"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.
All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.
No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Sometimes the worst is not inevitable
I've been juggling many things in my life. Finances are the most stressful right now. I've talked with a credit counselor and was advised to seek legal assistance. The counselor assured me that there was no longer any stigma attached to filing bankruptcy. But it still just doesn't sit right with me. I'll give it more thought.
Gloom and doom are plaguing me today. It's sunny outside and I have chosen to stay in my cave. I've actually done some work toward dejunking the place! But now I just feel weary.
Haven't been to church in a couple of weeks, but intend to go tomorrow. The topic is marriage. That's something I am now willing to accept into my life so I am especially interested in what might be said.
I binged on chocolate and drank too much coffee; however, I have been taking my meds as prescribed. And the chocolate was dark chocolate -- purely medicinal.
Short early morning shifts are wearing me out. Saturday and Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is sleeping in, I'm driving across town for a two hour shift that begins at 7:00 a.m. I am weary. Instead of being outside in the sunshine and joining in St. Patrick's Day celebrations, I just want to sleep, to pull the quilt up over my ears, close my eyes, and get aboard a comfy cloud.
I have a friend! It seems like I don't have to be lonely any more. I am so happy that I know her and that we are so similar. We giggle together, but are also not shy about confronting the other when necessary. I feel good!
Today I have a candle burning for my observance of the new moon. Sometimes, when I really need the grounding, I'll light the candle a few days before the new moon and light it afresh each day until a few days afterward. I need that grounding right now.
I'm starting to treat myself like I am my own client. It's time to be my own caregiver. The neglect is ending now.
Gloom and doom are plaguing me today. It's sunny outside and I have chosen to stay in my cave. I've actually done some work toward dejunking the place! But now I just feel weary.
Haven't been to church in a couple of weeks, but intend to go tomorrow. The topic is marriage. That's something I am now willing to accept into my life so I am especially interested in what might be said.
I binged on chocolate and drank too much coffee; however, I have been taking my meds as prescribed. And the chocolate was dark chocolate -- purely medicinal.
Short early morning shifts are wearing me out. Saturday and Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is sleeping in, I'm driving across town for a two hour shift that begins at 7:00 a.m. I am weary. Instead of being outside in the sunshine and joining in St. Patrick's Day celebrations, I just want to sleep, to pull the quilt up over my ears, close my eyes, and get aboard a comfy cloud.
I have a friend! It seems like I don't have to be lonely any more. I am so happy that I know her and that we are so similar. We giggle together, but are also not shy about confronting the other when necessary. I feel good!
Today I have a candle burning for my observance of the new moon. Sometimes, when I really need the grounding, I'll light the candle a few days before the new moon and light it afresh each day until a few days afterward. I need that grounding right now.
I'm starting to treat myself like I am my own client. It's time to be my own caregiver. The neglect is ending now.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I thought that EVENTUALLY I'd get this right!
Well, here I am again whining about missing meds.
I've been tired and weary and not down upon the Swanee River. I've been making this type of comment out loud. My clients just shake their heads, comment about my imagination, or just call me weird. That should have been my first clue.
My schedule has undergone radical change. My original clients have moved or died. I didn't think I'd grieve, but I have.
I'm sleeping more than usual, but remain tired. I'm up and down all night. Everything hurts. I fall asleep soon after I get home. I fall asleep after I eat. I fall asleep just about any time I get still.
March is never-ending. I know it has just begun, but the light is refusing to come back and the rain is non-stop. I've been pretty good about keeping lights on and using my GLAD light, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
My new batch of clients, with one exception, keep their homes very, very cold. And I'm excessively cold right now. Of course, if I had enough money to go to the doctor and get back on my thyroid medication that might change. Or maybe if I were still taking Vitamin D, I'd see a difference.
I just loaded my washing machine and realized that I wore the same outfit all week. Every day the same items of clothing! That's quite a stinky red flag!
