Tears Again

I am having another long cry. Not sure exactly why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that tomorrow will be the first time I'll be seeing most of the people I asked for support. I'm a little nervous. And ashamed.

I've heard from all but one. And I'm feeling hurt that I haven't heard from him. Silly of me. I've been there for him and I'm doubting that he'll return the gesture. I can't control how someone feels about me. And I need to quit imagining the worst. I am questioning why I give comfort before I receive (which is how it feels although it's probably not true) although that just seems to be something I've done forever. Appearing open when I actually feel closed -- locked safely away. I'm believing that no one will be there for me, despite the friends that have reached out, because I used to take care of my mother and my sister and I grew used to never expecting anyone to take care of me -- or not believing that I am worthy of anyone's attention or love or respect or any of those good things. Damn. I hurt.

I'm not going to stuff my feelings. I'll concentrate on my breathing in order to get through the service. Tomorrow's is supposed to be uplifting and fun. Sometimes that makes it worse because I don't exactly feel like laughing just yet.

I am hurting so I will let the tears flow while I am safely at home. Maybe that will exhaust the supply before tomorrow.

Damn fears and loneliness and groundless or grounded worries and other things. I need to quit anticipating the actions of others, stay open, and stay true to myself.

Tonight I am hurting. I'll let myself cry. I'll take a long shower. I'll take my meds. I'll take a Lunesta if I can't sleep. I'll keep breathing in and out. I'll find something to distract me. Damn.