Wow. This may be hypomania speaking (haven't been charting my moods for the past few weeks), but I do believe I'm experiencing a larger change.
The earliest I remember being happy was age 3. I remember little moments of happiness after that, but pretty much everything from 5 on was characterized by a sense of resignation, hopelessness, being a captive of my parents, being responsible for my mother and sister, and receiving that responsibility from my father.
I've been remembering little things about my father lately. No more anger on my part. Just little memories -- sharpening his hunting knife with a whetstone, chasing off a king snake with a stick, his protectiveness toward small animals.
Learning my diagnosis and taking meds has not only been life changing, it's been life restoring. I'm feeling pieces emerging of the girl who wanted to be a cowgirl like Dale Evans (feminine and adventurous) or a pioneer like Amelia Earhart (taking on new challenges and being fearless), or gentle, nurturing, creative, and independent like my grandmother.
Wow. Can't wait to see how I apply this feeling of strength!
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