Shame. Pure and simple shame.
Two of my friends recently mentioned to me that they have no idea where I live. I've remained quiet.
One friend is so very, very much like me. She has trusted me enough to invite me to visit her home and I found that her place looks very much like mine. Hooray! But I've yet to demonstrate that same level of trust in her and I really want to understand why.
I grew up with absolutely no control over my environment. My room never felt like my own space, my belongings never really felt like they belonged to me, and I felt more like a prisoner, an unwanted guest, than a family member. My first few apartments were shared with roommates. I never completely unpacked at any of those places. Whenever possible, I rented two bedroom apartments so I'd have a place to hide the chaos. I have become quite adept at stashing, hiding, misdirecting, and camouflaging.
After my son was born I fooled myself into believing that he was the source of chaos. He made nests around the house. After he left home, there were still nests. I had to accept responsibility.
Why is it so hard to get the dirty dishes off the counter and into the dishwasher, the clean clothes transferred from the pile to drawers and closet, and why are half-empty fast food soda cups the majority of the items in my refrigerator? Sheesh
My goal this week is to demonstrate my trust in my friend. She has accepted me unconditionally; I just need to accept that and give her evidence that I also accept her friendship.
It's time to regroup yet again.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Flying at low altitude
In an earlier post I mentioned that, thanks to lack of funds and medical insurance, I have not been taking my thyroid medication or the megadoses of Vitamin D3 that transformed me from zombie to human being.
Like just before learning my diagnosis, I was dragging around, sleeping all the time, forgetting to eat, skipping showers, and even not bothering to change clothes. Then I discovered a lovely supplement that gives my body all kinds of goodies. I am awake again.
I learned the hard way that when replacing one vitamin with another supplement it is a good idea to remove the original pill from the mediset. I was bouncing off the walls -- a little hypomania. Okay, I felt good and I was definitely experiencing hypomania.
An additional benefit of taking the supplement is that I am beginning to lose weight again. Not a significant loss so far, but a clear downward trend. I had to find some smaller pants to wear to work. Today I was in danger of my pants falling down while I was showering one of my clients. Dropping my drawers is not a method I use to make my clients feel comfortable.
Like just before learning my diagnosis, I was dragging around, sleeping all the time, forgetting to eat, skipping showers, and even not bothering to change clothes. Then I discovered a lovely supplement that gives my body all kinds of goodies. I am awake again.
I learned the hard way that when replacing one vitamin with another supplement it is a good idea to remove the original pill from the mediset. I was bouncing off the walls -- a little hypomania. Okay, I felt good and I was definitely experiencing hypomania.
An additional benefit of taking the supplement is that I am beginning to lose weight again. Not a significant loss so far, but a clear downward trend. I had to find some smaller pants to wear to work. Today I was in danger of my pants falling down while I was showering one of my clients. Dropping my drawers is not a method I use to make my clients feel comfortable.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Not Eating and Consequences
This week I've been reminded of the consequences of not eating. Lethargy, dizziness, faintness, fuzzy thinking, among others.
I think I forgot to eat for two days. Not sure what happened there, but I became aware of the situation while I was with a client. It felt like a sudden drop in blood sugar and I asked my client for the only sweet thing I could see on his counter. Fortunately, my shift was over and I sat in my car eating the cookies and waiting for a sign of improvement. I felt well enough to drive home on the freeway. A few days later I was grocery shopping and the same feeling suddenly came over me. I immediately moved to the checkout, picked up a soda, and took a big gulp before leaving the store. After I consumed about half of the bottle, my symptoms improved dramatically.
It dawned on me that as soon as I did a better job on being compliant with my meds, I neglected my health in another way. It's bad enough that I'm not getting my thyroid medication and don't have money to see a doctor or dentist, but I'm self-sabotaging. I'm in a little hole.
I'm participating in a class at my church on UU identity. We're given questions to answer which will help us realize how we define our spiritual self. I couldn't get past the first question: who am I at my core. I wrote three or four lines, scratched out most of it, and was left with three bleak sentences: I am a lost child. I have wandered aimlessly for lifetimes. I am a lost weary child.
Pretty good barometer there.
One of the consequences of not eating is fatigue. By sleeping many, many hours, my little brain worked on healing me. I had lovely, lovely dreams. I awoke knowing the answer to the burning question of the previous day. My mood improved. I realized the harm I had done to myself. I tested my blood sugar. I set alarms on my cell phone to prompt me to eat. I put snacks in my purse. When my clients had lunch or breakfast, I pulled a sandwich from my purse and shared the meal with them.
