The month for what?
That's the question that I'm pondering.
Will it be the month in which I finally complete the process of applying for Medicaid? I certainly hope so. I'm not exactly sure why I've been slow to follow up on the previous application. I know that my financial situation has certainly changed since that application was submitted and I want to be sure that I'm responding with accurate information. At least that's the excuse I'm using right now.
I think it goes deeper though. There weren't many things that my father tried to impress upon my sister and me. The big one was never to seek out charity, accept charity, or give anyone the impression that help is needed. Of course, this is also the man who started a dinner time conversation by asking if we'd rather die from being too cold or too hot (we all agreed that we'd rather have our eternal slumber occur as a humansicle). He also told me that shooting into the roof of the mouth into the brain was a more effective method of suicide than shooting a bullet into one of the temples. He explained how a special bullet would further increase the odds of blowing out the brains rather than causing an injury that would only cripple. He was also responsible for the poster of what I believe was Custer's last stand that hung on my bedroom wall when I was very young. Scalps on the ground. Indian about to remove another one. It was a great source of nightmares.
Fear. Fear has been the driving force behind many of my actions. It's also been the weight that supported not taking action. I offered to submit a modified version of a previous post to our local NAMI chapter to be used in the bulletin. I was afraid it would not be good enough. I was afraid that I couldn't publish it anonymously. I was afraid to let it reach an audience, to no longer be safely hidden in the realm of published posts that go unread. Here there is the satisfaction of having said my piece, but the reassurance that no one will ever associate it with me.
I'm not ready for a cold eternal slumber. Besides July is not exactly conducive to that option. July is going to be the month I abandon inertia and start traveling at a snail's pace. It's the best I can do right now.
