The family that I wanted

A few weeks ago a sermon at church dealt with marriage. The result was a flood of memories and feelings. I ended up bombarding someone with a discourse on my only marriage, the rejection by a long term boyfriend, and my hope that someday I'll have a healthy marriage. Although I've included a healthy relationship in my intentions, there is a little part of me that has a hard time believing that it will happen. My disclosures led to disclosures by the person with whom I was talking. I am honored that I was trusted with that bit of sharing.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."

"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.

All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.

No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.