However, I am staying in touch with my friends and son. I have good food in the house. I'm doing a better than average job of managing my finances. I talked with a bill collector without crying. I'm taking good care of my clients. I'm making plans to play piano again and that feels very good! I go to church most Sundays.
I'm taking better care of my clients than I am of myself and I need to turn that around. I need health care coverage so that I can address all my health issues. Once again, I need to rethink how I make a living.
There's a way to get this right and I'll find it. And as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! Sheesh, my mind is jumping around! Down, mind!
I've been tired and weary and not down upon the Swanee River. I've been making this type of comment out loud. My clients just shake their heads, comment about my imagination, or just call me weird. That should have been my first clue.
My schedule has undergone radical change. My original clients have moved or died. I didn't think I'd grieve, but I have.
I'm sleeping more than usual, but remain tired. I'm up and down all night. Everything hurts. I fall asleep soon after I get home. I fall asleep after I eat. I fall asleep just about any time I get still.
March is never-ending. I know it has just begun, but the light is refusing to come back and the rain is non-stop. I've been pretty good about keeping lights on and using my GLAD light, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
My new batch of clients, with one exception, keep their homes very, very cold. And I'm excessively cold right now. Of course, if I had enough money to go to the doctor and get back on my thyroid medication that might change. Or maybe if I were still taking Vitamin D, I'd see a difference.
I just loaded my washing machine and realized that I wore the same outfit all week. Every day the same items of clothing! That's quite a stinky red flag!
However, I am staying in touch with my friends and son. I have good food in the house. I'm doing a better than average job of managing my finances. I talked with a bill collector without crying. I'm taking good care of my clients. I'm making plans to play piano again and that feels very good! I go to church most Sundays.
I'm taking better care of my clients than I am of myself and I need to turn that around. I need health care coverage so that I can address all my health issues. Once again, I need to rethink how I make a living.
There's a way to get this right and I'll find it. And as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! Sheesh, my mind is jumping around! Down, mind!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Cheery at Work, Gloomy at Home
I think I am an excellent caregiver because I work to make my clients' lives easier and I work to bring them a little joy with each visit.
Today's challenge is dealing with the loss of two clients -- one who relocated and one who died. Both events occurred earlier in the week, but not until today have I begun to deal with my feelings. The rest of this week was spent in taking care of my remaining clients.
One client was a 97 year old man. He was frail, but was still strong enough to get in and out of his wheelchair on his own and to operate the manual chair by himself. At the end of each visit, he said goodbye with a big smile. He taught me about how to care for a dying loved one. When his wife was terminally ill, he was her caregiver. She loved soaking in the bathtub, but was no longer able to do so. My client would help her get into the tub and hold her so that she could safely enjoy her soak. That's love. He fell, broke his hip, survived the surgery, but never came out of recovery. I will miss his smile.
The second client moved to another state. She was my very first client so I am especially sad. Her husband is in a facility and he is dying. Because this may be a very long process, his family and her family decided it was best for her to go live with her family in another state. She and her husband were both widowed and were married in their 70's. They were both so frail, but continued to try to physically take care of each other and also to maintain their independence. They reluctantly parted on their anniversary. She showed me how to be graceful and strong under adverse circumstances. I will miss her laugh. Someday I hope to have a loving relationship like theirs.
But today I grieve and light a candle for them.
On Monday I want to be cheery, helpful, and bring some joy to my clients. Today, I'm still in my cave and it's dark and cluttered and joy is absent. I will begin thinking about how I can best care for myself when these circumstances arise again. Since I enjoy working with people in their 80's and 90's, the circumstances will arise again.
Today's challenge is dealing with the loss of two clients -- one who relocated and one who died. Both events occurred earlier in the week, but not until today have I begun to deal with my feelings. The rest of this week was spent in taking care of my remaining clients.
