Over the twelve month period between my diagnosis and the discovery of the correct meds (Zoloft, Lamictal, and Zyprexa), I've made a number of commitments -- commitments I'm now reassessing. I only worked about a month during the last twelve months. While working toward a state of balance, I did volunteer work, read the books I've meant to read, explored my creativity and spirituality, and did dozens of things for which I never had time pre-diagnosis.
Prior to my diagnosis I was Superwoman (not manic Superwoman, just hypo-manic Superwoman; the difference lies in how high and how long I could fly). I was the employee who was first to volunteer, who never complained about overtime, who took on assignments without considering whether I could or should take on another task. My boss loved me and my co-workers hated me. Now I am beginning a job where I am assigned work and there is no chance for me to take on any more. That's a VERY good thing.
However, I've continued to volunteer and I have often accepted additional projects for several committees. I needed ways to keep myself busy and I saw the good that came from my efforts. Most of this time we were still juggling dosages and my environment was usually stress free. Now that I have a job, I realize that I may not have enough time to meet my commitments or I may not have taken into account how the stress (both positive and negative) would exacerbate my mild side-effects and thereby impact the performance of the tasks.
Overall, my meds do a good job. A remaining symptom that is sometimes problematic (especially when I'm feeling stressed) is that my mind still tries to interpret some mechanical sounds (a refrigerator motor running, air conditioning, the water pump in the aquarium) as words -- my name being the most common interpretation. I know that the words my mind creates are not true reflections of the sounds; I feel like I have this under control and it has no negative effect on the quality of my life.
I regard my side-effects as mild; they are language and memory related. I feel thick-tongued and words come out slightly modified. As an example, I might say "kick" instead of "quick," "flight" instead of "fight," or have other similar words come out of my mouth instead of the word that I wanted to say. I can quickly make the correction, but I fear being perceived as an idiot. I sometimes can't find the word or name, but after running through the alphabet in my mind, I arrive at the correct word. There are similar problems with writing. I re-read, re-read, and re-read everything that I write. There are few typos, but are often many missing words, incorrect numbers, or other problems that makes the text difficult to understand or incorrect. The writing problem bugs me, but I have adopted methods to work around this that work about 99% of the time. I am mildly disorganized, which has never been a problem in the past; in fact, I was known for my organizational skills. Again, I can make corrections, but am concerned about the perception. I don't think that my ability to perform the jobs are impaired. I don't know if I want to come out of the closet in order to explain to those individuals with whom I work closely that I'm really not spacey or unqualified to perform these duties. Or if that just might make things worse. Crazy, spacey, and incompetent.
I don't know the solution to this yet, but am taking it to the big white board and have given myself three weeks to sort it out.
Maybe I could convince everyone that I have ill fitting dentures or have two left-hands or love to rhyme...
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