It's All My Fault

As I've heard in the past, it's all my fault.  I'm too sensitive.  I worry too much.  I am not capable of doing the things I wish to do.  No one loves me.  That includes the dog.

Yes, I'm still not taking my meds properly. My work schedule has not gelled yet and my mind is jello.  I don't have a dog, so that negative message is one I can easily dismiss.  But I bet that no dog would come near me. Not even to bite me.

Stinking thinking.

My apartment will never be clean and organized.  It reflects my state of mind right now.  Sort of jumbled.  Similar objects not grouped together.

Because I've been exhausted after work, I've missed working out for a couple of weeks.  I'm not sure if that's an excuse or the truth.  I'm not trusting myself very much.

The one thing I can be certain of is that these feelings will pass.  I'll do a better job of taking my meds at the proper times.  I'll make a date with myself on my calendar to work out.  And I won't check it off unless I've actually done it.  Ok, I give myself a 50% chance of really doing that.  And start using my SAD light again.

I'm better now, even though I'm in a low part of my cycle, than I have ever been in my life.  Because I know now.  I have tools that work.  I know how to work at keeping myself safe and being realistic about changes.

The blessing of having this diagnosis is knowing that the ride up and down the scale will always be there.  Now that I'm on meds, I don't have to worry about spending YEARS in this low place.  It will pass.

So today I will take care of myself.  Watch a funny DVD.  Play an online game that I can win.    Spend at least 15 minutes creating order from chaos.  Eat. Take my evening meds and get a good night's sleep.