One client was a 97 year old man. He was frail, but was still strong enough to get in and out of his wheelchair on his own and to operate the manual chair by himself. At the end of each visit, he said goodbye with a big smile. He taught me about how to care for a dying loved one. When his wife was terminally ill, he was her caregiver. She loved soaking in the bathtub, but was no longer able to do so. My client would help her get into the tub and hold her so that she could safely enjoy her soak. That's love. He fell, broke his hip, survived the surgery, but never came out of recovery. I will miss his smile.
The second client moved to another state. She was my very first client so I am especially sad. Her husband is in a facility and he is dying. Because this may be a very long process, his family and her family decided it was best for her to go live with her family in another state. She and her husband were both widowed and were married in their 70's. They were both so frail, but continued to try to physically take care of each other and also to maintain their independence. They reluctantly parted on their anniversary. She showed me how to be graceful and strong under adverse circumstances. I will miss her laugh. Someday I hope to have a loving relationship like theirs.
But today I grieve and light a candle for them.
On Monday I want to be cheery, helpful, and bring some joy to my clients. Today, I'm still in my cave and it's dark and cluttered and joy is absent. I will begin thinking about how I can best care for myself when these circumstances arise again. Since I enjoy working with people in their 80's and 90's, the circumstances will arise again.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
February: Reasons I am Staying in My Cave
Another thing I learned while reading my old journal is that February has consistently been a bad month for me. And I think that's still true.
I want to go to church today. Our minister is leaving in June and I don't want to miss any of his sermons. Today's sermon is on knowing when to leave and knowing when to stay. Talk about a sermon that I need to hear right now!
If I were faithfully charting my mood (I HAVE to get back on track with that!), I suspect it would show that I'm at or near the bottom. I'm a bit weepy today. Since I often cry in church and I am already weepy, I'm using that as the rationalization for not going today. I also don't have ANY clean clothes. And I still can't find a complete pair of shoes except the ones I wear for work. And, if I keep thinking, I'll come up with some more excuses.
As much as I want to hear today's sermon, I really don't feel up to it today. I don't want to think about the minister leaving -- he's been a very important reason that I've attended faithfully. I'm happy in the community, just very, very sad that we are losing our spiritual leader. It also feels like there is some feud between members -- I don't want to be around all the drama.
I've been faithfully using the GLAD light(Glorious Lumination Against Depression) and the past few days have been gloriously sunny. But my cave is safe and becoming quite womb-like (warm, dark, barely room to move around, quiet except for sound that comes through the walls from the apartments of my neighbors).
(I trekked to the closest Starbucks for excessive caffeine, discovered that the power is out in half of the town, saw the frosting on the grass, felt the crisp air, then got myself back inside!)
It's Super Bowl Sunday, but for me I think it's going to be Super Bawl Sunday; I won't fight my body's need to release the tears.
I want to go to church today. Our minister is leaving in June and I don't want to miss any of his sermons. Today's sermon is on knowing when to leave and knowing when to stay. Talk about a sermon that I need to hear right now!
If I were faithfully charting my mood (I HAVE to get back on track with that!), I suspect it would show that I'm at or near the bottom. I'm a bit weepy today. Since I often cry in church and I am already weepy, I'm using that as the rationalization for not going today. I also don't have ANY clean clothes. And I still can't find a complete pair of shoes except the ones I wear for work. And, if I keep thinking, I'll come up with some more excuses.
As much as I want to hear today's sermon, I really don't feel up to it today. I don't want to think about the minister leaving -- he's been a very important reason that I've attended faithfully. I'm happy in the community, just very, very sad that we are losing our spiritual leader. It also feels like there is some feud between members -- I don't want to be around all the drama.
I've been faithfully using the GLAD light(Glorious Lumination Against Depression) and the past few days have been gloriously sunny. But my cave is safe and becoming quite womb-like (warm, dark, barely room to move around, quiet except for sound that comes through the walls from the apartments of my neighbors).
(I trekked to the closest Starbucks for excessive caffeine, discovered that the power is out in half of the town, saw the frosting on the grass, felt the crisp air, then got myself back inside!)
