I'm feeling better today and I'm working on creating an environment that reflects that. I've made a sizeable dent in the chaos, but I'm having trouble staying motivated. My mind is stuck in overwhelmed mode. Sheeesh
My mind is stuck on my finances. It has to get better. I will continue trying to work as many hours as I can talk them into assigning me WITHOUT EXHAUSTING MYSELF. I will do a better job of monitoring my expenses. Sheeesh
I've been quiet and calm most of today. I realized that I had forgotten to eat so I went out and grabbed a sandwich, an act that is off limits for the next three months. If things are better then, I'll revisit visiting the local eating establishments. Sheesh
I'm just feeling stuck. I can see a path forward, but I still haven't tied that to my intentions. I need to integrate the two, but I'm feeling too weary to deal with that right now. That's exactly why I should deal with it now. Sheesh
My big decision before bedtime? Whether I want to sleep on the couch or sleep in my bed. Sheesh
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sick Body, Sick Thoughts
Yep, I'm sick with some nasty something or other. I had planned to go back to work today, but my body had other plans. Interesting thing is that once I called in sick for the rest of the week, I had a sense of calm...still queasy, but a calm queasy.
What I have to start watching for is the way that my mood influences my physical health. It wouldn't hurt to consider how my physical health influences my mood, too. Mood and physical are both cruddy right now.
Emotionally and mood wise there are several influences. I have a client who is dealing with the high probability of the death of her husband within a very short time. My oldest clients (97, 94, 91) are a constant reminder of the good and bad of aging and how their lives were all made fuller through their marriages (one of them married for the second time in her 70's!). Life is short -- my 97 year old client smiled as he agreed with that -- what a wonderful, peaceful man he is!
Physically, I'm feeling a bit drained. I shoveled snow and did a lot of physical work during the past few weeks. I have taken on new clients any time I've been asked, working six days a week. I have agreed to be on stand-by on the weekends. I feel like I am falling back into my old habit of overworking, pushing myself beyond reasonable bounds. I know where this could lead and I'm rationalizing my behavior by reminding myself of my current fiscal limitations. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS CAN LEAD.
And I missed a few doses of meds -- not consecutive or the same meds. I don't think it has a large impact, but I know what a big difference those little doses make in my life.
However, yesterday I sang in the shower. It wasn't the bold, full-bodied singing that I felt like doing, but a timid, soft, comforting, non-neighbor irritating rendition of "Tomorrow." Then I did the green liquid-alcohol included cold medicine version on a friend's answering machine; it was neither timid, soft, nor comforting. Sheesh
My mind roams all over the place today. I doze off only to awaken with some strange idea -- something out of nowhere -- settled down in my mind for a long rest. I am questioning EVERY action that I've taken this year. Fortunately, the year is less than a month old! The self-doubt is strongest when I feel weakest.
My last job is in my head today. A bleak view of the future is in my head today. My doubts about reality versus my perceptions is in my head today. And maybe this is part of the reason I am physically ill. Things are festering inside me and I need to let those sores drain, dry up, and finally heal.
What I have to start watching for is the way that my mood influences my physical health. It wouldn't hurt to consider how my physical health influences my mood, too. Mood and physical are both cruddy right now.
Emotionally and mood wise there are several influences. I have a client who is dealing with the high probability of the death of her husband within a very short time. My oldest clients (97, 94, 91) are a constant reminder of the good and bad of aging and how their lives were all made fuller through their marriages (one of them married for the second time in her 70's!). Life is short -- my 97 year old client smiled as he agreed with that -- what a wonderful, peaceful man he is!
Physically, I'm feeling a bit drained. I shoveled snow and did a lot of physical work during the past few weeks. I have taken on new clients any time I've been asked, working six days a week. I have agreed to be on stand-by on the weekends. I feel like I am falling back into my old habit of overworking, pushing myself beyond reasonable bounds. I know where this could lead and I'm rationalizing my behavior by reminding myself of my current fiscal limitations. BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS CAN LEAD.
And I missed a few doses of meds -- not consecutive or the same meds. I don't think it has a large impact, but I know what a big difference those little doses make in my life.
