Yep, I'm not completely, perfectly, faithfully taking my meds. Today the sun is shining and I am attributing my hovering a few inches above the sidewalk mood to the weather. But I know the truth.
The truth is that today at church I became engaged in one of the most stimulating conversations I've had in decades. I've felt entrenched in middle-age malaise headed rapidly toward senior slumber.
I could use this blog to explore more issues related to mental health. I could use this blog to invite people into my mind, to form new connections, to fight atrophy and apathy. Time to broaden my narrow worldview.
The important thing is that today I experienced an awakening of a long slumbering part of myself.
(writing interrupted by panicked search for possibly lost wallet)
I think I'm on a pretty even keel today.
I've thought of becoming more vocal about the proposal to develop a list of people with mental illness as a tool to prevent gun purchases by individuals who are perceived as potential killers. The list would be very, very long. Such a list would have included my father who was in law enforcement and who only occasionally accepted help for depression. He may have killed in the Korean War, he was prepared to kill -- if deemed necessary -- in the course of his employment, and he kept a gun and special bullets that he used to kill himself.
Do I stay silent due to cowardice or just because fear is my old companion and therefore easier to embrace?
This post is taking an unusually long time to write because there is a parade of dog walkers passing by outside my window. Then there are these lovely hills that I can see just over the tops of the mobile homes that surround me. And I don't know what kind of bush it is that's starting to bloom outside my window and as much as I'd enjoy seeing that I'm worried about it blocking my view and adding to my feelings of being jailed. I want to go out, but really just want to curl up and dream while doing web searches of all the new things I learned of today. If I can remember all the words that sent me hovering. If I can shift into a slower gear without coming to a full halt.
And the mood shifts.