It's Super Bowl Sunday, but for me I think it's going to be Super Bawl Sunday; I won't fight my body's need to release the tears.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Revisiting Journals of the Past
I happened upon a journal that I began in January 2006 and ended in the Spring of 2010 (just prior to my hospitalization). In it are comments about the last days of a former job including my worries about being fired for some unknown reason, my plans to relocate out of state (running away?), the move, life in apartment 1 and then apartment 2, nine months of unemployment after moving here, my most recent former job, and two instances of worrying about being fired from my last job(same people involved, same type of fear). Had I read this prior to the latest "I'm getting fired" instance, perhaps I would have questioned my behavior. If I had known that my brain can cause me to think I am hearing my name, I could have avoided working myself up.
One of the things I did well in this journal was discover patterns. There's the "I'm getting fired" scenario. There was a list of all the jobs I've had, why I left them (usually feeling overworked and under appreciated), my lack of friendships and romantic relationships, my worries about my son and mother, my awareness of the patterns, and the feeling of helplessness, of having no hope of ever getting things right.
Having had parents who were probably mentally ill (father - depressed, mother - possibly bipolar) and who isolated our family, how was I to know what was normal? I discovered ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and identified with them. They had many tools that I continue to use, a website with message boards, and I have attended some online meetings. The recovery tools help me put things back in perspective when I start heading down the worry path, which I don't do as often thanks to meds and new tools that I've acquired.
I am so glad that I know and accept my diagnosis -- know and accept myself. While I feel down because I sometimes have little hope of having normal relationships with other people -- friendships, family connections, romantic relationships, co-worker relationships -- I keep coming back to how much I figured out on my own. I was able to step back from my behaviors. Now I will continue to apply that knowledge and continue building a better life.
One of the things I did well in this journal was discover patterns. There's the "I'm getting fired" scenario. There was a list of all the jobs I've had, why I left them (usually feeling overworked and under appreciated), my lack of friendships and romantic relationships, my worries about my son and mother, my awareness of the patterns, and the feeling of helplessness, of having no hope of ever getting things right.
Having had parents who were probably mentally ill (father - depressed, mother - possibly bipolar) and who isolated our family, how was I to know what was normal? I discovered ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and identified with them. They had many tools that I continue to use, a website with message boards, and I have attended some online meetings. The recovery tools help me put things back in perspective when I start heading down the worry path, which I don't do as often thanks to meds and new tools that I've acquired.
I am so glad that I know and accept my diagnosis -- know and accept myself. While I feel down because I sometimes have little hope of having normal relationships with other people -- friendships, family connections, romantic relationships, co-worker relationships -- I keep coming back to how much I figured out on my own. I was able to step back from my behaviors. Now I will continue to apply that knowledge and continue building a better life.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Trigger Five Identified: Hunger
My mind feels stuck on negatives. I also haven't eaten in about 24 hours. No appetite. Illness is making everything taste blah.
I did not eat until the evening, after I had finally gone to the grocery. Of course, shopping on an empty stomach does not lead to wise decisions. Instant gratification! Sugar, sugar, sugar! Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine! BREAD!!!! But the proportion of good food is improving. I've been adding more protein...again.
This is the area where I've backslid the most. My income has varied so much during the past year and has such a large impact on the quality of food that I eat.
I also learned much about food preparation and storage from one of my clients. Time to use that knowledge.
Have to work more on eating better food and remembering to eat.
I did not eat until the evening, after I had finally gone to the grocery. Of course, shopping on an empty stomach does not lead to wise decisions. Instant gratification! Sugar, sugar, sugar! Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine! BREAD!!!! But the proportion of good food is improving. I've been adding more protein...again.
This is the area where I've backslid the most. My income has varied so much during the past year and has such a large impact on the quality of food that I eat.
I also learned much about food preparation and storage from one of my clients. Time to use that knowledge.
