Revisiting Journals of the Past

I happened upon a journal that I began in January 2006 and ended in the Spring of 2010 (just prior to my hospitalization). In it are comments about the last days of a former job including my worries about being fired for some unknown reason, my plans to relocate out of state (running away?), the move, life in apartment 1 and then apartment 2, nine months of unemployment after moving here, my most recent former job, and two instances of worrying about being fired from my last job(same people involved, same type of fear). Had I read this prior to the latest "I'm getting fired" instance, perhaps I would have questioned my behavior. If I had known that my brain can cause me to think I am hearing my name, I could have avoided working myself up.

One of the things I did well in this journal was discover patterns. There's the "I'm getting fired" scenario. There was a list of all the jobs I've had, why I left them (usually feeling overworked and under appreciated), my lack of friendships and romantic relationships, my worries about my son and mother, my awareness of the patterns, and the feeling of helplessness, of having no hope of ever getting things right.

Having had parents who were probably mentally ill (father - depressed, mother - possibly bipolar) and who isolated our family, how was I to know what was normal? I discovered ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and identified with them. They had many tools that I continue to use, a website with message boards, and I have attended some online meetings. The recovery tools help me put things back in perspective when I start heading down the worry path, which I don't do as often thanks to meds and new tools that I've acquired.

I am so glad that I know and accept my diagnosis -- know and accept myself. While I feel down because I sometimes have little hope of having normal relationships with other people -- friendships, family connections, romantic relationships, co-worker relationships -- I keep coming back to how much I figured out on my own. I was able to step back from my behaviors. Now I will continue to apply that knowledge and continue building a better life.