(Well, they're not exactly readers, but they do provide the stats that provide the illusion of someone occasionally reading my rantings and perhaps profiting from the experience. But the best part is just knowing that when I visit Romania, the Ukraine, Ghana, or other exotic locales I will feel that I am among friends, or at least acquaintances, or perhaps I will just once more feel used and abused. I can't wait! It should only take me 37.5 years to accumulate enough airline miles to make this dream a reality!)
There are good reasons for not having written for so long and most of them are attached to people who have trusted me to care for them. Yes, I am still a workaholic. But this time around I am not working around the clock to increase the profits of a company, My wages are small, but I receive smiles, lovely stories, and occasionally homemade baked goods.
There are little healthy patches developing in my brain. Slippery slopes are spotted quickly and a STOP RIGHT NOW sign pops up. Sometimes the sign needs some reinforcing, but for the most part I am feeling the possibility of having control. I see chances for change to be achieved.
I have ups and downs, but they aren't as steep or as deep. I spend more time in the present. I am still safely in my closet, but have begun opening the door just a crack to see who might be near.
I know how to BREATHE.
Meds can help. Now on the 6th or 7th system of tracking and reminding. At least I now can connect non-compliance with resurfacing symptoms.
When the amount of oil and dirt in my hair can be measures in cups, I know I will find my way to the shower. When the refrigerator starts talking, I say these words out loud: You're not real!
My world is still very small and I am still cautious about opening the door to let others in. But I do know that there are safe people. I still feel alone, but I now know that I'm not ever alone. I have only to drop in to the NAMI support group to find members of my tribe. I know who I can trust.
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