Have to work more on eating better food and remembering to eat.
Ways I am not being true to myself.
Back to lessons I've learned from having encounters with my fellow humans...
If something is said to me that I choose to feel hurt about, in the past I have sometimes done or said something to them that I expect them to find hurtful. Then, whether or not the other party has expressed hurt, I apologize. The other party never does. I apologize because I think it is very important to acknowledge my own hurtful actions and try to make amends for them. I only want people in my life that share this value and I will let go of the hurt and move on.
I have been sick and I have been taking naps when the office is closed for the day. Today I began my nap after I got home, which was still during office hours. What a beautiful, deep sleep I experienced. I missed two calls asking me to substitute. I followed up and learned that someone else had been obtained. However, I still feel slight guilt that I was napping at a time when I needed to be on call.
I have a man in my mind. I should know better because this will probably not have a happy-ever-after ending. I first noticed him because he was alone and appeared to be hurting. Caregiving instincts kicked in. I also sensed that we had a lot in common and we do. This is not an auspicious start. I deserve someone who meets my "love" intentions and I won't settle for less.
If something is said to me that I choose to feel hurt about, in the past I have sometimes done or said something to them that I expect them to find hurtful. Then, whether or not the other party has expressed hurt, I apologize. The other party never does. I apologize because I think it is very important to acknowledge my own hurtful actions and try to make amends for them. I only want people in my life that share this value and I will let go of the hurt and move on.
I have been sick and I have been taking naps when the office is closed for the day. Today I began my nap after I got home, which was still during office hours. What a beautiful, deep sleep I experienced. I missed two calls asking me to substitute. I followed up and learned that someone else had been obtained. However, I still feel slight guilt that I was napping at a time when I needed to be on call.
I have a man in my mind. I should know better because this will probably not have a happy-ever-after ending. I first noticed him because he was alone and appeared to be hurting. Caregiving instincts kicked in. I also sensed that we had a lot in common and we do. This is not an auspicious start. I deserve someone who meets my "love" intentions and I won't settle for less.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Stuck
I'm feeling better today and I'm working on creating an environment that reflects that. I've made a sizeable dent in the chaos, but I'm having trouble staying motivated. My mind is stuck in overwhelmed mode. Sheeesh
My mind is stuck on my finances. It has to get better. I will continue trying to work as many hours as I can talk them into assigning me WITHOUT EXHAUSTING MYSELF. I will do a better job of monitoring my expenses. Sheeesh
I've been quiet and calm most of today. I realized that I had forgotten to eat so I went out and grabbed a sandwich, an act that is off limits for the next three months. If things are better then, I'll revisit visiting the local eating establishments. Sheesh
I'm just feeling stuck. I can see a path forward, but I still haven't tied that to my intentions. I need to integrate the two, but I'm feeling too weary to deal with that right now. That's exactly why I should deal with it now. Sheesh
My big decision before bedtime? Whether I want to sleep on the couch or sleep in my bed. Sheesh
My mind is stuck on my finances. It has to get better. I will continue trying to work as many hours as I can talk them into assigning me WITHOUT EXHAUSTING MYSELF. I will do a better job of monitoring my expenses. Sheeesh
I've been quiet and calm most of today. I realized that I had forgotten to eat so I went out and grabbed a sandwich, an act that is off limits for the next three months. If things are better then, I'll revisit visiting the local eating establishments. Sheesh
I'm just feeling stuck. I can see a path forward, but I still haven't tied that to my intentions. I need to integrate the two, but I'm feeling too weary to deal with that right now. That's exactly why I should deal with it now. Sheesh
My big decision before bedtime? Whether I want to sleep on the couch or sleep in my bed. Sheesh
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sick Body, Sick Thoughts
Yep, I'm sick with some nasty something or other. I had planned to go back to work today, but my body had other plans. Interesting thing is that once I called in sick for the rest of the week, I had a sense of calm...still queasy, but a calm queasy.
