Becoming Crashproof

My newest goal is to become crashproof in spite of anything life tosses my way or how I sabotage myself.

Other terms are used, but "crash" best describes my experience. Life is just too much, all circuits overload, the will to push on disappears, and I find myself on the floor unable to move forward. Just unable to move. Then the "why bother" thoughts enter my head and I look for a quick exit. When that fails, I update myself to the next version. I am currently version 1.8.

Prior to each crash I believed that I was doing my best, just being a superhuman good girl. I believed that what I was doing would make a difference and I was taking care of everyone. Then everything stopped. No motion at all. The truth is that I really did do my best for a while. There was no gauge to indicate that the fire and determination were no longer serving as fuel, but instead were destructive elements. No idiot light to indicate that my engine was overheating.

I laid there on the floor while others picked up the pieces and restored order to chaos. While on the floor, I could see no future, felt no energy, lacked the ability to continue forward, and then acted on that lack of vision.

"No" has become part of my vocabulary, but it is not used often enough. I see myself heading in an unhealthy direction and start applying "no" as needed. At least for a while. Then the panic kicks in and I worry about surviving. Just basic physical survival.

I am so lucky to finally understand why I have experienced crashes and to have some new tools to stave off future occurrences. After each crash it feels as though a new life begins. In the past, shame and fear have closed doors through relocation or by simply disconnecting with anything and anyone associated with the crash. All the old is cast off and new is acquired. I have no lifelong friends, there are no connections to family members, and the only person I have wanted to remain in my life is my son. The process of starting over is time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. And exhaustion leads to...

This time the toolbox is open, my new true friends are standing by, and I'm wearing my helmet.