However, yesterday I sang in the shower. It wasn't the bold, full-bodied singing that I felt like doing, but a timid, soft, comforting, non-neighbor irritating rendition of "Tomorrow." Then I did the green liquid-alcohol included cold medicine version on a friend's answering machine; it was neither timid, soft, nor comforting. Sheesh
My mind roams all over the place today. I doze off only to awaken with some strange idea -- something out of nowhere -- settled down in my mind for a long rest. I am questioning EVERY action that I've taken this year. Fortunately, the year is less than a month old! The self-doubt is strongest when I feel weakest.
My last job is in my head today. A bleak view of the future is in my head today. My doubts about reality versus my perceptions is in my head today. And maybe this is part of the reason I am physically ill. Things are festering inside me and I need to let those sores drain, dry up, and finally heal.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My Romantic Reality Checks
I will be the first to admit that I have little experience with romantic love. I know that in the past I would develop strong crushes that I would never reveal to the beloved. However, there has been a time or two that I have overwhelmed someone with expressions of my feelings, mainly because I had taken so long, years sometimes, to speak up.
It's been a long time since I've been involved with any man. I'm not sure I know what are realistic expectations. I put my heart on the line a little and have sustained a bruise -- nothing broken because I didn't invest myself that much. Tonight, while this is fresh on my mind, I'm going to set down some red flags, guidelines, or reality checks.
-- I will guard my heart if I feel that he is sending mixed signals and sort out what was actually said and done from what was my interpretation. If the issue is important enough to me, I will seek clarification from him. If the issue is not important to me, I will not put any more energy into it.
-- In addition to sharing all the good qualities I have, I will be open about those aspects of me that can be challenging. I will be open about who I am. If he is equally open, I will respect and appreciate that trust. I am a pretty straightforward person and I will remain true to who I am.
-- I acknowledge that I am a good listener. If he does most or all the talking, I will stay open to the idea that he only wants an audience. If he talks, but also expresses curiosity and interest in my life, I will remain open. If I fail to assert myself, I will try to determine why I am holding back.
-- I will not hold back expressing my enthusiasm until such a time that I feel it will be met with equal enthusiasm. I get excited about new opportunities, new things, new people in my life. I don't always express it, but I think it's time I quit squelching myself and give voice to my enthusiasm in all areas of my life.
-- I will remain true to who I am.
-- I will read my blog because this is a way that I am honest with myself. Had I been paying attention to what I have written, I would not have a bruised heart.
-- I will spend more time laughing than crying. I want a relationship with someone who shares my optimism (and sick sense of humor).
-- I will not spend time comparing him to my father or anyone else with whom I have had a negative relationship. If I begin doing this, I will immediately take a step back and closely examine my feelings.
It's been a long time since I've been involved with any man. I'm not sure I know what are realistic expectations. I put my heart on the line a little and have sustained a bruise -- nothing broken because I didn't invest myself that much. Tonight, while this is fresh on my mind, I'm going to set down some red flags, guidelines, or reality checks.
-- I will guard my heart if I feel that he is sending mixed signals and sort out what was actually said and done from what was my interpretation. If the issue is important enough to me, I will seek clarification from him. If the issue is not important to me, I will not put any more energy into it.
-- In addition to sharing all the good qualities I have, I will be open about those aspects of me that can be challenging. I will be open about who I am. If he is equally open, I will respect and appreciate that trust. I am a pretty straightforward person and I will remain true to who I am.
-- I acknowledge that I am a good listener. If he does most or all the talking, I will stay open to the idea that he only wants an audience. If he talks, but also expresses curiosity and interest in my life, I will remain open. If I fail to assert myself, I will try to determine why I am holding back.
-- I will not hold back expressing my enthusiasm until such a time that I feel it will be met with equal enthusiasm. I get excited about new opportunities, new things, new people in my life. I don't always express it, but I think it's time I quit squelching myself and give voice to my enthusiasm in all areas of my life.
-- I will remain true to who I am.
-- I will read my blog because this is a way that I am honest with myself. Had I been paying attention to what I have written, I would not have a bruised heart.
-- I will spend more time laughing than crying. I want a relationship with someone who shares my optimism (and sick sense of humor).
-- I will not spend time comparing him to my father or anyone else with whom I have had a negative relationship. If I begin doing this, I will immediately take a step back and closely examine my feelings.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Clarifying my intentions
On New Year's Day I stood up at church and proclaimed that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. All of these intentions will be fulfilled without harm to others and for the best good of all concerned.