What I have to start watching for is the way that my mood influences my physical health. It wouldn't hurt to consider how my physical health influences my mood, too. Mood and physical are both cruddy right now.
Emotionally and mood wise there are several influences. I have a client who is dealing with the high probability of the death of her husband within a very short time. My oldest clients (97, 94, 91) are a constant reminder of the good and bad of aging and how their lives were all made fuller through their marriages (one of them married for the second time in her 70's!). Life is short -- my 97 year old client smiled as he agreed with that -- what a wonderful, peaceful man he is!
Physically, I'm feeling a bit drained. I shoveled snow and did a lot of physical work during the past few weeks. I have taken on new clients any time I've been asked, working six days a week. I have agreed to be on stand-by on the weekends. I feel like I am falling back into my old habit of overworking, pushing myself beyond reasonable bounds. I know where this could lead and I'm rationalizing my behavior by reminding myself of my current fiscal limitations. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS CAN LEAD.
And I missed a few doses of meds -- not consecutive or the same meds. I don't think it has a large impact, but I know what a big difference those little doses make in my life.
However, yesterday I sang in the shower. It wasn't the bold, full-bodied singing that I felt like doing, but a timid, soft, comforting, non-neighbor irritating rendition of "Tomorrow." Then I did the green liquid-alcohol included cold medicine version on a friend's answering machine; it was neither timid, soft, nor comforting. Sheesh
My mind roams all over the place today. I doze off only to awaken with some strange idea -- something out of nowhere -- settled down in my mind for a long rest. I am questioning EVERY action that I've taken this year. Fortunately, the year is less than a month old! The self-doubt is strongest when I feel weakest.
My last job is in my head today. A bleak view of the future is in my head today. My doubts about reality versus my perceptions is in my head today. And maybe this is part of the reason I am physically ill. Things are festering inside me and I need to let those sores drain, dry up, and finally heal.
What I have to start watching for is the way that my mood influences my physical health. It wouldn't hurt to consider how my physical health influences my mood, too. Mood and physical are both cruddy right now.
Emotionally and mood wise there are several influences. I have a client who is dealing with the high probability of the death of her husband within a very short time. My oldest clients (97, 94, 91) are a constant reminder of the good and bad of aging and how their lives were all made fuller through their marriages (one of them married for the second time in her 70's!). Life is short -- my 97 year old client smiled as he agreed with that -- what a wonderful, peaceful man he is!
Physically, I'm feeling a bit drained. I shoveled snow and did a lot of physical work during the past few weeks. I have taken on new clients any time I've been asked, working six days a week. I have agreed to be on stand-by on the weekends. I feel like I am falling back into my old habit of overworking, pushing myself beyond reasonable bounds. I know where this could lead and I'm rationalizing my behavior by reminding myself of my current fiscal limitations. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS CAN LEAD.
And I missed a few doses of meds -- not consecutive or the same meds. I don't think it has a large impact, but I know what a big difference those little doses make in my life.
However, yesterday I sang in the shower. It wasn't the bold, full-bodied singing that I felt like doing, but a timid, soft, comforting, non-neighbor irritating rendition of "Tomorrow." Then I did the green liquid-alcohol included cold medicine version on a friend's answering machine; it was neither timid, soft, nor comforting. Sheesh
My mind roams all over the place today. I doze off only to awaken with some strange idea -- something out of nowhere -- settled down in my mind for a long rest. I am questioning EVERY action that I've taken this year. Fortunately, the year is less than a month old! The self-doubt is strongest when I feel weakest.
My last job is in my head today. A bleak view of the future is in my head today. My doubts about reality versus my perceptions is in my head today. And maybe this is part of the reason I am physically ill. Things are festering inside me and I need to let those sores drain, dry up, and finally heal.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My Romantic Reality Checks
I will be the first to admit that I have little experience with romantic love. I know that in the past I would develop strong crushes that I would never reveal to the beloved. However, there has been a time or two that I have overwhelmed someone with expressions of my feelings, mainly because I had taken so long, years sometimes, to speak up.