It's hard to admit that I'm still self-destructive. There's no overt attempt to kill myself, but I sure have been causing short term harm.
Today's task: There is an apartment inspection on Monday and I have to find hiding places for all my stuff. Chaos reigns. Thank goodness for big plastic containers!
I think I forgot to eat for two days. Not sure what happened there, but I became aware of the situation while I was with a client. It felt like a sudden drop in blood sugar and I asked my client for the only sweet thing I could see on his counter. Fortunately, my shift was over and I sat in my car eating the cookies and waiting for a sign of improvement. I felt well enough to drive home on the freeway. A few days later I was grocery shopping and the same feeling suddenly came over me. I immediately moved to the checkout, picked up a soda, and took a big gulp before leaving the store. After I consumed about half of the bottle, my symptoms improved dramatically.
It dawned on me that as soon as I did a better job on being compliant with my meds, I neglected my health in another way. It's bad enough that I'm not getting my thyroid medication and don't have money to see a doctor or dentist, but I'm self-sabotaging. I'm in a little hole.
I'm participating in a class at my church on UU identity. We're given questions to answer which will help us realize how we define our spiritual self. I couldn't get past the first question: who am I at my core. I wrote three or four lines, scratched out most of it, and was left with three bleak sentences: I am a lost child. I have wandered aimlessly for lifetimes. I am a lost weary child.
Pretty good barometer there.
One of the consequences of not eating is fatigue. By sleeping many, many hours, my little brain worked on healing me. I had lovely, lovely dreams. I awoke knowing the answer to the burning question of the previous day. My mood improved. I realized the harm I had done to myself. I tested my blood sugar. I set alarms on my cell phone to prompt me to eat. I put snacks in my purse. When my clients had lunch or breakfast, I pulled a sandwich from my purse and shared the meal with them.
It's hard to admit that I'm still self-destructive. There's no overt attempt to kill myself, but I sure have been causing short term harm.
Today's task: There is an apartment inspection on Monday and I have to find hiding places for all my stuff. Chaos reigns. Thank goodness for big plastic containers!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
BP2 Employees
Remember where you are....BP does not stand for British Petroleum.
My current employment seldom provides 40 hours of work. Fortunately, I am still eligible for some unemployment benefits. But I'm still unable to meet my basic expenses.
While continuing to seek out a full time job that would actually meet my budget requirements and would not lead to a meltdown, I keep rehearsing interviews...
THEM: Please explain the large number of absences during the final year at your last place of employment.
ME: Well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Layoffs were beginning and the environment was increasingly stressful. Then more stressful stuff happened, I had a meltdown, then self-medicated by taking all the pills in my house. I spent a week at a retreat where they helped me relax and develop coping skills and gave me a list of vitamins and such that would be helpful. Then I went back to work for a few weeks, where it was obvious that I still needed to practice my coping skills. So I did. For a month. I really wanted to perfect my coping skills so I took another few months to practice. When I got back, I had a little accident which led to the claim I filed, but I did stay at work. Shortly thereafter, I was invited to a meeting with some other employees and we were invited to leave the building. I was surprised because I had already demonstrated how much trouble I had coping with stress.
******
THEM: The only opening we have available is on third shift. Would that be a problem for you?
ME: Probably not a big problem. I might have a problem staying alert since I do have to take one of those anti-something drugs at night. That wouldn't be a problem, would it?
******
THEM: Are you able to perform well in a high energy environment?
ME: Not a problem! I may sometimes appear to be a little slow, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour! There's nothing I can't do! You'll get quite a bargain with me because I can easily do the work of two or even three people! Think how much money I'll save the company! I will be in a room by myself, won't I?
*****
THEM: Describe the environment in which you are most productive.
ME: I will be able to discuss my uh... accomoda... work station adjustment needs with HR, right?
THEM: We'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.
************
I've read a couple of good books about BPs at work, found some websites that provided helpful information, and I must admit that the strategies suggested could work. But not today. Not in this work environment. Especially for those of us over 50.
More about this in a future post...when my optimism returns.
My current employment seldom provides 40 hours of work. Fortunately, I am still eligible for some unemployment benefits. But I'm still unable to meet my basic expenses.
While continuing to seek out a full time job that would actually meet my budget requirements and would not lead to a meltdown, I keep rehearsing interviews...
THEM: Please explain the large number of absences during the final year at your last place of employment.
