The family that I wanted

A few weeks ago a sermon at church dealt with marriage. The result was a flood of memories and feelings. I ended up bombarding someone with a discourse on my only marriage, the rejection by a long term boyfriend, and my hope that someday I'll have a healthy marriage. Although I've included a healthy relationship in my intentions, there is a little part of me that has a hard time believing that it will happen. My disclosures led to disclosures by the person with whom I was talking. I am honored that I was trusted with that bit of sharing.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."

"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.

All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.

No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.

Sometimes the worst is not inevitable

I've been juggling many things in my life. Finances are the most stressful right now. I've talked with a credit counselor and was advised to seek legal assistance. The counselor assured me that there was no longer any stigma attached to filing bankruptcy. But it still just doesn't sit right with me. I'll give it more thought.

Gloom and doom are plaguing me today. It's sunny outside and I have chosen to stay in my cave. I've actually done some work toward dejunking the place! But now I just feel weary.

Haven't been to church in a couple of weeks, but intend to go tomorrow. The topic is marriage. That's something I am now willing to accept into my life so I am especially interested in what might be said.

I binged on chocolate and drank too much coffee; however, I have been taking my meds as prescribed. And the chocolate was dark chocolate -- purely medicinal.

Short early morning shifts are wearing me out. Saturday and Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is sleeping in, I'm driving across town for a two hour shift that begins at 7:00 a.m. I am weary. Instead of being outside in the sunshine and joining in St. Patrick's Day celebrations, I just want to sleep, to pull the quilt up over my ears, close my eyes, and get aboard a comfy cloud.

I have a friend! It seems like I don't have to be lonely any more. I am so happy that I know her and that we are so similar. We giggle together, but are also not shy about confronting the other when necessary. I feel good!

Today I have a candle burning for my observance of the new moon. Sometimes, when I really need the grounding, I'll light the candle a few days before the new moon and light it afresh each day until a few days afterward. I need that grounding right now.

I'm starting to treat myself like I am my own client. It's time to be my own caregiver. The neglect is ending now.

I thought that EVENTUALLY I'd get this right!

Well, here I am again whining about missing meds.

I've been tired and weary and not down upon the Swanee River. I've been making this type of comment out loud. My clients just shake their heads, comment about my imagination, or just call me weird. That should have been my first clue.

My schedule has undergone radical change. My original clients have moved or died. I didn't think I'd grieve, but I have.

I'm sleeping more than usual, but remain tired. I'm up and down all night. Everything hurts. I fall asleep soon after I get home. I fall asleep after I eat. I fall asleep just about any time I get still.

March is never-ending. I know it has just begun, but the light is refusing to come back and the rain is non-stop. I've been pretty good about keeping lights on and using my GLAD light, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

My new batch of clients, with one exception, keep their homes very, very cold. And I'm excessively cold right now. Of course, if I had enough money to go to the doctor and get back on my thyroid medication that might change. Or maybe if I were still taking Vitamin D, I'd see a difference.

I just loaded my washing machine and realized that I wore the same outfit all week. Every day the same items of clothing! That's quite a stinky red flag!

However, I am staying in touch with my friends and son. I have good food in the house. I'm doing a better than average job of managing my finances. I talked with a bill collector without crying. I'm taking good care of my clients. I'm making plans to play piano again and that feels very good! I go to church most Sundays.

I'm taking better care of my clients than I am of myself and I need to turn that around. I need health care coverage so that I can address all my health issues. Once again, I need to rethink how I make a living.

There's a way to get this right and I'll find it. And as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! Sheesh, my mind is jumping around! Down, mind!