What Do I Have to Live For?

Not raising any alarms here, but this question has been on my mind today. Not in the sense of throwing up my hands and asking the universe the purpose of my continued existence, but more in the very pragmatic sense of what part will I play in the larger scheme of things. What relationships will I have with the people who I've allowed into my life? How can I have successful friendships, a marriage, a wild passionate affair when I really have no healthy model for these relationships? (As it gets colder and my back needs warming I start thinking more and more about the wild passionate affair!)

I know that I'm on solid ground right now. No sense of impending doom. Meds taken every day. I'm taking better care of myself. I'll be giving some serious thought to these questions.

And, of course, I'll digress.

I've been reading a book about an early Alaskan settler who lived among the great brown bears on Admiralty Island. Having spent a decade in Southeast Alaska, the place names and descriptions brought up strong positive memories. Then I realized that today I've been a bear. I've been ravenous. It's cold outside and all I want to do is stuff my face and curl up on the couch in the nest of blankets and quilts that I've constructed. I'm sure that my snoring is similar to that of a bear.

When I lived up in Alaska and my son and boyfriend were driving me crazy, I would announce that I'd rather move out to the bush and live with the bears. Never thought I'd be living like one now that I'm back in the lower 48. I'm bearlike in actions, but not purely driven by biological responses to environmental changes. I can identify with the self-protective elements of preparing to hibernate and the drive to pause, to adopt a slower pace for a while. Although the pace of my life feels slow right now, there still exists the need to allow myself an emotional and intellectual gestational period.

I have an idea for another way to anticipate moods! I'll label a thermometer: 30 degrees and under - BEAR, 60 - 40 SANE CRONE, 70 - GRUMP, 80+ - MUST REMAIN CHILLED OR WILL RAPIDLY DECAY.