It's been a long time since I've been involved with any man. I'm not sure I know what are realistic expectations. I put my heart on the line a little and have sustained a bruise -- nothing broken because I didn't invest myself that much. Tonight, while this is fresh on my mind, I'm going to set down some red flags, guidelines, or reality checks.
-- I will guard my heart if I feel that he is sending mixed signals and sort out what was actually said and done from what was my interpretation. If the issue is important enough to me, I will seek clarification from him. If the issue is not important to me, I will not put any more energy into it.
-- In addition to sharing all the good qualities I have, I will be open about those aspects of me that can be challenging. I will be open about who I am. If he is equally open, I will respect and appreciate that trust. I am a pretty straightforward person and I will remain true to who I am.
-- I acknowledge that I am a good listener. If he does most or all the talking, I will stay open to the idea that he only wants an audience. If he talks, but also expresses curiosity and interest in my life, I will remain open. If I fail to assert myself, I will try to determine why I am holding back.
-- I will not hold back expressing my enthusiasm until such a time that I feel it will be met with equal enthusiasm. I get excited about new opportunities, new things, new people in my life. I don't always express it, but I think it's time I quit squelching myself and give voice to my enthusiasm in all areas of my life.
-- I will remain true to who I am.
-- I will read my blog because this is a way that I am honest with myself. Had I been paying attention to what I have written, I would not have a bruised heart.
-- I will spend more time laughing than crying. I want a relationship with someone who shares my optimism (and sick sense of humor).
-- I will not spend time comparing him to my father or anyone else with whom I have had a negative relationship. If I begin doing this, I will immediately take a step back and closely examine my feelings.
It's been a long time since I've been involved with any man. I'm not sure I know what are realistic expectations. I put my heart on the line a little and have sustained a bruise -- nothing broken because I didn't invest myself that much. Tonight, while this is fresh on my mind, I'm going to set down some red flags, guidelines, or reality checks.
-- I will guard my heart if I feel that he is sending mixed signals and sort out what was actually said and done from what was my interpretation. If the issue is important enough to me, I will seek clarification from him. If the issue is not important to me, I will not put any more energy into it.
-- In addition to sharing all the good qualities I have, I will be open about those aspects of me that can be challenging. I will be open about who I am. If he is equally open, I will respect and appreciate that trust. I am a pretty straightforward person and I will remain true to who I am.
-- I acknowledge that I am a good listener. If he does most or all the talking, I will stay open to the idea that he only wants an audience. If he talks, but also expresses curiosity and interest in my life, I will remain open. If I fail to assert myself, I will try to determine why I am holding back.
-- I will not hold back expressing my enthusiasm until such a time that I feel it will be met with equal enthusiasm. I get excited about new opportunities, new things, new people in my life. I don't always express it, but I think it's time I quit squelching myself and give voice to my enthusiasm in all areas of my life.
-- I will remain true to who I am.
-- I will read my blog because this is a way that I am honest with myself. Had I been paying attention to what I have written, I would not have a bruised heart.
-- I will spend more time laughing than crying. I want a relationship with someone who shares my optimism (and sick sense of humor).
-- I will not spend time comparing him to my father or anyone else with whom I have had a negative relationship. If I begin doing this, I will immediately take a step back and closely examine my feelings.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Clarifying my intentions
On New Year's Day I stood up at church and proclaimed that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. All of these intentions will be fulfilled without harm to others and for the best good of all concerned.
"I am ready to welcome.." - I am in a state of mind and emotionally prepared to appreciate, properly use, act appropriately, and show gratitude for what I want to welcome into my life.
"prosperity" - Bountiful blessings, financial abundance, funds to give to causes I want to support, more than what I need to just survive, money for vacations and fun, money to save for later and eventually pass on to my son, the feeling that I have so much good in my life.