ME: Well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Layoffs were beginning and the environment was increasingly stressful. Then more stressful stuff happened, I had a meltdown, then self-medicated by taking all the pills in my house. I spent a week at a retreat where they helped me relax and develop coping skills and gave me a list of vitamins and such that would be helpful. Then I went back to work for a few weeks, where it was obvious that I still needed to practice my coping skills. So I did. For a month. I really wanted to perfect my coping skills so I took another few months to practice. When I got back, I had a little accident which led to the claim I filed, but I did stay at work. Shortly thereafter, I was invited to a meeting with some other employees and we were invited to leave the building. I was surprised because I had already demonstrated how much trouble I had coping with stress.
******
THEM: The only opening we have available is on third shift. Would that be a problem for you?
ME: Probably not a big problem. I might have a problem staying alert since I do have to take one of those anti-something drugs at night. That wouldn't be a problem, would it?
******
THEM: Are you able to perform well in a high energy environment?
ME: Not a problem! I may sometimes appear to be a little slow, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour! There's nothing I can't do! You'll get quite a bargain with me because I can easily do the work of two or even three people! Think how much money I'll save the company! I will be in a room by myself, won't I?
*****
THEM: Describe the environment in which you are most productive.
ME: I will be able to discuss my uh... accomoda... work station adjustment needs with HR, right?
THEM: We'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.
************
I've read a couple of good books about BPs at work, found some websites that provided helpful information, and I must admit that the strategies suggested could work. But not today. Not in this work environment. Especially for those of us over 50.
More about this in a future post...when my optimism returns.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The family that I wanted
A few weeks ago a sermon at church dealt with marriage. The result was a flood of memories and feelings. I ended up bombarding someone with a discourse on my only marriage, the rejection by a long term boyfriend, and my hope that someday I'll have a healthy marriage. Although I've included a healthy relationship in my intentions, there is a little part of me that has a hard time believing that it will happen. My disclosures led to disclosures by the person with whom I was talking. I am honored that I was trusted with that bit of sharing.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."
"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.
All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.
No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married to a very gentle, yet strong, kind man who never yelled, would never hit anyone, who was curious,who was always learning, who loved to read, who loved to have adventures, who loved children and animals, who smiled easily, and who laughed with every inch of his body. We would own "the farm."
"The farm" would be the place where unwanted pets would be welcomed to a new home. When parents would tell their children that their pet had been taken to a farm, the children would know that the place existed and that their pet would be loved and cared for. I envisioned many, many dogs, some cats, a few horses, a lamb or two, and a menagerie of small cuddly critters. Our many children would help care for all the animals. We would grow healthy food. I would spin around tossing wildflower seeds into the air.
All unwanted people and animals would be welcome and taken in as part of our family. No one would ever yell. No one would ever hit. No one would ever make fun of anyone else. There would be no sarcasm. Everyone would respect each other and take care of each other. Everyone would know that they were wanted.
No worrying about a parent with a short temper. Or another parent who needed parenting by a child. No cringing when a voice was raised. No trying to stay out of sight. No locking away all feelings. Feeling unwanted and being assured of it after being told so. No jumping around when the belt or switch met bare legs. No not being sure how to react with each blow. No feeling unsafe.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Sometimes the worst is not inevitable
I've been juggling many things in my life. Finances are the most stressful right now. I've talked with a credit counselor and was advised to seek legal assistance. The counselor assured me that there was no longer any stigma attached to filing bankruptcy. But it still just doesn't sit right with me. I'll give it more thought.
Gloom and doom are plaguing me today. It's sunny outside and I have chosen to stay in my cave. I've actually done some work toward dejunking the place! But now I just feel weary.
Haven't been to church in a couple of weeks, but intend to go tomorrow. The topic is marriage. That's something I am now willing to accept into my life so I am especially interested in what might be said.
I binged on chocolate and drank too much coffee; however, I have been taking my meds as prescribed. And the chocolate was dark chocolate -- purely medicinal.
Short early morning shifts are wearing me out. Saturday and Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is sleeping in, I'm driving across town for a two hour shift that begins at 7:00 a.m. I am weary. Instead of being outside in the sunshine and joining in St. Patrick's Day celebrations, I just want to sleep, to pull the quilt up over my ears, close my eyes, and get aboard a comfy cloud.
I have a friend! It seems like I don't have to be lonely any more. I am so happy that I know her and that we are so similar. We giggle together, but are also not shy about confronting the other when necessary. I feel good!
Today I have a candle burning for my observance of the new moon. Sometimes, when I really need the grounding, I'll light the candle a few days before the new moon and light it afresh each day until a few days afterward. I need that grounding right now.
