Blossoming Brigid

My depression seems to have begun with puberty. My strangeness began much earlier. I don't think at this point in my life that it serves any purpose to try to sort out all the factors that made me feel different -- I just was.

Life with meds means that I now have the opportunity to be myself, my true self. Being middle-aged means I don't much care anymore what people think and I'll wear my comfortable shoes, thank you very much. The combination is interesting. My goal is no longer to be normal, but to be true, genuine, authentic.

For me the challenge is acknowledging my loneliness, but not feeling needy. I guess having a crush is teaching me more than I expected. While I was going bananas there for a bit, I now have no expectations. Que sera sera.

I am assertive now. I've told two clients that I would not perform tasks in the manner in which I was instructed. I refused to get down on my hands and knees to wipe down a floor with a wet rag; a mop was then located. I refused to go outside in the rain to perform a task that could wait until the rain stopped; my client realized her instructions were unreasonable. I told my supervisor that I wanted to work more hours than I have been assigned and I'm getting more hours. Ask and you shall receive.

I still don't really understand what "normal" is, but I have been asking people I trust for feedback. And I'm really not that interested in conforming. I do want to be able to effectively communicate and co-exist with other people. I frequently ask for guidance as to what is "reasonable." Having some sort of gauge enables me to clearly communicate.

And I'm not squelching my exuberance! I have channeled it. There is freedom in being a Unitarian. I can embrace my causes, live my beliefs, and know that I'm not alone. I can express my passion in whatever manner I choose as long as I allow myself to express it.

For a while I was mourning for all the wasted time, the years lost because I was trapped, undiagnosed, untreated, and unable to help myself. But I'm coming around to the belief that the timing has really been right for me. I just need to keep trusting myself and wearing comfortable shoes.