"good health" - No further deterioration except the natural changes that occur with aging, emotional and mental stability, a body that is strong and is a healthy weight.
"true friendships" - Several people in my life who share with me, who I can call on when I'm in need, who call on me when they need support, who will giggle with me, who share hugs when they are needed, who recognize when their presence is enough, who I can be quiet with.
"love" - Marriage to a man who is, first and foremost, my best friend and person who I most enjoy spending time with; a man who shares the same goals and dreams; a man of my generation; who loves me unconditionally; who sings duets in the shower; who loves dogs and other animals; who grows spiritually along with me; who is always learning and is full of wonder; who knows the importance of giggling and just acting silly; who pulls the covers over our heads so that we are together in a more intimate space; who laughs easily; who is not afraid to cry; who is generous with his attention, time, belongings, and money; who feels the healing to be found in Nature; who accepts me as I am; who is straightforward in expressing his love for me and who will win me over with his honesty and gentleness; who is protective of me; who shows me that I am loved and supported; who clearly communicates his feelings for me and who acts on those feelings; who leaves no doubt in my mind that I am loved and that he is the man who is worthy of my love; who is growing in the same direction as I am; who is kind and tolerant; who has experienced hard times and worked through them; who dances in the kitchen; who pursues me; who is creative; who likes to play board games; who I will not have to financially support; who enjoys quietly sharing a space; who knows that I'm "the one" and, at the best possible moment, tells me so.
"I am ready to welcome.." - I am in a state of mind and emotionally prepared to appreciate, properly use, act appropriately, and show gratitude for what I want to welcome into my life.
"prosperity" - Bountiful blessings, financial abundance, funds to give to causes I want to support, more than what I need to just survive, money for vacations and fun, money to save for later and eventually pass on to my son, the feeling that I have so much good in my life.
"good health" - No further deterioration except the natural changes that occur with aging, emotional and mental stability, a body that is strong and is a healthy weight.
"true friendships" - Several people in my life who share with me, who I can call on when I'm in need, who call on me when they need support, who will giggle with me, who share hugs when they are needed, who recognize when their presence is enough, who I can be quiet with.
"love" - Marriage to a man who is, first and foremost, my best friend and person who I most enjoy spending time with; a man who shares the same goals and dreams; a man of my generation; who loves me unconditionally; who sings duets in the shower; who loves dogs and other animals; who grows spiritually along with me; who is always learning and is full of wonder; who knows the importance of giggling and just acting silly; who pulls the covers over our heads so that we are together in a more intimate space; who laughs easily; who is not afraid to cry; who is generous with his attention, time, belongings, and money; who feels the healing to be found in Nature; who accepts me as I am; who is straightforward in expressing his love for me and who will win me over with his honesty and gentleness; who is protective of me; who shows me that I am loved and supported; who clearly communicates his feelings for me and who acts on those feelings; who leaves no doubt in my mind that I am loved and that he is the man who is worthy of my love; who is growing in the same direction as I am; who is kind and tolerant; who has experienced hard times and worked through them; who dances in the kitchen; who pursues me; who is creative; who likes to play board games; who I will not have to financially support; who enjoys quietly sharing a space; who knows that I'm "the one" and, at the best possible moment, tells me so.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year's Day and Intentions
New Year's Day has been quite strange so far. I also think I've experienced the plummet today. Should be charting my moods!
Church was wonderful and fed the part of me that has really been hungry. We had an opportunity to just speak up and state an intention or express what was in our hearts. I stood up, and without a shaky voice (hurrah!), I said that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. Wow
I'm very proud of myself for broadcasting what I am allowing into my life from this day forward. Wow. It felt so right.
Church was wonderful and fed the part of me that has really been hungry. We had an opportunity to just speak up and state an intention or express what was in our hearts. I stood up, and without a shaky voice (hurrah!), I said that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. Wow
I'm very proud of myself for broadcasting what I am allowing into my life from this day forward. Wow. It felt so right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)