I'm starting to treat myself like I am my own client. It's time to be my own caregiver. The neglect is ending now.
Gloom and doom are plaguing me today. It's sunny outside and I have chosen to stay in my cave. I've actually done some work toward dejunking the place! But now I just feel weary.
Haven't been to church in a couple of weeks, but intend to go tomorrow. The topic is marriage. That's something I am now willing to accept into my life so I am especially interested in what might be said.
I binged on chocolate and drank too much coffee; however, I have been taking my meds as prescribed. And the chocolate was dark chocolate -- purely medicinal.
Short early morning shifts are wearing me out. Saturday and Sunday mornings while the rest of the world is sleeping in, I'm driving across town for a two hour shift that begins at 7:00 a.m. I am weary. Instead of being outside in the sunshine and joining in St. Patrick's Day celebrations, I just want to sleep, to pull the quilt up over my ears, close my eyes, and get aboard a comfy cloud.
I have a friend! It seems like I don't have to be lonely any more. I am so happy that I know her and that we are so similar. We giggle together, but are also not shy about confronting the other when necessary. I feel good!
Today I have a candle burning for my observance of the new moon. Sometimes, when I really need the grounding, I'll light the candle a few days before the new moon and light it afresh each day until a few days afterward. I need that grounding right now.
I'm starting to treat myself like I am my own client. It's time to be my own caregiver. The neglect is ending now.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I thought that EVENTUALLY I'd get this right!
Well, here I am again whining about missing meds.
I've been tired and weary and not down upon the Swanee River. I've been making this type of comment out loud. My clients just shake their heads, comment about my imagination, or just call me weird. That should have been my first clue.
My schedule has undergone radical change. My original clients have moved or died. I didn't think I'd grieve, but I have.
I'm sleeping more than usual, but remain tired. I'm up and down all night. Everything hurts. I fall asleep soon after I get home. I fall asleep after I eat. I fall asleep just about any time I get still.
March is never-ending. I know it has just begun, but the light is refusing to come back and the rain is non-stop. I've been pretty good about keeping lights on and using my GLAD light, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
My new batch of clients, with one exception, keep their homes very, very cold. And I'm excessively cold right now. Of course, if I had enough money to go to the doctor and get back on my thyroid medication that might change. Or maybe if I were still taking Vitamin D, I'd see a difference.
I just loaded my washing machine and realized that I wore the same outfit all week. Every day the same items of clothing! That's quite a stinky red flag!
However, I am staying in touch with my friends and son. I have good food in the house. I'm doing a better than average job of managing my finances. I talked with a bill collector without crying. I'm taking good care of my clients. I'm making plans to play piano again and that feels very good! I go to church most Sundays.
I'm taking better care of my clients than I am of myself and I need to turn that around. I need health care coverage so that I can address all my health issues. Once again, I need to rethink how I make a living.
There's a way to get this right and I'll find it. And as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! Sheesh, my mind is jumping around! Down, mind!
I've been tired and weary and not down upon the Swanee River. I've been making this type of comment out loud. My clients just shake their heads, comment about my imagination, or just call me weird. That should have been my first clue.
My schedule has undergone radical change. My original clients have moved or died. I didn't think I'd grieve, but I have.
I'm sleeping more than usual, but remain tired. I'm up and down all night. Everything hurts. I fall asleep soon after I get home. I fall asleep after I eat. I fall asleep just about any time I get still.
March is never-ending. I know it has just begun, but the light is refusing to come back and the rain is non-stop. I've been pretty good about keeping lights on and using my GLAD light, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
My new batch of clients, with one exception, keep their homes very, very cold. And I'm excessively cold right now. Of course, if I had enough money to go to the doctor and get back on my thyroid medication that might change. Or maybe if I were still taking Vitamin D, I'd see a difference.
I just loaded my washing machine and realized that I wore the same outfit all week. Every day the same items of clothing! That's quite a stinky red flag!
However, I am staying in touch with my friends and son. I have good food in the house. I'm doing a better than average job of managing my finances. I talked with a bill collector without crying. I'm taking good care of my clients. I'm making plans to play piano again and that feels very good! I go to church most Sundays.
I'm taking better care of my clients than I am of myself and I need to turn that around. I need health care coverage so that I can address all my health issues. Once again, I need to rethink how I make a living.
There's a way to get this right and I'll find it. And as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again! Sheesh, my mind is jumping around! Down, mind!
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