"I am ready to welcome.." - I am in a state of mind and emotionally prepared to appreciate, properly use, act appropriately, and show gratitude for what I want to welcome into my life.
"prosperity" - Bountiful blessings, financial abundance, funds to give to causes I want to support, more than what I need to just survive, money for vacations and fun, money to save for later and eventually pass on to my son, the feeling that I have so much good in my life.
"good health" - No further deterioration except the natural changes that occur with aging, emotional and mental stability, a body that is strong and is a healthy weight.
"true friendships" - Several people in my life who share with me, who I can call on when I'm in need, who call on me when they need support, who will giggle with me, who share hugs when they are needed, who recognize when their presence is enough, who I can be quiet with.
"love" - Marriage to a man who is, first and foremost, my best friend and person who I most enjoy spending time with; a man who shares the same goals and dreams; a man of my generation; who loves me unconditionally; who sings duets in the shower; who loves dogs and other animals; who grows spiritually along with me; who is always learning and is full of wonder; who knows the importance of giggling and just acting silly; who pulls the covers over our heads so that we are together in a more intimate space; who laughs easily; who is not afraid to cry; who is generous with his attention, time, belongings, and money; who feels the healing to be found in Nature; who accepts me as I am; who is straightforward in expressing his love for me and who will win me over with his honesty and gentleness; who is protective of me; who shows me that I am loved and supported; who clearly communicates his feelings for me and who acts on those feelings; who leaves no doubt in my mind that I am loved and that he is the man who is worthy of my love; who is growing in the same direction as I am; who is kind and tolerant; who has experienced hard times and worked through them; who dances in the kitchen; who pursues me; who is creative; who likes to play board games; who I will not have to financially support; who enjoys quietly sharing a space; who knows that I'm "the one" and, at the best possible moment, tells me so.
"I am ready to welcome.." - I am in a state of mind and emotionally prepared to appreciate, properly use, act appropriately, and show gratitude for what I want to welcome into my life.
"prosperity" - Bountiful blessings, financial abundance, funds to give to causes I want to support, more than what I need to just survive, money for vacations and fun, money to save for later and eventually pass on to my son, the feeling that I have so much good in my life.
"good health" - No further deterioration except the natural changes that occur with aging, emotional and mental stability, a body that is strong and is a healthy weight.
"true friendships" - Several people in my life who share with me, who I can call on when I'm in need, who call on me when they need support, who will giggle with me, who share hugs when they are needed, who recognize when their presence is enough, who I can be quiet with.
"love" - Marriage to a man who is, first and foremost, my best friend and person who I most enjoy spending time with; a man who shares the same goals and dreams; a man of my generation; who loves me unconditionally; who sings duets in the shower; who loves dogs and other animals; who grows spiritually along with me; who is always learning and is full of wonder; who knows the importance of giggling and just acting silly; who pulls the covers over our heads so that we are together in a more intimate space; who laughs easily; who is not afraid to cry; who is generous with his attention, time, belongings, and money; who feels the healing to be found in Nature; who accepts me as I am; who is straightforward in expressing his love for me and who will win me over with his honesty and gentleness; who is protective of me; who shows me that I am loved and supported; who clearly communicates his feelings for me and who acts on those feelings; who leaves no doubt in my mind that I am loved and that he is the man who is worthy of my love; who is growing in the same direction as I am; who is kind and tolerant; who has experienced hard times and worked through them; who dances in the kitchen; who pursues me; who is creative; who likes to play board games; who I will not have to financially support; who enjoys quietly sharing a space; who knows that I'm "the one" and, at the best possible moment, tells me so.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year's Day and Intentions
New Year's Day has been quite strange so far. I also think I've experienced the plummet today. Should be charting my moods!
Church was wonderful and fed the part of me that has really been hungry. We had an opportunity to just speak up and state an intention or express what was in our hearts. I stood up, and without a shaky voice (hurrah!), I said that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. Wow
I'm very proud of myself for broadcasting what I am allowing into my life from this day forward. Wow. It felt so right.
Church was wonderful and fed the part of me that has really been hungry. We had an opportunity to just speak up and state an intention or express what was in our hearts. I stood up, and without a shaky voice (hurrah!), I said that I am ready to welcome prosperity, good health, true friendships, and love into my life. Wow
I'm very proud of myself for broadcasting what I am allowing into my life from this day forward. Wow. It felt so right.
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