Cheery at Work, Gloomy at Home

I think I am an excellent caregiver because I work to make my clients' lives easier and I work to bring them a little joy with each visit.

Today's challenge is dealing with the loss of two clients -- one who relocated and one who died. Both events occurred earlier in the week, but not until today have I begun to deal with my feelings. The rest of this week was spent in taking care of my remaining clients.

One client was a 97 year old man. He was frail, but was still strong enough to get in and out of his wheelchair on his own and to operate the manual chair by himself. At the end of each visit, he said goodbye with a big smile. He taught me about how to care for a dying loved one. When his wife was terminally ill, he was her caregiver. She loved soaking in the bathtub, but was no longer able to do so. My client would help her get into the tub and hold her so that she could safely enjoy her soak. That's love. He fell, broke his hip, survived the surgery, but never came out of recovery. I will miss his smile.

The second client moved to another state. She was my very first client so I am especially sad. Her husband is in a facility and he is dying. Because this may be a very long process, his family and her family decided it was best for her to go live with her family in another state. She and her husband were both widowed and were married in their 70's. They were both so frail, but continued to try to physically take care of each other and also to maintain their independence. They reluctantly parted on their anniversary. She showed me how to be graceful and strong under adverse circumstances. I will miss her laugh. Someday I hope to have a loving relationship like theirs.

But today I grieve and light a candle for them.

On Monday I want to be cheery, helpful, and bring some joy to my clients. Today, I'm still in my cave and it's dark and cluttered and joy is absent. I will begin thinking about how I can best care for myself when these circumstances arise again. Since I enjoy working with people in their 80's and 90's, the circumstances will arise again.

February: Reasons I am Staying in My Cave

Another thing I learned while reading my old journal is that February has consistently been a bad month for me. And I think that's still true.

I want to go to church today. Our minister is leaving in June and I don't want to miss any of his sermons. Today's sermon is on knowing when to leave and knowing when to stay. Talk about a sermon that I need to hear right now!

If I were faithfully charting my mood (I HAVE to get back on track with that!), I suspect it would show that I'm at or near the bottom. I'm a bit weepy today. Since I often cry in church and I am already weepy, I'm using that as the rationalization for not going today. I also don't have ANY clean clothes. And I still can't find a complete pair of shoes except the ones I wear for work. And, if I keep thinking, I'll come up with some more excuses.

As much as I want to hear today's sermon, I really don't feel up to it today. I don't want to think about the minister leaving -- he's been a very important reason that I've attended faithfully. I'm happy in the community, just very, very sad that we are losing our spiritual leader. It also feels like there is some feud between members -- I don't want to be around all the drama.

I've been faithfully using the GLAD light(Glorious Lumination Against Depression) and the past few days have been gloriously sunny. But my cave is safe and becoming quite womb-like (warm, dark, barely room to move around, quiet except for sound that comes through the walls from the apartments of my neighbors).

(I trekked to the closest Starbucks for excessive caffeine, discovered that the power is out in half of the town, saw the frosting on the grass, felt the crisp air, then got myself back inside!)

It's Super Bowl Sunday, but for me I think it's going to be Super Bawl Sunday; I won't fight my body's need to release the tears.

Revisiting Journals of the Past

I happened upon a journal that I began in January 2006 and ended in the Spring of 2010 (just prior to my hospitalization). In it are comments about the last days of a former job including my worries about being fired for some unknown reason, my plans to relocate out of state (running away?), the move, life in apartment 1 and then apartment 2, nine months of unemployment after moving here, my most recent former job, and two instances of worrying about being fired from my last job(same people involved, same type of fear). Had I read this prior to the latest "I'm getting fired" instance, perhaps I would have questioned my behavior. If I had known that my brain can cause me to think I am hearing my name, I could have avoided working myself up.

One of the things I did well in this journal was discover patterns. There's the "I'm getting fired" scenario. There was a list of all the jobs I've had, why I left them (usually feeling overworked and under appreciated), my lack of friendships and romantic relationships, my worries about my son and mother, my awareness of the patterns, and the feeling of helplessness, of having no hope of ever getting things right.

Having had parents who were probably mentally ill (father - depressed, mother - possibly bipolar) and who isolated our family, how was I to know what was normal? I discovered ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and identified with them. They had many tools that I continue to use, a website with message boards, and I have attended some online meetings. The recovery tools help me put things back in perspective when I start heading down the worry path, which I don't do as often thanks to meds and new tools that I've acquired.

I am so glad that I know and accept my diagnosis -- know and accept myself. While I feel down because I sometimes have little hope of having normal relationships with other people -- friendships, family connections, romantic relationships, co-worker relationships -- I keep coming back to how much I figured out on my own. I was able to step back from my behaviors. Now I will continue to apply that knowledge and continue building a better life.

Trigger Five Identified: Hunger

My mind feels stuck on negatives. I also haven't eaten in about 24 hours. No appetite. Illness is making everything taste blah.

I did not eat until the evening, after I had finally gone to the grocery. Of course, shopping on an empty stomach does not lead to wise decisions. Instant gratification! Sugar, sugar, sugar! Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine! BREAD!!!! But the proportion of good food is improving. I've been adding more protein...again.

This is the area where I've backslid the most. My income has varied so much during the past year and has such a large impact on the quality of food that I eat.

I also learned much about food preparation and storage from one of my clients. Time to use that knowledge.

Have to work more on eating better food and remembering to eat.

Ways I am not being true to myself.

Back to lessons I've learned from having encounters with my fellow humans...

If something is said to me that I choose to feel hurt about, in the past I have sometimes done or said something to them that I expect them to find hurtful. Then, whether or not the other party has expressed hurt, I apologize. The other party never does. I apologize because I think it is very important to acknowledge my own hurtful actions and try to make amends for them. I only want people in my life that share this value and I will let go of the hurt and move on.

I have been sick and I have been taking naps when the office is closed for the day. Today I began my nap after I got home, which was still during office hours. What a beautiful, deep sleep I experienced. I missed two calls asking me to substitute. I followed up and learned that someone else had been obtained. However, I still feel slight guilt that I was napping at a time when I needed to be on call.

I have a man in my mind. I should know better because this will probably not have a happy-ever-after ending. I first noticed him because he was alone and appeared to be hurting. Caregiving instincts kicked in. I also sensed that we had a lot in common and we do. This is not an auspicious start. I deserve someone who meets my "love" intentions and I won't settle for less.