Tonight is the first time I have worked an overnight shift. It is not even completely dark outside and I am the only one still awake. There is a motion sensor in my client's room so I will know when his feet hit the floor and can run into the room and assist him in safely standing and in toileting. I've brought a couple of books, have plans to do some work online, and will probably watch a little television. Ideally, I should be napping so that I am conserving my energy for the times when my client will need me. Of course, I will probably be wide awake until 30 minutes before the shift ends.
Thoughts that are running through my head:
I need to quit worrying about future encounters with the man I had a crush on. Just let it go. I have worried that I have been a pest, that I have... I just worry. Stay in now. What's done is done. But I still feel sad. And embarrassed. I am socially inept and have not been faithfully taking my medications. That's a loaded combination. Although I want to send him a birthday greeting, I won't because I don't want to be perceived as a pest.
I need to get back on my meds. Today I purchased two of the three meds that I should be taking. They are now a permanent part of my budget. With the help of the Zoloft and Lamictal, I should get back on an even keel. However, I am having some troubling symptoms and I recognize that I would really benefit from getting back on the Xyprexa. That one little pill would really help lower my level of worry, fear, near-paranoia, and self-doubt. Of course, I need to do other work to support the meds, but there is no denying that my quality of life improves when all three drugs are used.
I want to spend more time with my son. Since I started working seven days a week I have spent very little time in contact with him. I miss him. I'll keep trying to find time for us, but I won't pester him.
I will remind myself that loneliness doesn't have to last forever. Although I've made a couple of good friends, I find that the circumstances of my work lends itself to feeling lonely. Most of my clients are alone. They are glad to see me and I am glad to exchange their trust for my companionship. Professionalism dictates that this should be a one-way exchange. I often find myself feeling lonelier after a visit. I dwell on the fact that so many of us are alone, will end each day alone, will wither and die alone. I see what an important role that community plays in our lives. My work schedule leads to isolation -- tonight's a great example. It feels like more and more we are all moving toward a life of isolation.
I have to take good care of myself. I've had many bad thoughts lately. What's the use in trying? Does anything I do make a bit of difference? How can I escape from this life? I know these thoughts won't last and that the meds will help keep them at bay, but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that these feelings exist. I'm trying to ride them out and remind myself that I will be stronger when this phase passes.
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